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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

550 replies

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 13:25

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

OP posts:
Keepingongoing · 23/02/2025 13:02

Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 12:17

We have only heard one side.. be interesting to see Ann's view 😊

I reckon it sounds a bit like this…

”But what about meeee? She’s got loads of money and I haven’t; it’s not faiiiiiiir!! I know her parents died and everything, but now she’s rich and I’m not!! When’s it going to happen for me?! ME! ME! MEEEEEEEEE!!!”

That is so nasty. I’ve read about half of this thread and there’s been an awful lot of thought- reading of what Ann is supposedly thinking and feeling; and frankly demonising her for succumbing to jealousy. Yet all the OP has posted has been secondhand from a mutual friend and Ann’s husband; she hasn’t had a direct conversation with Ann.

Yet who hasn’t felt jealousy at times? Yes of course we should rise above it, feel glad for the other person’s good fortune and carry on feeling just feel fine about ourselves. But sometimes it’s not so simple. There can often be a complicated situation where you don’t resent or begrudge the other person their happiness, yet contact with them highlights losses or things that you miss in your own life very painfully. I have been in this situation due to ill health, and Ann is suffering this along with DC’s disability and infertility. Your own mental health may be better simply for stepping away. This is extremely hard for the friend, but no one has a duty to stay in a friendship if it’s making them unhappy.

@PinkGiraffe1 it is very hard to lose close friends no matter your circumstances. It sounds like a good move to send flowers and give Ann space, and maybe she will feel able to contact you in the future.

Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 13:05

Yet all the OP has posted has been secondhand from a mutual friend and Ann’s husband; she hasn’t had a direct conversation with Ann.

And that says it all, doesn’t it? Ann simply can’t be arsed to have even one conversation with the OP over this.

I know who I think is “so nasty”.

the7Vabo · 23/02/2025 14:11

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/02/2025 12:56

It sounds like Ann isn’t a bad person and that she didn’t want to feel the way she feels. I was genuinely delighted when the friend I have started to distance myself from had her baby, I gave thoughtful gifts and was very present in the early months. When I first started to feel down after and during spending time with her I did my best to ignore it and probably overcompensated by trying harder with gifts and my time. However ultimately I couldn’t push down the feelings and I started to find it too hard, it wasn’t really due to anything my friend did specifically although I think it didn’t help that her baby is high needs so friend was often tired and would voice how hard she was finding the lack of sleep/ baby teething etc. I wanted to be supportive but found it hard every time she was at all negative about the baby, even though I appreciate that’s unreasonable and that parents are entitled to voice the hard bits of raising a baby I just don’t want to hear it. I felt the same when she moaned about her partner, who she is very happy with and is generally a good father/ husband, not pulling his weight in small ways, I didn’t want to hear it because I know in the unlikely event I ever had a child I will be going it alone. I feel like I can’t be a good friend to my friend and spending time with her and her family just solidified it until it’s gotten to the point I can’t keep pretending. My friend hasn’t done anything wrong but our circumstances feel too different now to be as close as we were, hopefully that might change in the future I certainly don’t wish to burn any bridges and I certainly won’t raise it with her (or anybody else as this thread shows that mutual friends don’t always keep things to themselves!) but I suppose she probably is wondering why I’m not keen to see her anymore. It’s not really like I can say I l find you too negative about your baby and partner and don’t like talking about them because it makes me feel like a failure for being single and childless. I don’t want to make her feel guilty or risk her feeling angry or badmouthing me to others, I know I’m being unreasonable but ultimately I can’t help how I feel and unfortunately I tried to ignore it but it made it worse.

I think you’re right to protect yourself.

There are loads of people and places your friend can go to talk about the hard bits of being a parent & partner, baby groups for starters.

You’re not in a position to give that support and that’s ok.

Maybe when baby is a little older you can do some non baby things together.

the7Vabo · 23/02/2025 14:14

Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 13:05

Yet all the OP has posted has been secondhand from a mutual friend and Ann’s husband; she hasn’t had a direct conversation with Ann.

