My H is being ridiculous isn't he?

[SoftPlayAllDay]

My H is in his mid 40s. He's been very down for a long time, distracted, always mumbling to himself. He used to be a bit of a party boy.

His friends no longer want to go out out and get v drunk (until 5am type nights) and his friends keep saying no to his suggestions.

he was saying how annoyed he feels he never goes out anymore. And saying he's sad as he's losing his mates and just is at home the whole time.

I suggested he was going to have to change his mindset and instead just see his friends for a few pints and then come home a bit earlier and just have a "chat and a catch up but nothing messy"

He just had such a go at me. Saying "that's a woman's idea of a good time. Men do not go to the pub for a chat. We aren't women and interested in talking about other people or whatever shit you find interesting. We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

And now he's sulking and looking at his phone. He is so unattractive to me. I feel like he's 14 years old not 44. As if men don't go to the pub for a chat and a couple of pints? Hes ridiculous isn't he? Or should i just stay out of it?

He needs to grow up and find a hobby, men do have them too even if he thinks not. Could it be social anxiety and him only feeling he can have a good time when really drunk? If that's it he could try CBT and also the more he gets out and does stuff without alcohol the easier it will be. That's on him though not you and given the attitude he has about what men do I would guess he would also think they shouldn't talk about their feelings.

as someone who has worked in pubs on and off for years

men go to the pub for a pint and a chat
men got to the pub to stare in the fire and contemplate
men go to the pub alone and chat to the bar staff
men like going to the pub as its sociable
pubs exist due to men going to the pub and drinking in some places

He just had such a go at me. Saying "that's a woman's idea of a good time. Men do not go to the pub for a chat. We aren't women and interested in talking about other people or whatever shit you find interesting. We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"

taking it out on you
he is a bit miffed he is getting old and no one wants to come out to play anymore...

He is being ridiculous, but also illogical. He's stating categorically what men like to do; but can't find any men who want to do the stuff that he claims men want to do.

"We want to go out for a proper good time and night out. Not for a fucking chat"
Obviously not coz his friends don't want to go out with him for his idea of a night out LOL 🤣

He sounds lovely.

Reading between the lines, he wants to stay up all night snorting coke in someone's kitchen and everyone fighting to tell their really important, funny, life changing story all at once. But he's got his knickers in a twist because his mates have grown out of it. What a twat.
Maybe put on a mocking voice and be like "aww don't the boys want to play any more" then laugh in his face whileyou files for divorce

Does he work with younger people who are still going out, that he’s maybe jealous of?

It sounds like his mates don't want to go out with him.

Can't think why.🙄

Do you ever go out together? (can't see why you'd want to, but I thought I'd ask!)

So those nights he was out til 5am, I'm guessing he did no active parenting the next day?

This! (Oh I quoted the he's being illogical post but it didn't quote).

But also, I don't think he's necessarily wrong for feeling that frustration. He is very wrong for making sich sweeping generalisations and taking it out on you though!

I still like to go out and party (go to gigs, have a few beers, listen to loud music and dance). I'm going out this evening to do exactly that. There will be 6 of us going and I'm the youngest by 12 years. The others are in their 60s. All professionals or retired professionals, all still in their 70s band t shirts, still in their DMs and still with their mohicans. But I'm also just as happy to only do it a couple of times a month nowadays (I'm 50).

I sometimes go to a punk/goth night. There's no one under 50 there! I go to gigs where a significant minority are on sticks and where being a skin head is a life stage rather than a statement. The mosh pits are more sedate nowadays and many of the band members are in or approaching their 80s.

He doesn't need to 'grow up' if that means not enjoying what he likes to do anymore.

But he does need to stop taking it out on you!

If he wants to still go out and party, there's nothing stopping him and he'll meet plenty of people (his age and older) along the way to do it with.

He just needs to make some new friends to do this with.

Oh and the men certainly also like to go to the pub for a couple of beers and a chat! As do the women.

I'm a man in my late forties and the very politest I could manage would be to inwardly snigger and roll my eyes at this sort of attitude. If it was someone I cared about, I'd be having stronger words.

The last time I went out with my friends here's what we did:

• talked about the kids' weird homework projects;
• discussed recent holidays and what we found interesting about the food there;
• exchanged ideas on how to replicate that food at home;
• discussed US politics and the implications for the UK;
• gossiped about a rumoured affair within our kids' school staff room;
• compared notes on our mortgages, energy bills, savings and investments;
• estimated the number of pebbles in the beer garden at the pub using pen and paper only, no calculators or measuring devices.

