My H is being ridiculous isn't he?

[SoftPlayAllDay]

My H is in his mid 40s. He's been very down for a long time, distracted, always mumbling to himself. He used to be a bit of a party boy.

His friends no longer want to go out out and get v drunk (until 5am type nights) and his friends keep saying no to his suggestions.

he was saying how annoyed he feels he never goes out anymore. And saying he's sad as he's losing his mates and just is at home the whole time.

I suggested he was going to have to change his mindset and instead just see his friends for a few pints and then come home a bit earlier and just have a "chat and a catch up but nothing messy"

He just had such a go at me. Saying "that's a woman's idea of a good time. Men do not go to the pub for a chat. We aren't women and interested in talking about other people or whatever shit you find interesting. We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

And now he's sulking and looking at his phone. He is so unattractive to me. I feel like he's 14 years old not 44. As if men don't go to the pub for a chat and a couple of pints? Hes ridiculous isn't he? Or should i just stay out of it?

God that sounds miserable. I'd honestly plan to leave.
He's so wrong as well. It's been years since DH has been interested in messy all-nighters (since he stopped smoking, really).
He catches up with friends for coffee, going mountain-biking or a couple of pints.

I work in a pub. Many, many men do in fact go out for a chat and a catch up over a couple of pints and go home long before 5am. They talk about all sorts. Family, sports, weird medical issues and, complete nonsense. I think its great for their mental health. Your DP sounds like a bit of a knob who needs to grow up. You can't be 18 forever.

I’m in my mid (to late) 30s, I occasionally like going to a club but I’d be near dead if I was out until 5am these days. And honestly, many women want to leave by 1-2am because the amount of coked up middle aged men acting like creeps by that point makes for a ruined night if you don’t call it quits. I’m not saying that’s the OPs husband, have also known plenty of middle aged guys who are the designated driver or only been dragged out by younger mates who are absolutely not like this. But generally, it’s not a good look and I’d not be impressed. Sounds like his mates aren’t either…

I was going to say it sounds like he's at a tricky age and to keep an eye on him, OP, but the more we hear, the more it sounds like he's always been at a tricky age and is just getting worse. Your sons will be taking it all in as well. ☹️

Why isn't he paying his way? Start moving towards a situation where you have some financial wiggle room and a bit set aside for emergencies, it sounds like you may well need it at some point. Make sure you know the full financial situation for your family, and where everything is.

It sounds like you've got some hard thinking to do, but in the meantime, please don't accept that level of disrespect from him unless you are frightened to challenge him. (In which case, just pull the plug).

Wishing you all the best. x

That's because he will discuss important and difficult concepts and ideas, while you and your lady friends (😉) will discuss crocheting, cooking and humdrum lady topics.....

Urgh he sounds horrible. I think you were being very generous to suggest his friends still like him. They probably think he's a twat too.

I am pretty sure there are pubs across the country full right now of men having a quick chat over a pint. My DH meets his friend weekly to do this, when I ask him what he talks about be does say, well sometimes we talk about if a snail was as big as a lion who would win etc. He is 52 and an ex 'party boy' and friend is 60😂

He does like those daytime rave club things though, and so do I. Start at 1pm amd finish by 9. Good djs and a dance. They are quite fun and good to be amongst a largely over 35's crowd.

Noone wants to be out until 5 am when they have kids and a job, leave that to the people who can afford to take three days to recover

Tell him my ex is up for nights like this and that’s why he’s an ex, Peter Pan syndrome is so unattractive, he needs to grow up

Loads of men go out to chat with their mates. Your husband sounds like he's in mid life crisis territory. I dont know how you should handle this, I suppose it depends on if you want to stay in the relationship. Time to tell him a few home truths about how he needs to treat you if he wants to stay married to you. You can't support him through a difficult time if he's taking it all out on you.

"We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

They obviously don't, given that no one wants to join him.

what happens if he doesn't show for pickup or for his weekend or something? At the moment he does help out a bit albeit miserably. Him as a depressed, unreliable, self pitying "Co parent" sounds totally unmanageable to me.

<span class="mention">@SoftPlayAllDay</span> 

So, you don't 'manage' him. You manage yourself and your sons. If he shows, he shows. If he doesn't, he doesn't. You just make sure you have all your bases covered. I know this sounds blasé but honestly it's the way many, many women have to deal with things. And they'd rather have 100% of the 'parenting load' than live with a sulky, unreliable man they have to 'push' into being a parent. And frankly, they find they feel much 'lighter' at not having to goad some useless fecker into doing what they should enjoy doing, being a good father.

