Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

Its really sad because I couldn't care less what people have or don't have.

With respect, it's very easy to say that when you're one of the 'haves'. It's considerably harder for the 'have nots'.

She's clearly wrapped up in her own kind of grief because of her infertility though and not thinking "OP has had a different kind of shit time of it." I don't think she's gone about it (protecting herself from hurt by distancing herself) the right way but I can understand why she has gone about it this way, even if it's not what I'd have done. It's clearly made her selfish and she seems to have tunnel vision about her own hardships. She won't be the first and she won't be the last, even if this isn't really how we should think and behave as adults with emotional intelligence, empathy, perspective etc.

Maybe when Ann was the ‘richest’ it was before OP’s twins were born.
Maybe sadness has built up over time in her.

We have friends who are wealthy beyond our (and most people’s) wildest dreams, and I have never envied their houses or their holidays or their staff. But my goodness they like OP have had IVF followed by a bunch of children (to the point of now being sterilised) and the bustling family can be hard to see.
It’s not about not being happy for them. It’s the children who are absolutely lovely and we make a lot of time for them (we are godparents too). But it is hard. I love them very much but am glad they go on so many holidays and spend months away at a time so we see them a bit less frequently than before.

I don’t agree that Ann is ‘poison’. Who knows how her mental health is right now? If being around OP is making her feel shit she is possibly embarrassed to admit it.

You can’t have everything in life. But it can be hard seeing people who appear to have everything you would like.

They're jealous.
Its hard to tell on here if you're coming across as flashy and showy or not - you claim not, but who knows IRL. If you're sure not, then not much you can do but move on and find other friends. Its tough but sometimes that's how life pans out.

You are probably right on this. I meant it more in the sense that we would have friends from noth sides....some are extremely wealthy, private schools, holiday homes, horses etc I dont feel envious but that's my character I suppose...I just look at it as a goal to some day have some of that....
I get that this is totally different though from eating from a food bank while your friend is off skiing. Also as others have said I think the twins a huge issue for A&B also

You aren't able to talk in the same way. If you talk about the hardship of having DCs or maintaining a large house, not only will she not relate to it to empathise she knows she will be jealous.
Meanwhile she won't start to talk to you about not having another DC as she knows you have multiple. Her not having multiple affects her as much as you having multiple affects you.

I think you should leave Ann alone and stop thinking about me me me

I struggle round people who have big happy extended families , money not relevant , - I won't bore you all why , but I do - sometimes it's not you as such -it's the situation-and it's nothing you have done.

Obviously this lady finds you all hard to be around- best to just respect that

That's true but op has also had a ton of heartbreaking loss recently.

@PinkGiraffe1 It’s such a horrible feeling to lose a good friend like that. I’m going through something similar at the moment. Focus on the good friends and family you do have. Do you actually want to repair the friendship or do you think it’s too far gone? I would be concerned at the fact that she had been talking about you to mutual friends.

I have been in this situation. I understood and empathised with my friend. Honesty is really the best way and at least you know.

In my case I sent my friend a message to say I understood why she has had to stand back from the friendship, and that I will miss her but wish the very best for her and the family. I felt the closure was good for both of us. We exchange Christmas cards but nothing else.
I went on to make many more friends that were in a similar situation to us, it was much easier tbh, much more relaxed.

My friend’s life became narrow and small, as she tried to eliminate others too, in hindsight she needed lots of therapy and support to come to terms with her disappointment and resentment. It’s too late to suggest that now to my friend, but maybe your dh can recommend this route to Ben. My old friend just sees her elderly mother now, it’s very sad.

So, you wouldn't take the hint at all. You talked about it so much to other friends that one of them came to you with some gossip on it. You then thoroughly embarrassed poor Ben by digging him up about it. And now you are obsessively rehashing it on Mumsnet instead of just moving on.

I think there might be more to them avoiding you than jealousy.

Definitely do NOT suggest therapy or bother them again, if your ever cared remotely for them. Just leave them be.

How do you know what she does and doesn't do and who she does and does not see?

She moved on from you, surely you have no part of her life and no idea what she gets up to.

What is clear here is that many respondents are way more sympathetic to Ann than she deserves. I see a fair bit of projection and envy.

