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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

550 replies

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 13:25

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

OP posts:
SomethingFun · 23/02/2025 11:03

Ann has a house, a working husband, a child and enough money not to work. In any other circumstances on a different thread, the knives would be out for her.

I don’t know how people get through the day if you are constantly comparing yourselves to all and sundry and getting uncontrollably jealous when someone has more of something than you do. Loads of people have resources they didn’t work for or many children they didn’t have to try very hard for, that’s life and you owe it to yourself to accept the things you cannot change rather than pushing anyone away who you perceive is doing better than you.

Boodahh · 23/02/2025 11:04

Ann should have more compassion for you - you've lost both parents in your 30s.
She's a homeowner, she's not doing badly. Just jealous. There's always someone who will have more .

Ben is being dragged down by Ann.

MarkingBad · 23/02/2025 11:07

CottonCandyCrank · 23/02/2025 10:41

We inheritted a lot of money. Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc

If you inherit a lot of money from the loss of a parent, yes it does make your financial situation better and easier. If her parents hadn't died she wouldn't be able to afford the above. Yes, she would absolutely rather have her parents back than all their money. My point is, losing a parent is absolutely heartbreaking but if it makes life a little easier, there is some relief from that. Whereas many people lose parents and don't get any inheritance at all.

She should have maybe kept any money she got inherited, or from her redundancy and how much she earns in her job, from her friends, as it likely will cause jealousy if there in a much better financial position. Why would her friends know all her financial info anyway. Did she brag? And didn't realise she was.

I feel for you parents and your friends.

@Goldbar
I agree anyone can step back from a friendship if it mo longer suits. I worked for my money, I learned to accept people stepping back

TheignT · 23/02/2025 11:07

AngelicKaty · 22/02/2025 20:40

It's pretty distasteful to use the term "stalking" for sending someone you consider to be a friend birthday and Christmas cards - it's hardly terrifying, like stalking is.

So forcing your presence into someone's life who doesn't want to be your friend? Sounds exactly like stalking. Ann doesn't want to be friends with OP any more, how ever much OP wants that it isn't up to her.

Ann seems to be protecting her own mental health and if OP does really care about Ann she needs to respect her wishes.

If a man was sending cards and flowers to someone who didn't want contact it would definitely be called stalking

Never2many · 23/02/2025 11:11

Jesus. If I ditched everyone who has done better than me I wouldn’t have anyone left in my life.

Secondary infertility; serious health problems; being a single parent with no money.

I hate to say it but so many people like wallowing in misery that they’re destroying themselves. It’s not a race to the bottom.

I can’t be doing with these wallowing types. I’d ditch her and never look back.

I’m currently in hospital and there’s a fairly high chance I won’t be coming out. Maybe I should cut everyone off who is lucky to be alive.

TheignT · 23/02/2025 11:12

LarryUnderwood · 22/02/2025 21:06

Doesn't that work both ways though? Ann is also judging in exactly the same way and likely also doesn't know about whatever struggles OP has. When we compare our insides with other people's outsides we set ourselves up for disaster. I just don't understand how someone could choose to distance themselves because they perceive that their friend has 'more' or their life is in some way easier.

She'd protecting herself. She doesn't have to see people who have a negative affect on her.

InterIgnis · 23/02/2025 11:20

TheignT · 23/02/2025 11:12

She'd protecting herself. She doesn't have to see people who have a negative affect on her.

Nurturing her envy and resentments more like. Tiny violins playing for Ann!

No one said she had to be friends with OP. What was said is that she’s gone about it in a shitty way, and that her reasoning doesn’t reflect well on her.

Goldbar · 23/02/2025 11:21

TheignT · 23/02/2025 11:12

She'd protecting herself. She doesn't have to see people who have a negative affect on her.

And possibly she's also trying to protect her child. By protecting them from stressful situations and making sure she's in the best frame of mind she can be to parent them well.

'Comparison is the thief of joy' is very true, but we're only human and sometimes it's easier to observe this if you're not around the comparator.

TheignT · 23/02/2025 11:22

Bigcat25 · 23/02/2025 00:32

That's true but op has also had a ton of heartbreaking loss recently.

