My H is being ridiculous isn't he?

[SoftPlayAllDay]

My H is in his mid 40s. He's been very down for a long time, distracted, always mumbling to himself. He used to be a bit of a party boy.

His friends no longer want to go out out and get v drunk (until 5am type nights) and his friends keep saying no to his suggestions.

he was saying how annoyed he feels he never goes out anymore. And saying he's sad as he's losing his mates and just is at home the whole time.

I suggested he was going to have to change his mindset and instead just see his friends for a few pints and then come home a bit earlier and just have a "chat and a catch up but nothing messy"

He just had such a go at me. Saying "that's a woman's idea of a good time. Men do not go to the pub for a chat. We aren't women and interested in talking about other people or whatever shit you find interesting. We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

And now he's sulking and looking at his phone. He is so unattractive to me. I feel like he's 14 years old not 44. As if men don't go to the pub for a chat and a couple of pints? Hes ridiculous isn't he? Or should i just stay out of it?

I’d be getting that tragic, aging, friendless, misogynistic sack of shit out of my house. Of course his opinions matter, they’re infiltrating your children’s brains. Awful.

Are you even reading the same post as everyone else? 😂😂

You do seem to be married to a hormonal 14 year old gaming-in-his-pants incel.

Is this the 'how men behave' example you want your boys to grow up observing?

Is this the 'and women just put up with it and subject their children to it' view you want them to acquire?

You may have daughters in law one day. This is going to guide how their lives will be.

I think reaching out here means you're ready to deal with it.

Are his friends just like him? Or is it possible they've had enough of the sullen mysoginistic mutterings too, and are withdrawing attention from him?

I think he's grieving the youth that's slipped away from him and the rose coloured memories he thinks can be recreated now as middle aged men.

He may have something wrong with him. Depression and loneliness are a problem as men age and their friend groups change.

I can imagine what his answer will be, but it might be worth an I'm worried about you conversation. Ask if he'd make a doctor's appointment. If he stamps on it, at least you tried.

www.ageuk.org.uk/northtyneside/about-us/news/articles/2021/the-male-menopause/

I'd say this is a classic example of red pill/Andrew Tate online radicalisation, if it's fairly recently that he started coming out with the misogyny. Many, many men allow themselves to be sucked in by it, and it sounds like your H is one of them. It's a very persuasive and harmful ideology and imo it requires pretty much deradicalisation along the same lines as religious/political fanaticism. Which it doesn't sound like your H wants

You're being unreasonable for asking us if he's being ridiculous when he is blatantly being unreasonable.

He's missing the lash and the bants with his mates. We all do for a while. I miss lbk (life before kids) and the antics that I got up to but it is was alright back then because I was the age to do that stuff.
I'm 47 with 2 kids now. I can't do that life anymore.

If that's what he wants then maybe they go on a lads holiday some time but to speak to you like that is unnecessary.
Rude actually and because I'm a gobby cunt I'd be saying "who'd you think you're talking to like that?" "Grow up ya man child ".

It's hard to adjust to the changes in life but we all have to grow up some time

I swear I read this exact post word for word a week or two ago

What an insufferable miserable fuckwit. The kids will be picking up on this regardless of how happy you think they are.
You’ll be so much more fulfilled doing it on your own as you won’t be managing him and his stupid opinions and moods.

@SoftPlayAllDay

He doesn't want help he wants a verbal punching bag for his unhappiness. In those situations, sometimes you just have to drop the rope. Stop 'helping', step back. When he moans just give a non-committal "Um-hmm" and move the conversation on. If he asks directly say "What do you think you should do?" and leave it at that. Nothing you say is going to do any good anyway, so why step right in the path of his anger?

In the long run, you have a very important decision to make. Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Is this what you want your children to see and live with during their formative years, and model in their adult years?

"Men are less emotional, more measured."

Always cracks me up when men claim this whilst having emotional outbursts. Quoting a great tweet that went viral at some point:

"honestly the best marketing scheme in history is men successfully getting away with calling women the "more emotional" gender for like, EONS, because they've successfully rebranded anger as Not An Emotion"

And in the mean time, your dcs are learning that this shit is acceptable.
Because you say nothing to keep the peace,

I also have no understanding of how wild and hilarious men are.

Clearly no one finds him wild and hilarious seeing as he can't find anyone to socialise with and bore with his concepts and ideas.

And clearly you, a mere woman (gasp!) has friends, a social life and a happy disposition. So you must be better company than him.

You are a more patient woman than me because I would have pointed all that out to him and told him he was a pathetic bore long ago.

Is it possible that he’s right that no one wants to socialise with him, and your suggestions make it harder for him to cope with that. At the moment he can pretend to himself it’s because they don’t want to stay out until 5am, when in fact they don’t want to go for a couple of pints either?

Either way, I’d keep out of it and make plans to leave. He sounds really dreadful- childish, sexist, petulant and thick. Is he a good partner in any other way because it’s really not coming across.

It’s not the fact he wants to stay out until 5am, it’s his attitude and insults directed at you. Is he just having a strop?

"I keep thinking his shitty opinions don't matter - just keep the peace..."

It's not working. It doesn't sound very peaceful at all.

Totally this- "he had such a go at me...he's in such a sulk...he even slammed the door...he's punishing me...I'm his punching bag...". Funny sort of peace, sounds more like domestic abuse.

Yeah, that's fair @Snowdrop51 @SheridansPortSalut I guess I just meant relative peace compared to splitting the family and dealing with the aftermath. But I don't like him very much a lot of the time. I do need to do something about that.

Do you and he talk? Or did you, when you first got together? What about? Or has he always made it clear that he thinks women are intellectually inferior beings who are just for sex, housework and childcare?

I honestly don't know. But it has revealed itself the better I do in my career. The irony is my job demands quite a lot of knowledge and he often tells me how boring it sounds. I do look back and think I glossed over some stuff, but if I pulled him up on it he always had a reassuring answer.

This is all so sad, op. You deserve better than putting up with an abusive partner just to avoid rocking the boat. It isn’t fair on you or your children to have to live like this.

Oh I don’t know then what to say if he rarely goes out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tell him stop talking about Wonen the way he does , he sounds like a weirdo to you !
Is this all new ?

It does sound like depression. See if you can get him to agree to a doctor appointment?

You need to talk, asap. Relationship counselling is needed, hopefully he is board and can acknowledge the mess - or it looks like game over IMO.

Mid-life crisis!

He feels inferior to you so he uses his 'masculinity' to break you down.
He's a wrongen mate, tell him to get out of contact women's and and they will help advise you how get him out.

Time to get out OP. This is no way to live, not to mention a terrible role model for your dc.