I really don't like my nephew

[Dellspoem]

He is living with us at the moment as a stop gap, we offered to help him out because things completely broke down at home and he had nowhere else to go. Hes 23 and the agreement was to live with us for a few months while he found a job and got back on his feet. That was back in August after he graduated.

He's just always trying to prove a point. He's always combative, argues with absolutely everything and doesn't respect anything I say - I'm an old person, a millennial, millennials are sad and pathetic (which is a whole thing with this generation). His entire belief system is based on what he sees online. He wakes up at 12, 1, 2pm every day. He hasn't found a job, and it's been six months. We've offered to get him in touch with our friend who works in his industry but no doesn't want to do that. Walks around with headphones in and can't hear us/ I think he's purposefully ignoring us. I suggested printing off CVs and walking up and down the high street giving it to restaurants and shops. He said no, that's so old fashioned no one does that anymore. Claiming universal credit and spending all day chatting to mates and playing games.

He doesn't get on with his parents (my brother and sister in law) and since he was a teenager I've said my doors are always open, I'm your aunty and I love you, that's what I'm here for. But bloody hell am I close to closing/ slamming those doors shut. He refuses to go back home, or to his grans, he just wants to live here. My husband has now asked him to start paying rent - £300 a month initially and increasing by 100 every month until it reaches market price.

His mum point blank refuses to have him back home. I'm sick and tired of her and her stupid offspring. I've just got to a point now I hate having him around. I hate seeing him in the 'morning' (today he woke up at 2.30pm) and casually came downstairs to ask how I am; DH is away and I am looking after my newborn and 2 year old. If (and when that was me) staying with my aunt I would have woken up early to help with the house and kids.

Urgh. And the worst thing is I'm now convinced I'm going to be a horrid mother to teenagers because I don't have patience for this.

Anyway AIBU let me hear your thoughts.

I think I would make a list of what you’re providing him and another list of expectations of him. Then make what you’re providing conditional on his fulfilling the expectations. Ensure the expectations are not only job search and financial contributions but include skills he needs to be an independent adult eg kitchen tidying / cleaning, dishwasher stack / unstack, meal prep once a week, cleaning, doing his washing etc.

Sit him down. Let him cry and wail. Stand firm and tell your dh to do the same. This may feel cruel. But it’s actually teaching him to be an adult.

I would say he should get a job, any job. And not to let this slip. Failure to do so means he loses the privilege to live in your home. Check in again in a month’s time to tweak and see what progress there is.

@Dellspoem First of all OP, you and your DH need to be on the same page - none of this you saying he has to leave, he turns on the waterworks and then your DH undermines you by allowing him to stay FFS. 🙄 When DH is back home you need to sit him down and discuss what you both want and then stick to it when speaking to DN. I'm surprised you write you're "sick and tired of her [SIL] and her stupid offspring" - do you not now appreciate what she's had to put up with and why she's adamant she won't have her DS back under her roof? Sorry, but tough love is now required. Either he abides by your house rules (getting up in the morning, doing chores and paying rent) or he moves out and finds somewhere else to live. He needs a reality check and as an adult, he's not your responsibility.

This nonsense about pre frontal lobes and not maturing until you are 25 is a helicopter parents charter. Very damaging message.

Absolutely, I was paying a mortgage at 21.

Calmly and politely give him a month's notice to leave. Tell him you'll write a letter to council confirming he's unable to stay in order for him to present as homeless.

Hopefully he'll get a hostel place, then there's a chance of a flat but it's pretty slim as a single man with no kids or disabilities.

Try not to get emotional about it. Think about him as a lodger, which is what he is. Regardless of whether he's paid rent or not. He's not your son. Even if he was you'd still have every right to ask him to leave.

Simply explain it's not working out, you can't afford to keep him there and it's doing him no good. If he's desperate he'll have to go cap in hand to his parents.

You've done him a favour but everyone has a limit and yours has been reached. He's outstayed his welcome.

Absolutely. Under housing law his status would be that of "excluded occupier" not "tenant" as he shares a kitchen with his "landlords". He has no rights apart from being given "reasonable" notice which, as long as he's not paying rent could be just one week and if he started paying rent monthly, would be one month.

He's claiming UC, but he won't be getting the housing element of it because he has no rent liability.

He's clearly not getting it

Next step???
Bags packed, on doorstep

If he whinges, call the police. He's not legally allowed to be in your home

How do people have time for this nonsense I'll never know

He won’t change himself and I don’t think you have enough capacity to parent him. So he should move out. Give him a date allowing him a reasonable time to find something.
Don’t change the decision whatever.
Think what kind of help you can provide him, again realistically e.g to move his things or drive him to viewings if necessary.
Make the conversation friendly - he needs to be independent.

What's interesting is that the suggestions you make around OP monitoring DN's job search activity are precisely what his DWP work coach should be doing. I'd be interested to see any messages between them in his UC Journal ... 🤔

YANBU. Chuck him out by Easter (then he has notice to find elsewhere). Entitled little sht.