And she's probably been allowed to deal with that in the way that helps her. She needs to let Ann make decisions about how to deal with her issues.

CottonCandyCrank · 23/02/2025 11:26

It may be to much for her to deal with at the present time. She is obviously struggling mentally and your life seems all great compared to hers.

Just leave her be and if she wants to return to you she can. You can talk about it then if she wants to open up. If she doesn't and the friendship is over, so be it.

You still have family and friends, just focus on them for now and see what happens.

ButterCrackers · 23/02/2025 11:29

They are jealous. Let them be and get on with life and family. Don’t contact them or plead to meet up. It’s their choice to throw away the friendship.

KimberleyClark · 23/02/2025 11:42

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/02/2025 14:08

Ann can’t help how she feels and your new lifestyle makes her feel poor and rubbish. I understand your hurt, but if she was coming away from socialising with you feeling bad about herself and her situation it’s understandable she’s felt the need to distance. I am single and childless, I have a friend happily married with young children and I have started to distance myself from her because I have started to feel resentful and sad after spending time with her. I know that’s my issue and that my feelings aren’t reasonable but equally I am not going to keep putting myself in a social situation which leaves me feeling unhappy just to preserve her feelings. Our lifestyles are obviously very different now too and so I think that’s added to it, we just don’t have as much in common and so that adds to not enjoying the time we spend together as much. It may be that now you live a very different lifestyle to Ann there is less common ground to talk about, add to that Ann’s feelings of envy and feelings of not being good enough which are obviously exacerbated by seeing you and it’s understandable socialising with you is no longer a priority. Ultimately people want to spend time with people who make them feel good, if a friend isn’t making you feel good about yourself anymore it makes sense not to keep seeing that friend regardless of the reasons behind why you don’t enjoy their company anymore. Obviously in your case the issue is with Ann, you haven’t done anything unreasonable, but that doesn’t mean she’s unreasonable not to feel good in your company anymore.

This. I had to withdraw from a couple of friends when they were popping out baby after baby and I was struggling with infertility. They ended up with seven between them and I never conceived. I’m at peace with it now and enjoy life but I can still remember how utterly rubbish it felt at the time.

Ihopeyouhavent · 23/02/2025 11:43

Jealousy is ugly and not something you want it your lives. Dont contact her, it'll only make you more upset.

Never2many · 23/02/2025 12:08

The problem with these people who cut off their friends because they are going through x or y, is that when they get past whatever they’re going through they then expect sympathy because they haven’t got any friends.

It’s fine to cut someone off if that’s how you feel. But don’t then complain when people don’t want to be friends with you because you have a history of ghosting.

PinkGiraffe1 · 23/02/2025 12:16

Thank you everyone. Even the not so nice posts have made me question everything. The reason I'm surprised is Ann was happy for me about the house, she couldn't wait to come round. She helped me sort bits with my parents house/estate and it was actually her idea to go freelance. When I told her I was pregnant and with twins, I was bricking it. But I couldn't exactly hide it. She even offered to throw a baby shower for me. She's been distant now for about 3 months. My twins are 7 months old and she's met them loads of times. That's why I thought it was something else I'd done.

Anyway, I'm going to step away from this thread for now. I'll send flowers on her birthday and come back if there's any update.

I won't be hounding her as I get she wants space away from me. And just FYI, my DH did confront Ben or had it out with him. It was very much lightheated. They even chatted over football results.

OP posts:
Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 12:17

We have only heard one side.. be interesting to see Ann's view 😊

I reckon it sounds a bit like this…

”But what about meeee? She’s got loads of money and I haven’t; it’s not faiiiiiiir!! I know her parents died and everything, but now she’s rich and I’m not!! When’s it going to happen for me?! ME! ME! MEEEEEEEEE!!!”

KimberleyClark · 23/02/2025 12:18

Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 12:17

We have only heard one side.. be interesting to see Ann's view 😊

I reckon it sounds a bit like this…

”But what about meeee? She’s got loads of money and I haven’t; it’s not faiiiiiiir!! I know her parents died and everything, but now she’s rich and I’m not!! When’s it going to happen for me?! ME! ME! MEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Nasty.

