Volunteering got complicated …..

[MellowTiger]

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

As I said, I agree she should have handled this differently.

I am simply pointing out that HelenB's framing was just making shit up and not based on what the OP had told us.

Edited to correct who had framed things unreasonably

I'd go to the panel meeting and ask them exactly what you are accused of. What threat have you made?
It wouldn't surprise me if the people involved in the investigation/panel have not thought this through clearly at all. They might have responded to the emotion of OW saying "she threatened me" without asking what the nature of the threat was.
I have been in a similar situation (not OW territory) with charity volunteers where one accused the other of "threats" but it turned out that it was the complainant who had been harassing the complainee with daily emails demanding information about imagined conversations. The "threat" was to report them for harrassment if they didn't stop.
If your panel are reasonable and you are able to explain calmly and clearly what has happened, this might backfire on OW and work out well for you.
If not, you're better off out of it anyway.

Of course you have to leave the charity. You can’t make OW leave and she’s clearly happy to make to the situation awkward and vexatious so you need to remove yourself from the situation.

im genuinely confused as to why your DH is involved in your decision making? He should be quiet as the reason you are in this situation is due to his nonsense.

6 years is a lot of lying OP

From the charity's perspective someone has complained and they need to investigate

From OW perspective - well I'd say your husband has likely badmouthed you to her - fairly standard stuff. She knows she's due a complaint so takes the first shot.

For you, you ask what you did wrong.
I'd say tolerating these bastards and being naive in thinking you could mediate.

Every body else in the situation is looking after themselves and their needs. You need to do the same.

Work out whether that means laying it all out to a panel or walking away.

You threatened her that if she dared to attend the meeting and continued to communicate with you in a manner you didn’t like, you would share details of her private life with others. You can’t bring a personal matter in a professional setting like that. That’s what you did wrong.

I think people are really over-complicating this Op, and some are being quite unkind to you (as usual in AIBU).
I think the only mistake you made was that you did not deal with her more quickly. When this meeting was arranged, that was the time to go to someone senior in the charity and explain why you were not prepared to attend the meeting if she went. Armed with evidence of how she has been rude to you to present if necessary, but not with evidence of the affair. However, unless you used aggressive language when you asked her not to attend, you weren't bullying and it could be considered to be a reasonable request.

Now - you are a volunteer and they want to put you through a procedure that could result in 'sanctions' as if you were an employee. Stuff that. What sanctions might they apply? Did you get a proper chance to present your evidence to the investigating person and ask them to speak to witnesses? In any case -
Save them all some time. Email a post holder in the charity and ask to meet with them to discuss your decision to ask the woman not to attend the meeting. Be robust and clear in what you say. You refute the accusation of bullying and are disappointed that, considering your long and dedicated service to the charity, nobody approached you to discuss the allegations straight away. State that, as a volunteer, you are not prepared to spend a lot of time preparing documentation for your response and attending a panel meeting, which you would find very stressful. If the charity really would fold if you left they will have no choice but to do the sensible thing and talk to you.

If they refuse then I'd resign with little or no notice, attaching any evidence you have that her personal animosity towards you was affecting your ability to carry out your role. You are a VOLUNTEER, they can't hold you to a notice period. If a charity folds because one volunteer leaves then it was only a matter of time before it went under anyway.

Oh and for goodness sake dump your bloody husband. And any time he tries to tell you how to behave in this situation, or trys to guilt trip about the charity, or in fact tries to influence you over anything - tell him to stop talking, nothing he says is of any interest to you any more.

You need to have another serious conversation with your husband. If your marriage is going to continue, you both have to step away from any contact with OW, even tangentially. You have tried to carry on with you both working with this charity and it clearly won’t work with her still involved in the organisation.

So even though it might lead to the charity closing down, a condition of your marriage surviving has to be you both stop volunteering there.

He’s already proven himself to be untrustworthy so this is a reasonable thing for you to ask him to do to prove he’s serious about fixing the damage he caused to your marriage.

You handled this badly and you did threaten her. There is no excuse for that. If her behaviour was unacceptable then you should have simply raised that with your management with examples. Instead you contacted here and told her not to attend a meeting or else you would report her - that was a threat meant to intimidate her. As far as the organisation goes the affair is irrelevant - neither of you have the right to act inappropriately towards the other or to use the organisation to grind your personal axes.

