My H is being ridiculous isn't he?

[SoftPlayAllDay]

My H is in his mid 40s. He's been very down for a long time, distracted, always mumbling to himself. He used to be a bit of a party boy.

His friends no longer want to go out out and get v drunk (until 5am type nights) and his friends keep saying no to his suggestions.

he was saying how annoyed he feels he never goes out anymore. And saying he's sad as he's losing his mates and just is at home the whole time.

I suggested he was going to have to change his mindset and instead just see his friends for a few pints and then come home a bit earlier and just have a "chat and a catch up but nothing messy"

He just had such a go at me. Saying "that's a woman's idea of a good time. Men do not go to the pub for a chat. We aren't women and interested in talking about other people or whatever shit you find interesting. We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

And now he's sulking and looking at his phone. He is so unattractive to me. I feel like he's 14 years old not 44. As if men don't go to the pub for a chat and a couple of pints? Hes ridiculous isn't he? Or should i just stay out of it?

He's a roller coaster. He woke up and ignored me, fine. The fight last night was atrocious and so nasty

And then 15 mins ago he just suddenly cornered me in the bedroom, told me he'd emailed a relationship counsillor and he was going to fix things, and then he started telling me how slim and amazing I look at the moment and tried to have sex (our v young kids watching tv downstairs). I said no and he was like "OK I just love you so much". He keeps trying to touch me everywhere while im tryign to do laundry. It's worse than the frostyness!!

With all the love in the world he’s abusive and you need to leave.

I sense the script here. Blaming the OP for the state of their marriage when it's him who's the abusive twat. You need to get it out OP.

He's grasping onto his youth and he's got no one to grasp on with him. He will end up that weird old bloke going to nightclubs on his own. He's jealous that you have a social life hence why he's making out it's rubbish.

He needs to grow up.

100% he is mentally unstable

You need to get out, he is unstable and abusive. You and your boys deserve better.

OP, your marriage is over and you now need to stop focusing on trying to understand him and focus on your children and how the future is going to look like.
Who can you rely om?
What age are the children.
Talk to family and friends.
Housing?
Finances?

Start making a plan.
Tell him see someone on his own.
You don't have to do anything today, but you can start planning.

Don't waste your future on him.

He is abusive and unstable.
Take it very seriously.
Talk to Women's aid for advice and support.

Do not be forced into sex, that would be coercive and rape.

Oh and any threats to self harm, the go to of abusive men whom feel control slipping, is police business.
Ring the police and ask them for support.

His comments this morning? He fancied a shag. That's it.

I don’t think you’re safe.

Do you know what that never actually crossed my mind with regard to suicide but I think you’re right. My ex used to say the same sorts of things to me but pretend he had almost had sexual encounters with all these women that were so much prettier/younger/better than me but because he was so faithful 🙄 and I was so lucky to have him because he stopped himself and I should have been grateful for his abuse because he was so wanted and I wasn’t was the general gist. I was just explaining my thought process when I read that comment, and I think I was definitely projecting my own experiences there so apologies for that OP. I still think he’s a waste of time and you’re better off without him and his emotionally abusive ways. Good luck.

Since he thinks men are so wonderful and women so crap, maybe he almost met a wonderful new man that day he sulked off out of the house….
Seriously @SoftPlayAllDay definitely sounds like you’d be a million times happier if you dumped his sorry self.

This personality flip from last night and cornering you in the bedroom adds to my concern that he's having an episode that could turn nasty and needs expert help.

Saying all the 'right' things about counselling, fixing it, complimenting you, touching you, I love you so much ... It's called love bombing and hoovering and is intended to suck you back into your box.

And it was done with one thing only in mind - getting laid, because that's what he wanted at that moment.

Does he see you as a domestic appliance whose function is to centre and serve him in other areas of life, too?

Agreed.

Oh my god @MusicMakesItAllBetter that is horrendous and so scary. Hope it wasn't too long until you left him.

He will be using the threats of suicide as a way to control you .
And when that didn't get the response he wanted he is now using the i love you so much we can work it out plan.
Both are just his way of controlling you and at the same time blaming you for anything and everything.
He obviously needs help. But it's not your job to get him that help or be treated like rubbish till he does sort himself.