CottonCandyCrank · 23/02/2025 12:31

PinkGiraffe1 · 23/02/2025 12:16

Thank you everyone. Even the not so nice posts have made me question everything. The reason I'm surprised is Ann was happy for me about the house, she couldn't wait to come round. She helped me sort bits with my parents house/estate and it was actually her idea to go freelance. When I told her I was pregnant and with twins, I was bricking it. But I couldn't exactly hide it. She even offered to throw a baby shower for me. She's been distant now for about 3 months. My twins are 7 months old and she's met them loads of times. That's why I thought it was something else I'd done.

Anyway, I'm going to step away from this thread for now. I'll send flowers on her birthday and come back if there's any update.

I won't be hounding her as I get she wants space away from me. And just FYI, my DH did confront Ben or had it out with him. It was very much lightheated. They even chatted over football results.

She likely is happy for you. But sad she isn't in the same position as you. And it's likely been festering in her, slowly eating away at her, to the point she had to pull away from you. It's sad but it's human nature if you're mind is built that way. She probably hates herself for feeling like that, but she needs to feel it to get through it and do whatever she needs to help herself.

Good luck and hope you do sort it in the end 💐

ServantsGonnaServe · 23/02/2025 12:33

TheignT · 23/02/2025 11:12

She'd protecting herself. She doesn't have to see people who have a negative affect on her.

Everyone seems to have a negative effect on Ann, thays why she has no friends.

CottonCandyCrank · 23/02/2025 12:39

ServantsGonnaServe · 23/02/2025 12:33

Everyone seems to have a negative effect on Ann, thays why she has no friends.

Who said she has no friends? She likely has friends who are currently on a similar path in life.

thedogatethecattreats · 23/02/2025 12:43

ServantsGonnaServe · 23/02/2025 12:33

Everyone seems to have a negative effect on Ann, thays why she has no friends.

tell us more about Ann, you seem to know her so well 😂

Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 12:46

KimberleyClark · 23/02/2025 12:18

Nasty.

Well, that’s how her behaviour comes across.

ServantsGonnaServe · 23/02/2025 12:53

CottonCandyCrank · 23/02/2025 12:39

Who said she has no friends? She likely has friends who are currently on a similar path in life.

OP in her first post:

"During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words."

ServantsGonnaServe · 23/02/2025 12:54

thedogatethecattreats · 23/02/2025 12:43

tell us more about Ann, you seem to know her so well 😂

Wow, you got me 😂

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/02/2025 12:56

It sounds like Ann isn’t a bad person and that she didn’t want to feel the way she feels. I was genuinely delighted when the friend I have started to distance myself from had her baby, I gave thoughtful gifts and was very present in the early months. When I first started to feel down after and during spending time with her I did my best to ignore it and probably overcompensated by trying harder with gifts and my time. However ultimately I couldn’t push down the feelings and I started to find it too hard, it wasn’t really due to anything my friend did specifically although I think it didn’t help that her baby is high needs so friend was often tired and would voice how hard she was finding the lack of sleep/ baby teething etc. I wanted to be supportive but found it hard every time she was at all negative about the baby, even though I appreciate that’s unreasonable and that parents are entitled to voice the hard bits of raising a baby I just don’t want to hear it. I felt the same when she moaned about her partner, who she is very happy with and is generally a good father/ husband, not pulling his weight in small ways, I didn’t want to hear it because I know in the unlikely event I ever had a child I will be going it alone. I feel like I can’t be a good friend to my friend and spending time with her and her family just solidified it until it’s gotten to the point I can’t keep pretending. My friend hasn’t done anything wrong but our circumstances feel too different now to be as close as we were, hopefully that might change in the future I certainly don’t wish to burn any bridges and I certainly won’t raise it with her (or anybody else as this thread shows that mutual friends don’t always keep things to themselves!) but I suppose she probably is wondering why I’m not keen to see her anymore. It’s not really like I can say I l find you too negative about your baby and partner and don’t like talking about them because it makes me feel like a failure for being single and childless. I don’t want to make her feel guilty or risk her feeling angry or badmouthing me to others, I know I’m being unreasonable but ultimately I can’t help how I feel and unfortunately I tried to ignore it but it made it worse.

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