That. It's bizarre that you don't understand that you threatened her @MellowTiger . When you say to someone 'if you don't do what I ask, I will (carry out negative or damaging action)' that's a threat. And threatening a colleague is going to result in sanctions.

You were 100% wrong, and lost the high road completely. You've now made her the victim instead of you.

Why the fuck are you still referring to the man who cheated on you for 6 years as your 'D'H?

Also, what you did wrong was communicate with her at all. It was clearly never going to end well, so you should have just put in an official complaint about her behaviour towards you.

Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on.

Why are you listening to the man who spent 6 years betraying you? If you want to stop volunteering, stop volunteering, and your piece of shit husband can feel guilty about the closure of the charity.

OP you did wrong because your solution with this person was not to find a way to work together, but to stop her contributing to the charity by excluding her from meetings.

You should have raised this as an issue with someone senior rather than act as if you had a right to exclude her from meetings etc.

Her behaviour might have been wrong, but you didn't handle it correctly. That's the issue.

Yes, what you’ve just described is a threat. You should have gone down the official route at the time.

However, you didn’t and that’s that. I wouldn’t put yourself in a position to be sanctioned by a panel - you’re a volunteer, so just stop volunteering. If this has a negative impact on the charity, that’s unfortunate, but they were aware of this possibility when they decided on the disciplinary route and will hopefully have made plans in anticipation.

Also, LTB.

The thing is, if you had a problem with her behaviour you should have approached the charity

This way you've threatened her in that if she attends the meeting you will do something to her - I.e report her PLUS you'd divulge details of her personal life to the charity (which has nothing to do with them) just to embarrass her or make her look bad.

So you have threatened her and it makes you look like a bully

I’m fully with you OP, but ultimately you did threaten her and act like a bully, even though she’s hardly an innocent party herself.

Definitely highlight during the meeting not just the affair but her behaviour to you, to the point that others have noticed it, and how she’s made your position untenable as a result.

And if you want to stop volunteering and the charity closes, well it’s the charity’s fault for sanctioning you when her complaint was obviously driven by malice. And as much as you don’t want people to know your business, I would let everyone know what her and your DH have been up to so that no one can blame you.

Try reading the OP. The OW has been treating the OP badly since the affair came out. She is completely in the wrong.

And while we are at it, yes the husband is the one who has betrayed the OP, but the other woman is not some innocent party either. Her behaviour has been abhorrent too, and unprofessional.

Resign and explain exactly why- you were being bullied in plain sight by this other volunteer (others have commented on her behaviour) and the charity did nothing to intervene. Insist your husband resigns too with immediate effect. If the charity folds it's not your problem.

Which you should have done. The text and the way you handled it wasn’t appropriate.

You actively threatened her, you will be very lucky not to be sacked from your role.

Her behaviour is irrelevant, you should not have threatened her.. You should have taken it to formal complaint rather than approaching her with "if you don't so what I want I will take it further" because that is a direct threat.

OP - it’s a shame you didn’t escalate your complaint in the first place rather than email her directly, as she’s now able to turn this all around on you. Seeing as this is a voluntary roll rather than your actual job, there’s no way I would be attending that bollocks disciplinary meeting, I’d be out of there straight away. Who needs this kind of shit in their spare time?!

Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure

The charity is on the brink of closure on the basis of one volunteer leaving?

Yes, she would be luckier to be sacked. Currently she is giving up her spare time to be treated like shit and not even being paid for it!

I absolutely appreciate your feelings and your motivations but your actions were inappropriate in a professional setting. You should have complained from the outset about her behavior towards you.

Your husband is the one who has actually put you into this situation in the first place, I don't understand why you are considering his feelings about staying at the charity. If you cannot work with this woman you have to leave the charity. I'd strongly advise leaving the husband as well.

This is for you to resolve with your DH. He is the one who’s been unfaithful here.

Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on.

You want to stop volunteering?

So stop volunteering!

Why would you care what your husband says?

What is he going to do if you stop volunteering?

OW might not be the main "baddie" but she shouldn't be free of judgement, having an affair with a man in a relationship doesn't make you a decent person

I think at this point I would:

• ‘take it further’ and absolutely make the complaint about her conduct
• dont let your husband have a say on whether you carry on or not; you can make it clear to whoever that you’ll leave the charity if this is not dealt with properly
• take a step back and consider what you want to do. Both in your marriage and in the charity.

Id be wondering how long/far it would have gone if you hadn’t found out. Lots of luck xx