Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

Maybe if it was the money or the twins, but perhaps both just felt like too much.

Hilarious that you’re pumping Mumsnet for sympathy with all your money and kids and success and friends when ‘Ann’ has none of these things and has gently removed herself from the pain. Way to be a great person, OP.

ADHD is often hereditary and very often comes with feelings of being insecure, unworthy and rejected. I have no idea if this comes from Ann or not, but if Ann has these feelings, even if irrational, they are very difficult to control. There are some great books/audio books by Roxanne Pink that might help you understand. I too am living through this and had distanced from a few friends (albeit for different reasons). Those who I could talk openly too I am now managing to rekindle the relationship. Even having a child with ADHD is hard, never mind combining that with infertility etc. It sounds like you are a great friend and that she has a lot going on.

And the other thing about twins (that you don't appreciate until you have them) is how you become some weird "mum celebrity" for the first few years. People are fascinated.

I will never forget the first time I took them to the supermarket. It took 2 and a quarter hours. Because everyone stops you. "Omg twins! Are they twins? My granny's neighbour's sister's mum is a twin! Which one's the oldest? Are they identical? Ooooh double trouble! I'm a twin! Do they run in the family? Oh aren't they lovely!...."

It's beyond intense. And I can imagine, hell for someone denied the ability to conceive their second child to be around.

Ann and Ben feel ashamed and embarrassed to socialise with you because they can't match you. You are a sad reminder of their infertility problems. (which would have cost them a lot, with deep grief associated).
Stay friendly, you can't change how a person feels. You still care for Ann and Ben so remember to organise some less costly meet ups and outings, ask Ann's advice on things you admire her for.. She must not be rubbish at everything even though she feels like rubbish.
Altimately it is their choice.
Perhaps remembering to include their child in invitations is a way to influence them to sometimes join in.

Yep, completely bonkers.

Like the nonsensical saying Money doesn't buy happiness, it's how people who will never be wealthy comfort themselves.

The truth is, if you cannot be happy wealthy, you are the problem, not the money.

And, as Michael Caine supposedly said "I've been rich and unhappy, and poor and unhappy. Rich is better"

According to the OP, Anne was at a party with mutual friends that the OP later grilled for gossip about Anne. So clearly she does have friends and goes out to parties.

Anne tried to quietly move away from the OP who first would not take the hint, then her husband phoned to embarrass Anne's husband, OP's husband then suggested she "have it out" with Anne for daring to want to move on from the friendship.

OP goes on quite a bit about all the things she has done for Anne, and clearly feels entitled to Anne's friendship forever. Anne is probably just sick of her, to be honest, and they are using this as an excuse.

After being told the reason why Anne has dumped her and apparently not accepting it the OP then went to mumsnet to wail and weep.

If anything, it's the OP who has main character syndrome. She sounds a bit batshit, to be honest.

And the OP makes sure to remind us all several times of all the things she has done for Anne.

How dare Anne want to flee from this paragon of selfless virtue?!

Yep. Every bit of this.

They don't like us? Phone them, phone them now and they must explain themselves.

"Humble" people eh...

I’d leave it. You don’t sound as though you’ve been pushing it in their faces. It’s their problem, sadly.

It must be difficult to be rejected for something that you didn’t do.

Yes, God forbid you should be able to enjoy any of your good fortune. Make sure you stay in a two-up two-down, keep buying Tesco Value and go on holiday to Butlins. After all, the most important thing is not to upset a “friend” who can’t be pleased for you having a little bit of good fortune after losing three close relatives in quick succession.

If you’re going to lay into the OP, at least get your facts right. From OP’s initial post:

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.
I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann

OP, I’m really not sure why you’re getting so much hate on here - well, actually it seems that’s what Mumsnet is all about lately - people reading things that aren’t there or making things up just to have a dig at you.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your friendship. It is, of course, up to Ann and Ben if they feel they need to distance themselves but that doesn’t mean it’s not upsetting for you.

According to the OP, Anne was at a party with mutual friends that the OP later grilled for gossip about Anne.

Even if this were true, which it isn’t, “grilling for gossip” would only work if Ann had been talking about the OP to other people. Ann must have said something for Clare to be able to repeat it. That doesn’t really fit with the narrative that Ann is a wounded angel who has discreetly withdrawn to deal with her own pain.

Blimey some people take threads about complete strangers VERY PERSONALLY 😂😂

I find it quite sad that friendships in this way depend on having mutual lifestyles but unfortunately it can be a reality of life. If some people are struggling with certain aspects in their life it's hard to be so close to people who then have what you want. Not entirely similar but when I miscarried twice I couldn't bear to be around any of my friends with children for about two years. I feel really bad now when I look back 12 years ago but for me it was about self preservation. I'm not saying it's ok but it can be a part of human nature.

Anne has lost friends in the past so clearly has form for this behaviour. She's not the only one with her own grief to process. OP has lost her parents FFS. I stand by what I said. OP is better off without her.

Even if they stayed in their old home you are going to notice money spent on improvements or should anyone who has money squirrel it away for fear of offending some overly jealous people who probably wouldn't think twice about moving that if they came into money

No one has said they flaunted their wealth but big life events like moving house of familial deaths cause conversations. As do new cats and holidays, pretty normal conversations friends have.

Besides which your post missed my point about it not being easier when you not only gain something but also often have to lose something precious at the same time.

