My H is being ridiculous isn't he?

[SoftPlayAllDay]

My H is in his mid 40s. He's been very down for a long time, distracted, always mumbling to himself. He used to be a bit of a party boy.

His friends no longer want to go out out and get v drunk (until 5am type nights) and his friends keep saying no to his suggestions.

he was saying how annoyed he feels he never goes out anymore. And saying he's sad as he's losing his mates and just is at home the whole time.

I suggested he was going to have to change his mindset and instead just see his friends for a few pints and then come home a bit earlier and just have a "chat and a catch up but nothing messy"

He just had such a go at me. Saying "that's a woman's idea of a good time. Men do not go to the pub for a chat. We aren't women and interested in talking about other people or whatever shit you find interesting. We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

And now he's sulking and looking at his phone. He is so unattractive to me. I feel like he's 14 years old not 44. As if men don't go to the pub for a chat and a couple of pints? Hes ridiculous isn't he? Or should i just stay out of it?

dear @SoftPlayAllDay

you're in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Start, very seriously, looking at things from that perspective.
There's much help out there: start with Mr Google.
@AlAnon exists as support for partners of alcoholics
but also seek support locally, try your GP - tell them you're in a rel'ship with an alcoholic & about the affect it's having on your life.
It's a hard road.

Good luck, love, & blessings.

He can go out with my partner if he likes, he's a 39 year old man who is fond of drinking until 4am.
Grim.
Films concepts and ideas indeed 😆

Think he’s going through adolescence - don’t engage.

I think the 5am finishes are mental at 44. !!!
Most Men/ Women don’t enjoy that at that age anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️..
That’s not a boring opinion, that’s a Fact …

I'm going through the exact same thing with my DH and it is SO boring listening to him whinge like a child and has started to give me the ick now as it had gone on for so long and his behaviour is ridiculous. He has just been diagnosed with ADHD so wondering if it's something to do with that, or maybe your DH doesn't like change? One thing I do think with my DH, he doesn't have much confidence and I have always felt he needs his friends "approval" and banter to make light of real grown up life

If they enjoy it then what does it matter that they are pushing 60? Not everybody is content to sit at home.

Coke and copious amounts of drink at 60 is definitely pushing your luck.
Pure heart attack material!

Not everyone who likes caning it now and then is an alcoholic. Sounds more like he wants to recapture youth than anything else. A fortysomething man wanting to act like he's a student off the leash for the first time is pathetic but it doesn't have to mean an addiction. An alcoholic would just drink until 5am while home alone.

What do you and DH talk about, OP? His reference to "whatever shit you find interesting" doesn't make it sound as if he has much interest in you.

They’ve been at it for 30 years. Storing up health problems.

Yes and All in silence 😂

I see many groups of men all different ages sitting in the pub having a chat and a pint.

My biggest concern would be his influence over the boys as they grow up.
If you split, do you think he would actually want/continue contact with them, then being free to be a 'party boy'?

I think your boys would be better off not living with someone like him. I think you would be better off nowhere near him!

He's 100% not an alcoholic. I drink more than him. He never drinks at home. He only drinks with his mates and he goes out v rarely. I'm not complaining about the amount he goes out, I'm fed up of being shouted at when I'm trying to help him with stuff. His lack of friends or purpose gets him down but he is stuck in a victim mentality and I'm his punching bag quite often. He is stuck in the past.

I worry about his MH if I leave. Not because I think my job is to look after him but because I worry for the kids. He is an unhappy man really.

It's the misogyny that I can't stand. Even today he made some remark about boys being deeper thinkers. I feel so stupid I didn't see it before or ignored it as joking around.

Well, nothing happens. Unfortunately your sons learn that he's a sad, unreliable git. Probably they drift away from him. You don't have to manage him, you just get to enjoy life without him.

Even today he made some remark about boys being deeper thinkers.

Wow. Such deep thinkers that, according to him, they apparently can't maintain a conversation with each other and just bury themselves in a pint of beer.

Honestly, the shit he comes out with. Men know how to have a good time. Men are deep thinkers. Men have good taste in films/music etc. Men are less emotional, more measured. Women are mad.

I keep thinking his shitty opinions don't matter - just keep the peace, the kids are happy, he does help out with things, he doesn't cheat or lie. But it's so hard to live with someone where there is so little respect. Either way.

@SoftPlayAllDay are you happy in your marriage? Is this genuinely the life you want for yourself and the example you want to set for your sons? I can’t imagine there is much care, intimacy or trust when he is so rude and disrespectful. I understand it might seem easier to just get on with it but every comment, every put down, every dig will eat away at your confidence, your strength and your enjoyment of life - is it really what you want?

I remember dh once going through a bit of a phase of similar.
I think they suddenly feel
Like they're aging and it frightens them sometimes.

He was going out probably once a month with a few mates and getting absolutely hammered.

I let him get on with it and when he was grumpy with a hangover told him that's what happens when you've got no self control and feel the need to be a dick.

After probably the third time and getting a call and woken up at 5 am on a work day to pick him up because he couldn't get home I didn't pick him up and we had a drunken conversation In the car how he was behaving like an absolute cock and needed to grow up or fuck off because I wasn't going to tolerate it again.

I went to work that day and didn't reply to any messages he sent all day other than once to tell him I was really really pissed off he had crossed a line and been really thoughtless and disrespectful and I wasn't joking when I said that if he wanted to carry on like it he needed to fuck off because he was giving me the ick

It took me a good few days to actually be able to have a normal conversation with him I was so angry as it also felt like he was saying we were boring etc etc.

When I pointed that out he realised and apologised and it's never happened again op.

Mine has always had a hobby thank god. So he gets his man time doing that. But it's a physically tiring hobby. No way could they stay up until 5am boozing ever.

Can you gently usher in a few new options that you would enjoy, that are family friendly and that DH might grow to appreciate?

• Invite two of DH mates and their families over for a BBQ. Would your husband enjoy cooking and getting to know his mate's kids?
• Take a daytime excursion to the beach or a forest with a picnic and invite one of his mate's families.
• For your birthday go out with a couple of your friends and a mate of his and their families to a child friendly pub.
• Have a card night with DH friends over to yours.

Keep going out socially, as you do; but also mix in a few family friendly adult type outings in the hope that DH grows up.

That's what got me shouted at....suggesting there are other ways to socialise other than partying till 5am. He is convinced he has no friends and just won't listen to me that perhaps he needs to change the way he socialises now everyone has kids. In fact- it is quite clear not only are my suggestions unwelcome but I also have no understanding of how wild and hilarious men are.

I totally agree with your suggestions! But unfortunately H not interested

Let's remember misogyny is hate. He's not making silly jokes or stupid remarks, this is hate speech. I could never get past this, personally, and I appreciate other PPs giving advice and tips (family activities, etc.) but I would not even entertain that. I would leave and tell him clearly why, and I'd make a point to raise my boys explicitly telling them that misogyny is a horrible trait that has consequences. I also think misogyny should be class as a hate crime and I cannot wait until the day it is finally prosecuted as such! I am terrified for my children growing up in a world where it is normalised like it is now.

He is behaving like a dick. Is this new or has he always had this trait? It’s not on to use you as a verbal/emotional punchbag and the misogyny is way out of order too. Can he tell you why he’s with you, if women are so superficial and unintelligent?