So have a good think about how often he actually 'helps out' of his own free will. Then think about the emotional toll it takes on you to poke, prod, 'encourage' him to do what he should do on his own and the emotional toll it takes on you to listen to his complaints and moaning.

And think about how peaceful your home would be without him there sulking about how awful his friends (and you) are. How calm without someone taking out their anger on you. Not walking on eggshells or having to take his 'moods' into account.

It's much easier to tackle the full load when you're by yourself than it is when there is someone who should be helping you sitting on their arse doing nothing. Or putting in the minimum they can whilst complaining about it all the while. How often have you said or thought "Never mind! I'll just do it myself".

The idea of separating and being a lone parent is scary, I admit. And yes there are 'unknowns'. But I'd start with figuring out if/how I could afford to pay for things on my own. Then I'd see a solicitor to educate myself on what divorce might mean to me. Take a 'snapshot' of family income/outgo and assets and have them go over it with you. It doesn't mean you have to 'do anything', you're just educating yourself on what divorce may mean to you, should that be your decision. Removing 'uncertainties' can help you see things more clearly. And forewarned is forearmed.

No idea why OP's name showed up like that in my post. I'll try again.

@SoftPlayAllDay

Is he still sulking OP?

Oh dear. He's been got by Andrew Tate, hasn't he. What a sad little man.

I simply wouldn't allow my son to be bought up by someone like this. Of course it's hard to be a single parent, but at least you won't have this waste of space in your house, bringing you down and potentially infecting your sons with his misogyny.

One of my mates has a useless ex-husband. You just have to assume he won't do anything - won't turn up, won't parent, but also won't get the joy of having children that love him. His choice.

@SoftPlayAllDay what does his mum and dad's evenings look like? What did they look like when he was young?
Perhaps they were party animals themselves and left their children to fend for themselves and got wasted most nights of the week. Children walking themselves to school etc.

What did your parents evenings look like when they had children at home?
Does he have siblings? Do they cope with not being drunk until 5am from a last minute invitation?

Seems like a midlife crisis. You're not there to put him back together though. If he's not willing to help himself and get hobbies that do not revolve around alcohol, perhaps he needs to grieve his youth without a partner and children having to walk on eggshells every weekend. What a grump he sounds!

You mention doesn't pay his way? is he a cocklodger as well as immature wanker?
There seems little if any positives, no wonder his mates aren't interested.

he's taking it out on me

This really isn't looking good, is it? Fair enough to feel sad that things move on but taking it out on you is never going to be good for your relationship. He sounds jealous of the life you have built for yourself.

What ties do you have to him?

I know mixed gender friendships are always suspect on MN, but this is why I never dated men who didn’t have any long term female friendships. If they’ve truly never, in their entire lives, come across a woman with whom they had something in common, really liked and didn’t want to sleep with (and had all of this reciprocated), then no. No, thank you.

I’m very sorry, OP. It sounds like such a difficult situation. I know it’s easy to say LTB, as a stranger on the internet, but real life is complicated. So, I have no advice, only commiserations.

Yeah. But I left him for a couple of hours to go see a friend and talk to someone. Now going to bed with a tea and face mask while he games. Thanks for giving advice everyone. I have a lot to think about

Id be organising stuff for you and the dc to do out of the house at the weekends. Leave him to his video games in the attic and go enjoy yourself.

Shoosh feeble woman with your feeble woman solutions
fuck that dick right off.

Well he clearly has several mates who are not Manly Men then...

Yes, he is being ridiculous.

He also has far too much time on his hands.

Gosh, am I a man then? I'd much rather talk about ideas / art etc than about people, and so would most of my female friends. Don't see what's pretentious about that, but the way he talks about women sounds very sexist and yes, he sounds very juvenile.

Why he can't he talk about the things he likes talking about, but until 11pm instead of 5am? Maybe whatever used to go on on these lads' nights wasn't quite as high-minded as he likes to make out.

This is no way to live, @SoftPlayAllDay . You were not put on this earth to become someone else's human garbage can. He will drag you down if you let him.

He is dumping all his negativity on you and his ex friends, but they have the liberty to just drop him and move on.

It would presumably take more effort for you. However, you should consider the fact that there is a cost to being treated badly by a surly, immature misogynist on an ongoing basis. A cost to you, and a cost to your children.

I was a up for three days (Northern soul all nighter lifestyle). Those days are long gone now it's afternoon beers out home by 5pm and we talk about any given subject.
Your Dh needs to face facts time has passed him by and his mates aren't up for the messy 5am finishes.