And that says it all, doesn’t it? Ann simply can’t be arsed to have even one conversation with the OP over this.

I know who I think is “so nasty”.

I doubt it’s a matter of not being arsed. She likely feels a lot of emotion around it.

Ann clearly has given the OP a lot of support and now for whatever reason she can’t.

Yes it’s poor not to communicate but some things are v difficult to say.

Downtoearthandsinksthesun · 23/02/2025 14:43

Let Ann go and do what she needs to protect herself and her mental health. She has been a good friend thus far and now it seems for a lot of reasons, she cannot be around you. That does not make her a bitter, jealous or twisted person. It makes her a woman who is struggling with her emotions of what she thought her life would turn out like and how it actually panned out. I don't think it's a personal thing but a circumstantial one. She has retreated to look after herself and that is ok. She is doing what is best for her.

WashableVelvet · 23/02/2025 14:58

Your twins are 7m old and she’s been distant for about 3 months, right? And you’ve been friends for years/decades?

I think it may be too soon to dump her back, given how long you’ve been friends for and how important that has been.
Jealousy is horrible to experience. She’s said and done all the right things when she’s been with you.

My guess is that maybe she knows her jealousy is irrational, she knows she mustn’t express it to you and your good luck has come with a lot of bad luck too, but it’s still eating her up right now and she needs space to get over herself. Maybe she’ll tap back in to your friendship once she’s able to. I’d give her more time.

InterIgnis · 23/02/2025 15:44

the7Vabo · 23/02/2025 14:14

I doubt it’s a matter of not being arsed. She likely feels a lot of emotion around it.

Ann clearly has given the OP a lot of support and now for whatever reason she can’t.

Yes it’s poor not to communicate but some things are v difficult to say.

And OP has given Ann a lot of support, yet Ann can’t extend enough grace to even have a conversation with OP because it may be ‘too difficult’.

Ann can behave as she likes, but she isn’t owed understanding and/or sympathy, especially not from those she chooses to behave poorly towards.

Jealousy and envy may be natural emotions, but that doesn’t make them positive ones that require indulging. It doesn’t mean that anyone else needs to look kindly upon you as a person when you can act according to them.

CottonCandyCrank · 23/02/2025 15:55

InterIgnis · 23/02/2025 15:44

And OP has given Ann a lot of support, yet Ann can’t extend enough grace to even have a conversation with OP because it may be ‘too difficult’.

Ann can behave as she likes, but she isn’t owed understanding and/or sympathy, especially not from those she chooses to behave poorly towards.

Jealousy and envy may be natural emotions, but that doesn’t make them positive ones that require indulging. It doesn’t mean that anyone else needs to look kindly upon you as a person when you can act according to them.

Maybe OP should go round and speak to Ann then, get to the bottom of it all, then she will know where she stands. It may not end well but at least it'll be sorted and both know where they stand. I dont think Ann has behaved poorly by saying no to play dates, or saying she is busy.. etc.

If a friend started ignoring me, I'd ask them what's up and had I done something to upset them. Ann may not feel comfortable confronting her friend and telling her whats wrong, without the question being asked to her.

Maybe its nothing to do with money, babies and all that OP has said, it may relate to something completely different.

InterIgnis · 23/02/2025 16:16

CottonCandyCrank · 23/02/2025 15:55

Maybe OP should go round and speak to Ann then, get to the bottom of it all, then she will know where she stands. It may not end well but at least it'll be sorted and both know where they stand. I dont think Ann has behaved poorly by saying no to play dates, or saying she is busy.. etc.

If a friend started ignoring me, I'd ask them what's up and had I done something to upset them. Ann may not feel comfortable confronting her friend and telling her whats wrong, without the question being asked to her.

Maybe its nothing to do with money, babies and all that OP has said, it may relate to something completely different.

