My H is being ridiculous isn't he?

[SoftPlayAllDay]

My H is in his mid 40s. He's been very down for a long time, distracted, always mumbling to himself. He used to be a bit of a party boy.

His friends no longer want to go out out and get v drunk (until 5am type nights) and his friends keep saying no to his suggestions.

he was saying how annoyed he feels he never goes out anymore. And saying he's sad as he's losing his mates and just is at home the whole time.

I suggested he was going to have to change his mindset and instead just see his friends for a few pints and then come home a bit earlier and just have a "chat and a catch up but nothing messy"

He just had such a go at me. Saying "that's a woman's idea of a good time. Men do not go to the pub for a chat. We aren't women and interested in talking about other people or whatever shit you find interesting. We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

And now he's sulking and looking at his phone. He is so unattractive to me. I feel like he's 14 years old not 44. As if men don't go to the pub for a chat and a couple of pints? Hes ridiculous isn't he? Or should i just stay out of it?

Yes @GeorgeMichaelsCat @MusicMakesItAllBetter I feel youre right. Quite honestly I struggle to find any respect or love for him at times. I feel terrified but also know something has to change.

I got to the stage with my ex where it was easier parenting alone.

you are right- trying to co-parent with someone like this will be difficult, but you are already co-parenting with him and he’s shit at it.

I found it was easier to get on with it alone. Just pay for childcare and get him to pay for half

When we feel that 'something needs to change', sometimes it's good to visualize what that change would look like. This may sound 'new age-y', but it can work.

So, sit quietly for a bit and actually see your home in your mind's eye without him in it, or visualize your 'new' home that way. Picture his things/crap gone. Picture the furniture the way you want it, pictures on the walls you like. The food you want in the fridge. Picture not hearing his whinging, his immaturity, and not wondering where he is or if he'll walk in the door three sheets to the wind (or worse). Then picture the peace, the quiet. The rules are your rules. The routine is yours. Yes, you do have to picture that you're the one 'doing it all', but realize that you're doing it your way in your time with no feelings of resentment that you're 'doing it all' as he sits there gaming or is out 'partying'.

How does that mental picture make you feel? (that's Rhetorical)

@AcrossthePond55 I know you said its rhetorical...ha ha...but I did it and I feels like freedom. Absolute happiness.

Just had blazing row with him. Ended up with him shouting how lonely he feels and lots of "fuck you, you're a fucking man hater" and then he started alluding to something really weird, talking about a weekend a few weeks ago when we had an argument and he said "you don't know what happened that day. I will never tell you what happened when I left the house. I will never tell you what nearly happened". I didny respond. And he went mad again "you're so cruel"

I think he is very very unhappy and he believes I am the reason why.

Sounds like he's been radicalised by the Tate / manosphere rubbish. Be careful. It will only get worse.

@SoftPlayAllDay he’s playing games, being cryptic in the hope you’ll beg to know what happened, that way he will feel he is in control by not telling you. By not engaging you are not allowing the dynamic he craves. There is most likely a severe mental health aspect but he’s not taking any accountability and transferring the perceived ‘fault’ to you. Depending on how he was speaking I’m presuming he was alluding to doing something to hurt himself, most instances where this is voiced to a partner during an argument it’s used as a manipulation tactic.

How do you plan to move forward?

Don't know @NZDreaming just lying in the bed in the spare room a bit bewildered. I know this can't continue but I find it v hard to see a way through. He can be so unbelievably unreasonable and just has very emotional reactions. Shouting, swearing, lots of "you will never understand me". The more he does it the more unemotional I feel for some reason and he calls me cruel and tonight said I wss a "horrendous human being". It's jist always about him. And I have tried to get him MH help but I feel like giving up

everything you've said about him makes him sound like a teenager going through puberty.

@SoftPlayAllDay as the saying goes you can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. His behaviour is severely affecting your quality of life and it sounds like you’ve tried to support him but he’s refusing to engage. I suppose a next step could be couples counselling (unless you feel you will both be able to have a constructive, calm and rational conversation without a mediator, which given his behaviour seems unlikely). This isn’t necessarily to save the relationship but to help you communicate with each other. If you are able to talk to him and he’ll engage, ask him what it is he wants, how he envisages things improving. You can then move on to whether that matches up with what you want. If he won’t engage amicably then you likely need to make some decisions on how you want things to go moving forward.

The more he does it the more unemotional I feel

Use that lack of emotion to your advantage. The fact that he taunted you about 'you'll never know what happened' shows that he wants to provoke a reaction from you, he feeds off it. Time to back away and stop engaging. Don't rise, just walk away, or simply go to your 'happy place' in your mind when he starts in. To respond to him or argue with him simply adds 'ammo' to his feelings of self-righteousness and belief that he is so, so mistreated.

Remember that nothing you do, nothing you say will change who he is or what he believes. And that nothing he says, nothing he does will really touch who you are and what you know to be true. You know your truth, you know his lies and manipulations.

As far as him believing that you are the reason he is so unhappy, deep down he knows it's not true. He simply can't bear to face the fact that the reason he's unhappy is because he's an immature shit.