Ann's husband has a good job, giving Ann a nice house, plenty of money with no need to go out and work. Plenty would NOT see that as being skint and suffering.

Infertility is painful but it doesn't wipe out the benefit of a nice home, caring husband and no need to work.

OP clearly states Ann and Ben were the more wealthy ones for the majority of this friendship. As the only friend Ann still had, I don't see why OP would make that up or be mistaken. Surely she's been to A and B's house and knows roughly how much Ben earns as he does the same/similar job they both used to do.

It seems to me that Ann can only be friends with people she sees as beneath her financially.

She has run all her other friends off. You've got to wonder how and why.

I'm not doing well in life myself but I wouldn't want to throw a good friend away because they have more than me, in any sense. I don't understand it. If you do that, you're the one left alone with no mates.

There's not the remotest hint that Anne has run anyone else off.

She just dumped the OP. That's it.

This comment is really weird, you sound pretty obsessed by Anne and Ben too. Are you the OPs husband or mother or something?

I just read that your husband says you should have it out with her.

Are you both a bit mental? People are allowed to dump you. You already embarrassed Ben. You got your answer. Are you hoping if you keep hassling them they will suddenly say oh please come back, all is forgiven/

You sound obsessed, please leave these poor people in peace.

Meh would you rather have the money, perfect kids and so on or the friends?

We have friends like you, who have inherited a lot of money when family members passed away (a mother and an
aunt). It’s been devastating for my friend
and although the money has brought them freedom we don’t have, she has to live with significant loss. It’s been very hard to see her go through such a difficult time. Our relationship hasn’t changed thankfully.

It sounds as if this other couple have had some really bad luck and are finding your change in lifestyle hard. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive and for them, that’s distancing themselves from something that makes them feel worse. It’s a necessity and understandable, but not your fault. I don’t think you can change it tbh.

Admittedly it would be helpful to hear Ann's version of events. We are only getting one side of the story here.

I'd send them one last message to say you value the friendship and the door is open and then give them space. It's not nice losing a friendship but most don't last a lifetime.

In an ideal world we would all control our envy at someone having more than us, or we would have the emotional intelligence to not boast and brag if we were the lucky ones. But we are human and faliiable.

Hmm but why do you actually need to tell people that you have come Into money. Its not obligatory buy bigger houses go on more ho.idays etc. Therefor distancing yourself from friends

We had a number of challenging years before we did better at work and better financially. It came as a surprise that not everyone was happy and that some friends were very actually quite hostile. At the end of the day I have learned I cannot control how other people feel only my own reactions. I would look to have a chat with Ann and see if a way forward can be planned. However it might just be the case that everyone needs to move on.

Put quite simply, ann has to be the main character.

Her lack of friends is very telling, I do wonder if she's one of those people who can only have friends who are "projects" I.e. less "together" than her that she can "help"

Sounds like that was you until recently and she's dropped you like a hot stone, because she's no longer the main character

Do not reach out to her, do not fawn over her, do not pander to her, do nothing. She's superficial and self centred.

Do keep an eye on her next friend. I guarantee it'll be another "project"

This is such a mad world view.

I think this is very true. I have friends who would say they try to play down their wealth... but small comments that probably seem insignificant or reasonable to them are glaringly obvious to us... comments in passing about easily spending 5 figure sums spent on holiday "it's so expensive, isn't it", without realising it's the entire total of our savings pot and we'd never dream of spending such sums because it's not just "expensive", it's completely unfeasible... the stress of extending/remodeling the house incl. playroom "where on earth will we put all the toys/things", without grasping that they're speaking to people with no play room or spare room who deal with the lack of space issue every day 🤣, comments that a restaurant is "really reasonable, isn't it" when DH and I could never afford to eat there. They've said they can't understand why we spend so much time on DIY: "just get someone in!" without realising that we cant afford to "just" get someone in!

"Little" things like that can feel somewhat out of touch and insensitive. However, we are very good friends and I just roll my eyes internally (or occasionally outwardly, if appropriate; I've been known to poke fun about cashmere being ruined due to wearing it when crafting with the children!), so I let these things slide and try not to compare our lives too much/enjoy the things that overlap and we have in common.