Assuming what OP was told is true, it’s pathetic and cowardly behavior to air resentments to a third party whilst simultaneously going cold on someone, that has been a good friend, when they’ve done nothing wrong. Like I said, Ann’s feelings may explain why she’s acting as she is, but they don’t excuse her poor behavior towards OP. Understanding why someone is acting in a shitty way doesn’t negate the fact their actions are shitty, nor the harm caused by them. That she feels bad/jealous/envious/uncomfortable doesn’t mean anyone is required to pander to her, or owes her understanding and sympathy.

I would have tackled it earlier too, but given that OP didn’t I don’t necessarily think bothering to address it now is the best idea. IMO OP would be best advised to forget about her.

CottonCandyCrank · 23/02/2025 17:11

InterIgnis · 23/02/2025 16:16

Assuming what OP was told is true, it’s pathetic and cowardly behavior to air resentments to a third party whilst simultaneously going cold on someone, that has been a good friend, when they’ve done nothing wrong. Like I said, Ann’s feelings may explain why she’s acting as she is, but they don’t excuse her poor behavior towards OP. Understanding why someone is acting in a shitty way doesn’t negate the fact their actions are shitty, nor the harm caused by them. That she feels bad/jealous/envious/uncomfortable doesn’t mean anyone is required to pander to her, or owes her understanding and sympathy.

I would have tackled it earlier too, but given that OP didn’t I don’t necessarily think bothering to address it now is the best idea. IMO OP would be best advised to forget about her.

I did say to leave her be and let her deal with whatever her issues are... but if OP wants to know, she needs to go speak to her.

What are our opinions going to solve with her issue? Only Ann can let her know the truth

Lollipop81 · 23/02/2025 17:42

I wouldn’t want to be friends with the people. They obviously don’t value your friendship much if they drop it because they are jealous. Hurtful as it is you need to move on. Leave them feeling bitter and jealous.
also you have 2 children who have never met their grandparents and I bet right now you need your parents support more than ever. A good friend would realise this and be there for you. Jealousy is a vile emotion.

Powderblue1 · 23/02/2025 17:49

This is just a sad situation all around. I can empathise with Ann and understand why she may feel that way, but your feelings are valid too.

We've had a similar situation in our lives, my DH is very successful and that has altered some of our old friendships negatively unfortunately. My closest friend did the same to me and two what's down the line admitted she was jealous and unhappy in herself. Hurt like hell at the time and we're still not ok now.

StarkleLittleTwink · 23/02/2025 18:02

They are probably envious of you and finding it difficult to deal with your success and money despite your very sad losses. So sorry for this OP. I had a similar situation but the other way round - I got divorced and my status went right down as a result. One of my besties dumped me then which made me very sad for a long time. I got over it though in time and carved a new life for myself; new job/husband etc.and made new friends. You will do the same.

ErinBell01 · 23/02/2025 18:17

I haven't time to read all the posts so maybe this has already been said. Your husband has already phoned so I think phoning again is not on. However, you're very hurt so I think to make you feel better you could get a nice card and drop Anne and Ben a line along the lines of you're very sorry to hear how they feel, you valued their friendship and will miss them greatly, but you respect their decision. However, you'll always be there for them if they want to talk or meet up.
I wouldn't go into any details about the problems, there's nothing you can say that will make them feel differently. But writing will make you feel that you've done as much as you can and have left the door open and the ball in their court to use two metaphors.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 23/02/2025 18:46

My sister was miffed when I got pregnant because at the time she didn't have a partner and wanted a child. She could barely hide her relief when I lost the pregnancy. Imagine being that person. Jealousy is poison.

Praying4Peace · 23/02/2025 18:48

MumChp · 22/02/2025 13:27

It's always easier to be the one who succeeds in life.

Accept that it's their feelings and decision.

This
Let them be, easier for all

JennyTals · 23/02/2025 18:49

Yes have also experienced this, and now I find its a truly quite hard to be truly friends with people when your lifestyles are so different
Even when you downplay everything they still see the holidays you go on and the lifestyle you live

It's probably the twins that was the final straw

andthat · 23/02/2025 18:52

MumChp · 22/02/2025 13:27

It's always easier to be the one who succeeds in life.

Accept that it's their feelings and decision.