Keep moving forward getting ducks in a row. Gather your paperwork, secure your documents, see a solicitor. As you move forward you will leave him, and his ability to 'get to you', further and further behind.

That sounds awful 😬

Are there any family who can talk to him? It does sound like he misses his old life but things change when you get older, children etc and he shouldn't be taking it out on you

did You marry a 16 year old cause that’s what it’s sounds like. I’d be jealous of my husband’s friends wives. You got the loser. Show him this.

I feel so sorry that you have to live like that OP. What an absolute saddo! You know it, we know it, he knows it and his friends also know it; which is why they are so far removed from him and keep rejecting him. Absolute joker of a man. I’d bet any money his mates wives think he’s a prick and actively discourage them from associating with him because he sounds mental.

He has the emotional range and capabilities of a manky old piece of blu tack and he is so jealous of your ability to maintain friendships and your social skills that he seeks to undermine you by belittling you and patronising you and your friends. Sounds like every other pissed up narcissistic twat you’ll find in any grimy pub. “I won’t tell you what nearly happened”. Yeah, that shit never happened. He just wants to kid himself for just one single second that he can lead you into believing that some woman would take even a backwards glance at him. To think he’s worth something or desirable - because he knows there’s no way in hell he is. With his attitude he’d struggle to pull a muscle let alone a woman with any single shred of self respect or common sense. 🤮

Who on God’s green earth would want a repugnant waste of air like that?! Emotionally abusive and deluded. He sure as shit doesn’t deserve you OP. He’s projecting all of his self-loathing and insecurities straight onto you. He wants you to feel just as insecure as he is. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Get out of there ASAP. Let his mother have him back.

The, "I won't tell you what nearly happened"..... I didn't think about cheating on her. I thought suicide 🫢
He sounds the type to emotionally blackmail with suicide

I think PP are right and the "you don't know what nearly happened" refers to some sort of self harm or worse. He was saying it in the context of how awful I am and how miserable and lonely he is in our marriage.

He was so upset I didn't ask him. He kept saying "you will NEVER know" and I just "OK".

That probably is quite cold of me.

I think this has got to the stage where it’s potentially dangerous for you OP.

Would he leave if you asked? Would it be easier to leave yourself? What’s the overall situation?

When I was with my ex (who mentally and emotionally abused me) he stood at our front door and held a large knife to his stomach and said if I walked out he'd kill himself. I didn't leave him then because, how could I? People said that it was blackmail and that if I'd left he probably wouldn't have pushed the knife into his stomach and even if he did, it would not have been my fault. He was unhinged (family issues) and it sounds the same for your DH.

Remember, his actions are on him and it's not ok for him to blackmail you.

You're not cold. You're protecting yourself. Personally I couldn't be in a relationship where they've shown themselves like this as their true colours

Threats of self harm are a well known controlling abuser's tactic.

And they are also a sign of mental illness.

I'd say start asking him to see a doctor - and make that your main topic of conversation.

Every time he starts to go off on one, go down the 'I'm worried about you' route and talk about how you feel he needs help.

Would you feel comfortable speaking to his friends, telling them you're worried and asking if they've noticed his behaviour? They may be concerned but not felt they could raise the subject.

It might be an idea to discreetly record him on your phone when he starts, so you can show others why you're worried, if he's tried spreading lies about you.

But the main thing is - do you feel safe as a family around him?

I'd say stop thinking and talking in terms of him being ridiculous - that sounds like you're minimising what could be a serious situation, and also that you're mocking him.

Is there the faintest possibility he could be dangerous? Recording of him ranting could again help you evidence your concern, or be useful should he do anything, either to himself or others.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

I agree with pp who say that this behaviour is emotionally abusive- manipulation and threats (even cryptic) of self harm are all signs of abuse.

@SoftPlayAllDay if you can’t do right in his eyes even when you try to get him to go to doctors or counsellors, maybe it’s time to call his bluff and point out that as you are the reason he is so miserable, he’d be much happier if he moved out.

That

Is this really what you want the rest of your life to be like? I would be walking away

He is abusive.
Please get your children out of this environment, the trauma will have long lasting effects on them. Their wellbeing should be more important than anything else.
Sorry you are going through this, hope you can find some strength and support.

Clearly neither of you are happy in this relationship, it’s become toxic and needs to to end.

he may well feel suicidal, it’s not your fault though and doesn’t mean you to have put up with things as they are. I’d let his family know so they can keep an eye but I’d push forward with plans to separate asap

who knows though, he might become a new man when set free to game in his pants and go out drinking all night with a bunch of other divorced men.

OP I would strongly recommend getting together all the financial information quickly and having a meeting (not just a free 30 mins) with a good divorce lawyer asap to gain a good understanding of the likely play out if you want to split. Even if you don’t want to activate anything at this stage, having this knowledge is very powerful and allows you to push a button with more clarity as and when necessary

Cold? No. Sensible! Don't let yourself be manipulated!! You took exactly the right approach

It's easier for him to blame you than to accept that he's the one with issues. Start planning now, it's unlikely to get any better.