I also experienced the rollercoaster of “you’re the reason my life is so miserable, you ruined everything” to “if you leave me I will KMS and it will be your fault.” And added “I love you so much, give me sex now, this will fix things.”

There’s absolutely no fixing an abusive man while you are together. You need to take yourself and your children to safety while he works on himself, by himself. He needs serious mental health intervention and I would advise if he threatens any kind of violence, even to himself, you contact the police.

The way he is speaking to you is not excusable by any MH disorder or difficulty, it is abuse. There is no excuse. You are not responsible for him abusing you. Do not let this be the example for your children. If he is behaving this way due to serious MH issue then he needs to find immediate help and be honest that he is abusing you in this way. This doesn’t mean couples therapy, it’s way beyond that.

Feeling terrified is understandable darling. This is possibly the biggest thing to ever have to go through for you.

Only you can decide whether you stay with him and give the relationship another chance but with support; counselling for both of you perhaps.
You said you don't like him most of the time; if his attitude towards you and women did improve.... Could you grow to like him do you think? Or is it past that now?
The stuff you've said on here, I'd be surprised if you can grow together moving forward, for the now at least.

He needs to work on himself MASSIVELY, maybe a break up will do him good. Don't call time on the marriage (unless that's what you decide) but he has to leave the home to sort his priorities out because him being there will do nothing for you in feeling better about him. The post today about him wanting a quick shag.... Fuck sake lol 🙄🤷🏼‍♀️

Being a single mum is a lot better than being in a partnership where you're the only active partner.

You can do this x

And that's why he's an ex xx
Well done you for getting out

Well, he's wrong about men not going out for a chat. Late DH was an outreach youth worker at one point and taught the young men he worked with how to stay sober and have a good time when out together. By forty your H should know how to do this and not expect a 'lad's night out' - not saying late DH never did such a thing (occasionally brought home at 3 a.m. when 75 - by DSS and friends) but normally not. You drink session pints (3.5 ABV) and talk about whatever you are all interested in: politics, sport, your dogs, sex etc, which all men talk about. He needs to grow up - like his friends.

Conspiracy theories too, and Trump.

See, and herein lies the issue with your H (I feel), back in the day we did a lot of recreational drugs for kicks. When we stopped, our relationship went down.
All of that takes its toll on the brain.
If your H has a past like mine then his brain cells will be fried and he possibly has experienced the massive emotional come down that is, the party has finished, everyone's moved on and life has become serious. A wife, a job, kids. No more 'fun'. No more 'escapism', no more 'freedom'. Getting off your nut takes away the reality of life, and so a kind of depression comes into play. When the party stops, how do you escape from the real world?

The party's over.
I struggled with it during my second pregnancy. Couldn't have the 'greatest' 40th birthday party experience that I wanted because I was pregnant and couldn't get off my face which is what I really wanted to do as I loved to party hard so I actually loathed being pregnant and having this thing growing inside me and then I despised myself for feeling that way and hated myself as much as I hated being pregnant. I knew I was lucky to have another child but took hot baths and thought bad things like dropping down the stairs and crashing my car. I do live with mental health issues though but deep down I hated the fact that I couldn't get high!!
I still think about drugs daily (I did them a lot for years, 16-39 moreso in my twenties and thirties) but I know it's shit (coke) and I don't enjoy it so I don't do it, besides the cost. E's on the other hand, I loved them and I have taken one at a day rave, in halves because I didn't want to die lol 🤭 I rarely drink nowadays and the one I enjoy they've taken away (Lidl mojito slush pouches).

Back to you. Sorry.
Your sitch is different because of his behaviour towards you and you have the DC to think of.
We (mums) lead by example, we show our children how to be and if it can't be done in a partnership, then we do it alone because they cannot live and learn behaviour from someone like him.

Sending you a big hug.

Or I could be completely wrong and he hasn't done drugs/been a party boy for years 🤷🏼‍♀️

@MusicMakesItAllBetter oh you are spot on. We certainly knew how to have a good time together. Only one of us has moved on though. I love my friends but am v happy with wine and dinner these days.