The sheer level of envy on MN is appalling

Cars not cats

You know all this but doesn’t mean it does t hurt. It’s sad to loose a friend. I’m sorry

I kind of understand both sides, but i am sorry, i'm more for Ann. Maybe as i know i would feel similar. I feel really sorry for her 💔. It can be really hard when people inherit money (its free money at the end of the day) and manage to buy better houses or pay off mortgages, nice cars, more holidays etc and not have the financial strain. Yes, losing your parents/grandparents can be awful, but inheritance can make life a lot easier. Death is inevitable and we all know thats gonna happen at some point. It might be that if Ann was to lose loved ones, she still wouldn't get anything financially, so it's a loss/loss. No silver lining. I have lost grandparents and got nothing, so has my partner and his grandparent was a self made millionaire.. and he got nothing, it's damn hard. Not everyone gets the same luxury when loved ones pass.

Yes, you lost your job and got paid out redundancy and then both got better jobs with better pay and she still hung around, so her knowing you are having to work to earn the money was fine, but knowing you have just been lucky and been given a lump sum just because... i get how she feels.

You are very lucky in that respect and I don't think you are taking Ann's feelings into consideration at all. You may not be flaunting it, but she found out somehow, maybe you should have kept it quiet. You have quite happily let us know you have loads of money.. hell I am jealous of you and have no idea who you are 😂

I suffered miscarriages before my youngest was born and it was so hard to be happy for people getting pregnant and having babies. IVF is expensive and it sounds like she has given up on that now, and that is a hard pill to swallow, knowing that you won't have another child when it's something you desperately long for 😪

I know an old friend won a substantial amount of money (talking tens of millions) and as much as I am happy for them and the life they can now enjoy, it's left me feeling really depressed and the reality that my life will never have the same freedom. It also hard that the person chose to cut all contact. And they wasn't a close friend but it has had a real negative impact on my mental health. I will admit, I am extremely jealous 😅

I hate that for my family to be just about financially stable and have less worries means I would have to pass away to get life insurance sum and mortgage paid... how the hell is that fair? 😪 if your life in general is a happy one, then of course money can make a massive difference and you can get so much fulfillment.

If Ann knows she will never be in your position, then you have to understand she is saving herself from envy and jealousy, and decided for her own mental health it's better to lose the friendship. Seeing you and spending time with you might be to hard on her and it may push her over the edge, so she has backed away to save herself. I'd leave her alone

@CottonCandyCrank

Money does nothing to make losing a parent easier, ever, unless they were estranged or you hated them.

Money pays bills and buys treats it doesn't prevent grief, pain or loss. One of the hardest griefs is losing a parent. Money can buy you a takeaway, how the hell does that make it easy?

You are very lucky in that respect and I don't think you are taking Ann's feelings into consideration at all. You may not be flaunting it, but she found out somehow, maybe you should have kept it quiet.

Most people tell their friends what’s going on in their lives. This is normal.

Good friends - hell, just plain old decent people - don’t turn a friend losing both their parents into a pity party for themselves because they aren’t getting any money.

We inheritted a lot of money. Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc

If you inherit a lot of money from the loss of a parent, yes it does make your financial situation better and easier. If her parents hadn't died she wouldn't be able to afford the above. Yes, she would absolutely rather have her parents back than all their money. My point is, losing a parent is absolutely heartbreaking but if it makes life a little easier, there is some relief from that. Whereas many people lose parents and don't get any inheritance at all.

She should have maybe kept any money she got inherited, or from her redundancy and how much she earns in her job, from her friends, as it likely will cause jealousy if there in a much better financial position. Why would her friends know all her financial info anyway. Did she brag? And didn't realise she was.

I mean she doesn't say how much, but I guess it depends on the amount I suppose. Someone getting say 10k is nothing to be jealous of, but someone inheriting up to 200k or more, plus redundancy payout and high earning salaries is enough to make a friend internally jealous. Having more holidays a year and buying nice clothes. She may not feel like they are in the same boat anymore.

We have only heard one side.. be interesting to see Ann's view 😊

I still don't understand, after reading most of the comments, what is wrong with stepping back from a friendship at a time in your life when you don't have much to give to it. Yes, Ann could maybe have done it more kindly, but she did respond to refuse invites and reply over WhatsApp that she was busy, it's not like the OP was ghosted.

This does not make it anyone's fault, but we all have limited stores of energy and it sounds like Ann is at a stage of her life when she is having to reserve hers for herself (and probably her child too) and she is probably focusing on what brings them joy and a measure of contentment at the moment. This does not necessarily mean that she is "jealous" of the OP, or resents her, but just that she is not in a good place to promote this particular friendship right now. That she doesn't have the emotional reserves to be all happy and jolly at meet-ups and control her child and show a proper interest in the OP's child right now.

When my older one was a toddler, I took a step backwards from a friendship with another mum because it really wasn't working for me or my child. Although she had a lovely house and a second child on the way at a time that I was suffering with secondary infertility, it wasn't because I was jealous or bitter, it was because our meet-ups left me stressed and on-edge and a worse parent to my own child. My child was considerably more energetic and boisterous than hers and we seemed to have fallen into a rut where my little one would be demonised and watched like a hawk, whereas hers could do no wrong. The dynamic really wasn't working and I would become snappy and harsh with my little one during meet-ups. So I pulled back on the meet-ups with children and focused on appreciating and cherishing my child and the friendship did fizzle out a bit as a result, though we're still in touch.