Did you read the bit about losing two parents, a grandparent and a job?

Yes the OP has more money now… but some of it came at a cost and her friends should recognise that.

windyup76 · 23/02/2025 18:52

It’s life, just respect their decision and move along, it is sad but it’s not your position to try to correct/win them over

JoyousGreyOrca · 23/02/2025 18:53

JennyTals · 23/02/2025 18:49

Yes have also experienced this, and now I find its a truly quite hard to be truly friends with people when your lifestyles are so different
Even when you downplay everything they still see the holidays you go on and the lifestyle you live

It's probably the twins that was the final straw

I think downplaying stuff is not the way to go. Its obvious you are doing so.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 23/02/2025 18:54

You think you haven't changed and you probably haven't.

This reminds me that I have heard a number of celebrities say that when they became famous they didn't change but all the people around them did. Someone else who became famous said that when he won an award all his friends started telling him that he had become very arrogant (he hadn't) and there was nothing he could do to change their minds. If he had tried to give them some of his fortune they would probably say that he was patronising them. Another celebrity said that, for those reasons, his friendship group became very small when he became successful. I have had a similar experience, so I know how painful it is.

Op you probably haven't changed, but your friend has. There is nothing you can do about that. It is the saddest thing, but you have to accept it and find friends who support you no matter how lucky/successful you are.

JoyousGreyOrca · 23/02/2025 18:57

But there are celebrities who are still in touch with all their childhood friends.

I think when people get a lot of success and adoration for it, many do become arrogant at first, even if they do not realise it.

Newlywedgal · 23/02/2025 19:00

Been in this position myself multiple times

nothing you can do - its heartbreaking. They have made their mind up about your ‘new character’ and there will be little you can do to stop it.

not flashing on social media makes no difference

i am so sorry but its not you, its them

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 23/02/2025 19:10

JoyousGreyOrca · 23/02/2025 18:57

But there are celebrities who are still in touch with all their childhood friends.

I think when people get a lot of success and adoration for it, many do become arrogant at first, even if they do not realise it.

Of course many celebrities are still in touch with childhood friends. Not everyone reacts with jealousy or strangeness to friends' success, but very many do.

And also yes some people become arrogant with success, but not everyone. I believe op when she says she isn't one of the arrogant ones.

Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment · 23/02/2025 19:14

InterIgnis · 23/02/2025 16:16

Assuming what OP was told is true, it’s pathetic and cowardly behavior to air resentments to a third party whilst simultaneously going cold on someone, that has been a good friend, when they’ve done nothing wrong. Like I said, Ann’s feelings may explain why she’s acting as she is, but they don’t excuse her poor behavior towards OP. Understanding why someone is acting in a shitty way doesn’t negate the fact their actions are shitty, nor the harm caused by them. That she feels bad/jealous/envious/uncomfortable doesn’t mean anyone is required to pander to her, or owes her understanding and sympathy.

I would have tackled it earlier too, but given that OP didn’t I don’t necessarily think bothering to address it now is the best idea. IMO OP would be best advised to forget about her.

I concur.

It takes a hefty dose of emotional brutality AND cowardice not to have the decency, nor a modicum of care, to not let a supposedly good friend know - just with a few brief lines via email, text, WhatsApp, snail mail……- that the reason for your distance ISN’T something she’s done wrong, but because the friend is struggling with some conflicting emotions and feelings.

A friend saying “ I feel awful about this, but right now due to your good fortune I feel so envious & resentful I can’t be the friend you need & deserve. Forgive me and, if you can, don’t give up on me “. THAT I could understand and forgive.

But a so called friend who starts to ghost me and drops me like a hot potato without a single word of explanation - nah. Integrity, emotional maturity and honesty matter. No adult needs “friends” who behave like self-absorbed toddlers or teenagers.

OP ….I completely respect your decision. But, respectfully, sending this woman flowers smacks of a kicked puppy who slinks back hoping to get a cuddle again. There is truth in the saying “Be careful what you tolerate. It teaches people how to treat you”. All the very best x