My H is being ridiculous isn't he?

[SoftPlayAllDay]

My H is in his mid 40s. He's been very down for a long time, distracted, always mumbling to himself. He used to be a bit of a party boy.

His friends no longer want to go out out and get v drunk (until 5am type nights) and his friends keep saying no to his suggestions.

he was saying how annoyed he feels he never goes out anymore. And saying he's sad as he's losing his mates and just is at home the whole time.

I suggested he was going to have to change his mindset and instead just see his friends for a few pints and then come home a bit earlier and just have a "chat and a catch up but nothing messy"

He just had such a go at me. Saying "that's a woman's idea of a good time. Men do not go to the pub for a chat. We aren't women and interested in talking about other people or whatever shit you find interesting. We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

And now he's sulking and looking at his phone. He is so unattractive to me. I feel like he's 14 years old not 44. As if men don't go to the pub for a chat and a couple of pints? Hes ridiculous isn't he? Or should i just stay out of it?

Tbh after this update I'd consider separation. Life is too short to spend it in close proximity to a man like this.

Seriously, life is too short to waste it with this loser.

That's what I did when I knew the sight (and smell!!!!) of DP hungover on the couch all day would enrage me while I ran around doing everything (and no this wasn't a one off / take turns situation where I'd get to have a day hungover on the couch the following week, it was only ever him and far too often) - i would take the kids out all day for a lovely day and treat myself to nice food etc!

He's being silly and his comment was uncalled for.
I do think we all get the point where we're either the friend who doesn't want to go out for long or the friend who does.
I had drinks with my work friends last night. We got to the bar around 4.30 and I left around 7. When the queues get massive and the music gets so loud we're all shouting over eachother I just lose interest and want to go home. Plus I'd rather go get the bus rather than wait for a taxi later in the night. They all call me the boring one but to be honest I'm pretty happy to be the boring one. I enjoy a glass of wine in the house with DH or over dinner with friends but my party girl days were left behind in my 20s.

Until 5am - om a regular basis?
how many years did you put up with that?

sounds like it's time to move on and leave him to grow up.

“OK, well yes we talk but about films and concepts and ideas, not whatever you and you mates talk about over a couple of glasses of wine"
ahahahaha, men who talk about films are AWFUL. What they mean is they quote Anchorman and The Godfather back and forth at each other for hours. I won’t even touch “concepts and ideas” (AHAHAHAHAHA) as I fear you’ll lose all love, respect and horniness for him.

Your partner wants the sort of night out that even 'the lads' have outgrown. That's not a good sign at all.

What a Prince 🙄

I can see why you're still with him, OP 😪

Jeez he sounds worse with each update. Does he bring anything positive to your life OP??

@SoftPlayAllDay

What does he actually add to your life? Also, do you find yourself cringing at the things he says within your sons' hearing? Because he's certainly got some misogynistic ideas on 'what women are like'.

I'm not saying LTB 'right now!', I'm saying it's time to 'reevaluate'. Is this what you want to live with/put up with for the next 20/30/40/50 years of your life? Is his behaviour what you want your sons to model?

Aging frat boys are poor partners.

He's stuck back in his late partying teens when everybody else has moved on and grown up years ago including you. Sorry, but go out and have a drink or two then go home is what normal adults do. They don't stay out until 5am at a moment's notice.

His friends have outgrown him and it sounds like you have too. If he treats you poorly on the weekends because he can't find anyone to go party with and he's gone mosogynistic, dump him.

Yep and I'm guessing you don't mean coca cola.

My OH went through a similar stage, although no having ago at me or sulking. He just realised life had moved to a different phase and he wasn’t a young adult anymore, but an old one!

He now loves a couple of pints on a Friday and being home by 10pm. If your H can’t adjust to his friends, he’ll risk losing them completely. No one wants to be pestered by their friend all night by trying to turn a few pints into a 5am situation - it’s tiring to listen to. I had a friend like this when I had my first child, I hated meeting up with her, she just didn’t want the night to end and I was desperate to get home.

OP, just stay out of it and let him sulk. Time catches up with us all and we adapt accordingly, he is no exception, unless he wants to be like Wayne Lineker?

Genuinely what is the point of staying with him?

He just had such a go at me. Saying "that's a woman's idea of a good time. Men do not go to the pub for a chat. We aren't women and interested in talking about other people or whatever shit you find interesting. We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

What a sexist, boorish and plain stupid twat. How does he square his statement about what men want to do for a good time with the fact that his friends actually DON'T want to do that?

Or would you not dare make that point?

Ok, so his options are:
a) never go out and lose all his friends
b) go out with his friends and do what they want to do
c) find some laddddddddds in their 20s at work to go out with (they'll happily take him along then take the piss out of him behind his back)
d) get some help

THIS

Let him throw his toys out the pram. Eventually I reckon he will try to blame you for his social life, or lack thereof. Just ignore him, don’t give him attention. Then he will realise the grass isn’t greener.

He's in such a sulk. He made himself lunch (no offer to me or DC) and he's gone to the attic to play computer games all afternoon. He even slammed the door on the way out of the kitchen. He's punishing me for merely suggesting his mates do still like him but maybe don't want to go out to 5am anymore.

I do quite often think about leaving him. I really worry about how that wpild work though. He's not reliable. I work full time. The logistics of it all feel impossible

I really really don't want my sons to think this is how a man behaves though. Doesn't pay his way. Wants to party till 5am. Sulks. Games all day. And hates women

I mean I'm embarrassed to write all that down because I mean what the fuck am I doing but all those things are true!

How would him being unreliable affect you if you split up?

It's oftentimes easier to do it alone when you are actually alone than do it alone because the other adult there isn't sharing the load.

We had a night in last night, several 40 somethings, mixed group. 8 hours of drinking and talking. Ok it was 4am when they went home and we were all messy, but all we did was bloody talk!

What do they do on their nights out if they don’t talk?

If he is a twat to his friends, they probably are all still doing those nights out and just say no when he asks. He has been ghosted by them.

However leaving him would work, it has to work better than THIS. Your happiness and having a crumb of respect is much more important. Tell him you’re not having it and if he wants to sulk like a baby he can go live with his mummy, or anywhere else.

@Nowvoyager99 what happens if he doesn't show for pickup or for his weekend or something? At the moment he does help out a bit albeit miserably. Him as a depressed, unreliable, self pitying "Co parent" sounds totally unmanageable to me.