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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Volunteering got complicated …..

414 replies

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:00

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
murasaki · 22/02/2025 00:02

I wouldn't be listening to what the cheater has to say re continuing to volunteer. He has no say in this. He created the situation.

And I'd be thinking about leaving him too.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/02/2025 00:05

I think your involvement with this charity is over. I’m not sure how significant its work is if one person resigning would terminate it.

It sounds a bit shit, TBH. Walk away, and ask yourself whether you think you might have to do the same with the ‘other parties ‘ involved.

xxx💐

DorothyStorm · 22/02/2025 00:07

Why are you not leaving your husband?

and are you now taking it further, presenting evidence?

JustJoinedRightNow · 22/02/2025 00:13

Why should your cheating DH get a say in how you spend your free time? He's taking you for a mug OP.

Don't let him guilt you about the closure of the charity. If it means that much to him that it carries on then suggest he and OW leave and you carry on in the role. See how that goes down with him. I'm guessing not well.

LaineyCee · 22/02/2025 00:13

Clearly you are deeply committed to the aims of this charity, but there still be other charities, doing similar work, where you can make a contribution without dealing with all this aggro.

Husband is a manipulative lowlife. You deserve much better.

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

Mnetcurious · 22/02/2025 00:14

I want to stop volunteering… my DH says I should carry on

Well this is a situation that has arisen due to your husband’s bad behaviour, so he does not get a say in it. What you choose to do with your spare time is entirely your decision, and stopping sounds sensible to me.

I would also think seriously about whether you want your marriage to continue.

Theunamedcat · 22/02/2025 00:17

Why is your DH involved I'm this decision? How is she allowed to continue to be involved considering her behaviour? It all sounds messy

CurlsLDN · 22/02/2025 00:18

It’s a shame that your cheating husbands actions may lead to the end of the charity, but his decisions have consequences and that could be one of them.

but to be clear, that is a consequence of his terrible behaviour NOT you responding to the mess he has created and doing what you need to do to protect yourself from it. You did not start this, so please don’t feel any misplaced guilt for looking after yourself

Vaxtable · 22/02/2025 00:18

I would report the other women anyway you gave nothing to lose now

Then I would think about leaving the charity and the husband

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/02/2025 00:19

Well when you have your interview re sanctions then surely that is the time to fully disclose the reasons?
TBH Id go through with the meeting and then resign. What are you going to do about your marriage though?

BubbleGumSplit · 22/02/2025 00:24

So now you launch a complaint about the OW behaviour and the affair with all your evidence so everyones clear on whats hapoened here and why and then you resign and let the charity close. You don't need to put up with any of this any longer

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:29

I’m sorry but you can’t ‘report’ someone to a business/ charity for having an affair. She can do what the fuck she likes. So can your husband. So can you. Leave him obviously. Stop trying to make her the baddie here

Never2many · 22/02/2025 00:30

People are so focussed on what your husband has done that they aren’t focussing on what you have done, which is essentially what you’re writing about.

However anger led your motivation was, you absolutely were in the wrong for sending her threats. Because that’s what you’ve done.

Whatever they have done, and nobody is condoning that, you lost the high ground when you sent her threats to intimidate her to not attend the meeting.

The organisation don’t need to be involved in your marriage issues. Those are between you and your DH, and your wanting to quit volunteering is your decision.

SerenStarEtoile · 22/02/2025 00:44

Hi OP

I am a little concerned about how the charity have conducted themselves and wonder if you have looked at their Disciplinary Policy - which they are required to have. Who adjudicated? If it was a panel. were they properly constituted? All sorts of questions.

I imagine a standard policy is available via the Charity Commission so perhaps look there first.

By her previous actions (where people were noticing how off she was) , I think that it could be a case of her bullying/harassing you.

Are you able to Appeal this decision? Or make a Grievance against her? I’d certainly give it a go, and then hopefully the bitch will get her just desserts.

friendlycat · 22/02/2025 00:47

Well if you want to stop volunteering for this charity I would do exactly that.

Nameftgigb · 22/02/2025 00:51

So you husband had an affair by fucking another women for years, you stayed with him, and now you want to ruin the woman’s life to make yourself feel better?

Original poster
MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:54

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

I think bullying is a bit excessive. She has been verbally attacking me, I didn’t want this to escalate in person. My ‘threat’ was to follow the complaints process.

OP posts:
Original poster
MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:56

Nameftgigb · 22/02/2025 00:51

So you husband had an affair by fucking another women for years, you stayed with him, and now you want to ruin the woman’s life to make yourself feel better?

In what way am I ruining the OW life?!

OP posts:
Devianinc · 22/02/2025 00:57

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:00

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

Do what makes you happy. He’s probably been talking crap about you anyway and she probably spreads that info about. The collapse of the charity is bc of their indiscretion. Not you. Move on and make you happy. God, it doesn’t end with these men doing horrible things to the female race.

PsychoHotSauce · 22/02/2025 01:06

LaineyCee · 22/02/2025 00:13

Clearly you are deeply committed to the aims of this charity, but there still be other charities, doing similar work, where you can make a contribution without dealing with all this aggro.

Husband is a manipulative lowlife. You deserve much better.

Fuck this. If a charity volunteer is breaching any ethics (I.e. honesty,integrity) that they promote especially re fundraising, then you need to ask them why they upheld it and counter it.

Challenge them and don't let them dismiss you. You have evidence. Dump your husband and find another charity if it's close to your heart. In any event, just make them work to prove they're right to uphold it.

Enough4me · 22/02/2025 01:17

Report her, quit the charity and LTB.
Take your enthusiasm, hard work, loyalty etc. and use it for people who respect and care about you.

blueshoes · 22/02/2025 01:18

Fk this St.

Dump your DH, dump the charity.

Find somewhere else that does not treat you so badly and appreciates your contributions.

OrigamiOwls · 22/02/2025 01:24

Numerous other charities would be grateful of your time. Sack this one off.

Original poster
MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 01:25

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:29

I’m sorry but you can’t ‘report’ someone to a business/ charity for having an affair. She can do what the fuck she likes. So can your husband. So can you. Leave him obviously. Stop trying to make her the baddie here

Just to be clear, I’m not reporting OW for the affair. I would be reporting that her behaviour towards me is motivated by the end of her affair with my DH. I have photos of both the way she has spoken to me and the affair to back this up.

OP posts: