My H is being ridiculous isn't he?

[SoftPlayAllDay]

My H is in his mid 40s. He's been very down for a long time, distracted, always mumbling to himself. He used to be a bit of a party boy.

His friends no longer want to go out out and get v drunk (until 5am type nights) and his friends keep saying no to his suggestions.

he was saying how annoyed he feels he never goes out anymore. And saying he's sad as he's losing his mates and just is at home the whole time.

I suggested he was going to have to change his mindset and instead just see his friends for a few pints and then come home a bit earlier and just have a "chat and a catch up but nothing messy"

He just had such a go at me. Saying "that's a woman's idea of a good time. Men do not go to the pub for a chat. We aren't women and interested in talking about other people or whatever shit you find interesting. We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

And now he's sulking and looking at his phone. He is so unattractive to me. I feel like he's 14 years old not 44. As if men don't go to the pub for a chat and a couple of pints? Hes ridiculous isn't he? Or should i just stay out of it?

Has he been watching some Andrew Tate bullshit, and now thinks he’s some sort of Alpha caveman!!
He sounds like an absolute wet wipe to me!
Sounds like you are doing so much on your own already, you would probably find single life much easier too!
Make sure your sons realise this is not how ‘decent’ husbands and fathers behave.

Nothing more pathetic than a middle-aged Peter Pan who refuses to grow up.

OK, well yes we talk but about films and concepts and ideas, not whatever you and you mates talk about over a couple of glasses of wine

What a dick 🙄

I just couldn't let these types of sexist comments go unchallenged

No OP tell us more! Sounds like you’ve been carrying the weight of the family for far too long, holding it in, whilst his used you as a human punching bag. His definitely being self centred- is that common of him? In response to leaving him, I would be considering it too if I was with a grown man crying that he can’t go out with his friends until the break of dawn. Nothing good happens past 2 am. What does he normally do out so late? Honestly, from what you have said I think it’ll be easier without him. He seems to be taking more than he is giving. And he will pass on his bad habits to the kids. I do wonder though: is he going through something? Might he be a bit embarrassed that he has no one to go out with? I know I used to feel mortified when all my friends would cancel plans. Thought my partner would see me as such a loser for some reason. But this was when I was younger of course. But definitely sounds like his grieving his old life. Do try give him time. If not, you will need to have a serious talk with him. Good luck!

I do quite often think about leaving him. I really worry about how that wpild work though. He's not reliable. I work full time. The logistics of it all feel impossible

You get organised (in your head) as a single parent with no help at all. You dint take him into account into any of your plans (like he could have them Thursday evening so I can work later that day). It’s manageable. Maybe not great but would it be that different than the current set up if you both work full time?

He doesn’t have to be reliable. And he doesn’t get to tell you what your life should be like because he somehow ‘holds all the cards’ abd it would be ‘impossible wo him’. It is possible wo him! Life and happiness is possible wo him.

"Concepts & ideas" = flat earth theories, ancient aliens, pyramids, Andrew Tate are amongst the usuals for this type 😂

Also times are changing, I don't drink at all but it's up to others if they do, I have four grown up kids 33,31,23 and 21 they hardly drink, occasionally they might have a big night out but perhaps 2/3 times a year, they still all socialise a lot but drinking not a big part of it. No one wants the hangover or to loose part of the weekend feeling ill.

It's really puzzling where he's got that opinion from, it's not based in reality. Men very much do go to the pub and chat, it's the absolute foundation of the traditional male social life! Every man I know enjoys doing this, even the ones that don't drink. Such a weird opinion

They discuss the gold standard and women talk about knitting and kittens.

Maybe its the wording? Think they feel "chat" is feminine so they "discuss" or "chew the fat".
Same as they (some men)prefer Chef over Cook and Janitor over Cleaner

He's full of self pity because I socialise and he doesn't. And he's taking it out on me and making me feel like my social life is pathetic because I hang out with women and I'm home at 10pm.

Misery loves company. Don't let him drag you and the kids down.

WOMEN- KNOW YOUR LIMITS!

If you're feeling particularly obnoxious, borrow some books on philosophy, politics etc and then take a selfie of you all reading them next time you go out with your friends.

Funnily enough, I (male, 40s) have actually talked about the gold standard (and the closely-related Bretton Woods system) in the pub, when I was in my twenties.

But that was because my Economics tutor hated the seminar room she had been given, and we hated the idea of a Friday 4pm class, so we had the seminar at the pub every week.

Now, I would probably talk about knitting and kittens because my friends and I have discussed international monetary systems to death ever since crypto became a thing.

This sounds about right.

Oh look, he thinks he fecking Peter pan

He sounds like he might be a dickhead?

I really really don't want my sons to think this is how a man behaves though. Doesn't pay his way. Wants to party till 5am. Sulks. Games all day. And hates women

Surely this is a reason to leave (or make him leave) as this is no way to live.

Even if he is unreliable, put other plans in place. It's got to be better than the life you're leading now

OP I agree that it sounds like he might have gone down some weird internet rabbit hole. You really don’t need to live like this, he’s adding nothing to your life. You sound very well organised (dream job, paid off credit card, happy children).

For yours and for their sakes, time to quietly get your ducks in a row. Then sit him down, explain why his behaviour is unacceptable and give him the choice- grow up or get lost.

It is stressful but doable, I call my ex the “unknown variable” as I never quite know what I’m going to get with him!!

I’d call him ‘box of chocolates’ if I were you!

Pathetic man child OP. Make your mind up if you want a life of misery.

But that’s what you are already dealing with…he’s already useless.

At least you won’t have this lump in your house, or your bed.

How old are the children? As this makes a big difference.

I have a relative that is in his 50s and has grown up children. I often to see pictures of him on social media hanging out with 20-30 year olds in bars , he doesn't look like a happy man. This is the future for anyone that refuses to grow up.