Just as a counter, I remember how awful it was leaving uni and applying for jobs in my chosen career and getting rejected and feeling the pressure of my whole life ahead bearing down on me. I found it very difficult and wasn't in the best place then. Of course I was working a non-career job while I looked, and it wasn't that long. But it was hard. It can be a really difficult time, young adulthood! So yes, obviously do act / say something, it can't continue, but do carry on having some patience and sympathy if you can - I think his tears show he is feeling the pressure and vulnerable on the inside, just masking it to forget with being fairly objectionable on the outside! I'm sure he will look back at this time with huge gratitude in the future.

This is what his DWP work coach is for - he will have ben assigned one on receipt of UC and has to report his job search activity to them.

Switch off the WiFi for his gaming and take back control. We have had 4 young men from 18-31 living with us as relationships had broken down at home.The late night gaming drove me insane so we bought a plug to remotely switch off WiFi at a more reasonable time.It helped in a big Way-had to do it with 2 of them who were similar sounding.We found that it’s like they could function properly and were demotivated by gaming at night and the bidy click suffered. Rests a timetable maybe for him to stick to -job hunt-chores-etc.good luck

You can interpret it how you want but it is a scientific fact that adolescents go through a period of brain plasticity similar to that of a toddler and that the human brain doesn’t stop developing until 25 years on average which accounts for impulsivity, emotional immaturity and lability.

Nah. Tell him it's time to go.

It sounds like his Mum decided to stop enabling him and you stepped in and saved him from the natural consequences she was hoping he would learn from it. You were trying to help, but actually you've made things worse by prolonging his state of perpetual adolescence. You have no reason to be sick and tired of her; it's not her fault you decided to allow a 23 yo man to live in your home rent free.

He's not crying out of distress, he's crying to manipulate you into letting him continue with this.

Absolutely, they do. He will have a DWP work coach who he has to demonstrate his job-search activity to (in return for his UC income) and who can help him with job-hunting.

Sure, whatever works for you.

Op you're being an absolute door mat.

Tell him that he needs to leave. Tell him he has a week's notice. Don't fall for any lies, crocodile tears or other shite he tries.

He sounds awful, ungrateful, and like he's constantly trying to make you miserable. You only have one life don't waste it on this. It doesn't win you any special points.

Alternatively, OP could make a list of what she and DH are providing him with and another list of what all these things would cost him out there in the big, bad world (which is precisely where he'll be within a week if he doesn't grow the f"ck up!).

Ah. This was me. Many years ago. Except I did not have kids.
And the man child was my brother. He was 19 so significantly younger than your nephew too.

We did everything you have done. And he still wouldn't get up to find a job. Wouldn't follow up on the leads we gave him. Woke up well after midday and was generally wasting his time.

Eventually my OH gave him an ultimatum. He had to pay market rate rent or leave.

He chose to go home to mum.

And. Now. A million years later. He has a great job. Great prospects. And relishes early mornings!!!!

In hindsight he was burnt out and needed space to recover in. Once he got home to mum and dad and was reminded why he didn't want to be there, he emerged from the duvet and sorted himself out. He really was a hard working guy but whether it was depression. Anxiety. Or plain old burn out. He wasn't ready to face the world head on when he was with us.

And that's ok.

He got there in the end.

You have your own life. You need to have a word with him and point out you don't need a 23yo man child in your life. He needs to move on.

Give him a deadline. Say it could be longer if he is stepping up and getting a job but your patience is worn thin now so it's up to him.

Tbh. I'm surprised your OH hasn't stepped in yet.....

Good luck. It is tricky.

And that scientific fact has applied to every generation who ever lived, but most of us accepted our adult responsibilities by the age of 21 and made the best of things despite our brains not being fully "developed". I was paying a mortgage by the age of 21 - Jeez, I wonder how I coped? 🙄

Jesus, you certainly make him sound like a snowflake. He doesn’t need rewards at his age. He needs to take responsibility.

OP, you say that since he was a teenager and not getting on with his parents you've said your doors are always open, that's what you're here for.

His mum point blank refuses to have him back home and you're sick and tired of her and her stupid offspring.

Where is your brother, his father, in all of this? Why is it your SILs fault that he won't give up his cushy number in your house, free to abuse you and take advantage of you and your DH? Sounds like he was a brat at home and you thought you could "parent" him better than his own parents. Now you've come to realise that actually, he's a brat in your house too.

As others have said you're doing him no favours letting him away with this behaviour. Present a united front, give him a couple of weeks notice and stick to it. Where he goes after that is not your problem. Crawling home to mum and dad would knock some of the corners off him.

Oh and do turn off the WiFi. You do realise that gaming isn't the only online activity he's engaging in in the comfort of his (your) bed, don't you? The devil makes work for idle hands n all that.

Do him a favour OP, show him the door. Time he copped on and took some responsibility for himself. Unless you want him still there when he's 40.