That covered two pints for some and three for others. We left the pub at about 5.30pm to go home to our families.

I wonder if it's just not just that OP's DH is resisting growing up, as some have suggested, but that he feels he is losing his identity. Most men I know are aware that how they define themselves changes over time. The ones that still cling on to the teens and twenties versions of themselves either never had those lives then (often being excluded from groups because of social ineptitude) and still find it something to aspire to, or they have never had to move into a new identity - usually because they've never actually had to take on the mid-life responsibilities the rest of us just get on and deal with.

He's very immature and sexist. Does he do coke or have a drinking problem? Most people I know who want to live it large in their 40s are alcoholics.

How can he afford it when he has a family? Where I live it costs a small fortune to buy a round, never mind drink your own body weight.

I'd be tempted to tell him to fuck off to the pub and come back when he's grown up.

Hence he's the one sat at home moaning while there's every possibility that his ex friends are sat in the pub having a good ol' chin wag enjoying their evening before returning home at a reasonable time.

His immaturity would give me the ick! Of course all his mates are giving him a wide berth - they probably think he's an idiot and trying to relive his youth! 🙄

I would actually be challenging him over his misogynistic comments as that's not on!

He also needs to think about the concept of growing up. When you're single, then fair enough go out til 5am and get wasted. When you make the choice to take on the responsibility of having kids and a relationship, then things change and you have to consider the impact of your actions on other people.

If his only idea of fun is staying out til 5am and getting wasted, then that suggests he is seriously boring.

I'd suggest if going out until 5am and getting drunk is more important than his wife and kids then he needs to move out and move on.

OP you need to give this alot of thought and have a discussion with him about how your future is going to look.
My dad is nearly 80 years old, yes 80! And still has this mindset.
Not to the extreme of your husband wanting to be out until 5am, but does go day drinking and will drink about 10 pints of Guinness and be paralytic drunk on a weekly basis- even now.
My entire childhood was dominated by his drinking and drunken behaviour (he never drunk at home, he went out 2/3 times a week but would binge drink)
Because he would come home and a decent hour as had been out all day I would still be up as a young child to see his disgraceful behaviour. He would also very often turn nasty as soon as he was home.
He also thought Xmas day was about being in the pub and again our family had to deal with him being drunk at the dinner table when we were trying to eat Xmas dinner.
Even now at 80 years old he goes out 3 times a week with men ranging from 60-90 years old , and he still drinks large quantities and my mum still has to deal with it. I was able to leave home at 21 because of it but she's trapped.
He won't even take his prescribed medications as they all say you shouldn't drink with them .
He says everyone else is boring and can't understand why my husband and I never want to go out drinking. Both of us are tee total and I am because of him and what I've seen.
His wanting to socialise all the time has dominated our family
Do not allow your husband to do this to yours

Tell him you've heard that his friends do still go on really big nights out without him. Because they don't like him, and as you don't want to fly in the face of popular opinion, you've decided you don't like him either.

Your husband is very immature. At his age most have settled down and have growing children which I am sure is the case for the majority of his friends who are no longer up for going out on the lash.

I wouldn't put up with his childish, sulking behaviour.

He's just a massive fucking babyish twat

VERY unsexy

He's talking utter bollocks, and to me that would make him extremely unattractive.

He seems stuck in a time warp and thinks he is still 18! What an arse! If he carries on like this with his immature sulking I would probably be rethinking the relationship.

In truth he treats his friends like shit too to be honest. He ignores them for months and then randomly messages at 9pm and sulks when they're aren't free!

He's miserable. Hates his job. Feels he's got no friends. But he puts zero effort in to anything. Like a teenage boy who thinks only losers try at stuff.

I've never felt happier. Loads of mates. Dream job. Paid off my credit card. Kids are happy. Just my H is totally the opposite and every weekend he takes it out on me. I wish Monday wpild come round quicker.

Make sure that you have plenty of stuff planned for yourself and the children each weekend. Then you will limit your exposure to misery guts.

Maybe after a while tell him that he could occasionally tag along, but if all he does is whinge and hang around with a cat's bum face then he can go home. You won't put up with this shit.

Why are you still with him OP? Are you playing the long game and waiting for a good time to leave?