Volunteering got complicated …..

[MellowTiger]

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

But this is not what OP has described. OP has described not simply telling them that if the behaviour continued they would escalate through complaints process, but told them not to attend an event that OP had no right to try to ban them from (regardless of how the other person has behaved, it's not OP's place to decide what the other person can or can't do in the charity).

OP should have escalated within the charity structure, especially if they report that others have noticed the behaviour. OP should also not be scapegoating the other woman - I don't see anywhere that OP is banning their husband from attending this charity, but can be perceived as trying to push the other woman out.

Both other woman and OP's husband have behaved terribly, but OP hasn't handled it well - this is effectively like a HR process at work, and by overstepping, OP has put themselves in a poor position and opened themselves up to this.

You said if she went to the meeting you'd divulge sonething about her personal life. That is a threat, even if you feel it wad justified because she had an affair with your dh.

I know she is in the wrong here morally, but you cannot tell her not to attend a work meeting. You'll have to send a concise email to the panel, fully explaining the situation with screenshots of the messages she sent you. If you do get dismissed then I'd ask your husband to.leave too.

I agree with this. Why is it you who have to make all the effort to keep the peace, in your relationship and the charity? I'd be out! They effed up, they pick up the pieces, not you! There are thousands of charities for you to volunteer at. You're such a precious human to be giving your time like this, value yourself!

Follow the complaints process. Surely they know she has been verbally attacking you?

Leave the charity, leave your husband. Your future self will thank you.

I would give your evidence to the panel. But I would also then resign and stop helping them. And, if you do not want to divorce, insist your husband also resigns.

I think OP should have handled this differently, but you have totally twisted what OP has told us.

OP didn't think it was justified because the woman had an affair with her DH. She felt it was justified because the woman was making it impossible for OP to complete her volunteering role.

Yes, "Do this or otherwise I will do this" is a threat

Fuck that, I'd just leave.

If your husband is so worried about the charity folding if you leave, he should have kept his dick in his trousers.
You are not responsible for the outcome of the charity, that rests firmly on his shoulders.

Bit shortsighted to send thinly veiled threats to the OW but I guess you can see that now.
As for the husband, ditch him too.

In which case she should have escalated up that she was being "verbally attacked" or bullied (although Op initially said the OW was being "awkward" in meetings, not attacking her).

She shouldn't have gone to her and said she'd expose the affair if OW went to the charity event. Which was a threat.

Op, don't stand in a sort of trial for all your wrongdoings to be picked over. Just walk away from the ingrates (I mean the charity in general). You don't need to take part in any of this.

Yes, what you said to OW was wrong, it was basically blackmail. "Do what I say or I'll expose your affair". But, I understand why you did it.

You don't have to grovel for forgiveness from this charity that you've given so much to. Just leave.

As an aside, I do think that marriages can survive an affair but the spouse who did the affair needs to work really hard to rebuild the trust. Doesn't sound like your H has done so.

You were unreasonable when asking husbands lover not to attend a meeting. She can go where she likes

You are unreasonable to (apparently) apportion more blame to her than to your husband

You are unreasonable imo to stay with your husband and try to control things so that he doesn't see her again. You can't control other people

The charity is REASONABLE to sanction you because you WERE unreasonable in attempting to control where your husbands lover went

I’d give the evidence to the panel prior to the meeting and state you didn’t mean it as a threat, however in hindsight, you can see how this has been perceived. You were actually trying to end the bullying without putting out embarrassing information in the public arena, especially considering how crucial your role is in the charity. Then I’d either resign and not attend. Or I would put in a counter claim and attend.

No way would I just resign and not tell them the real reason if you are intending on volunteering elsewhere. Word can get around and you should protect yourself.

As for your dh, you’ve let him know he can stray for a protracted period and you’ll let it go. This isn’t a drunken ons so he is may just to do it again. Sorry.

OP, my advice is to immediately walk away from this charity and both lowlife pigs who stabbed you in the back together for six years. You don't need to tolerate that kind of crap from anyone.

I imagine the affair is still ongoingbor your husband has the intention of sparking it up again as his reaction is not logical. YABU to be emailing OW and taking shit from him and this charity.

I would go to the meeting and explain everything showing all the evidence to clear my name as you have done nothing wrong! How dare she try and implicate you she should be embarrassed then I would decide whether I wanted to continue working here but if I did I wouldn't leave because she had pushed me out she should be ashamed of herself sorry all this has happened to you OP

Just leave and tell them why.

This . You haven't done anything wrong. Find another charity to volunteer for and find another husband!!!

I would go to the meeting and lay all the information out there for them to see. I would then ask how they are going to proceed with the bullying you have received from the other woman. Wait to see what their response is. If they don't back you, immediately hand in your notice. If they do back you, wait to see what sanctions they will bring against the OW. Once in place, resign anyway. And then chuck your soon to be ex DH.

You could clear your name with the charity by saying what happened and giving proof. You probably should have complained about this woman as well. You still can put in a counter complaint.

I think walking away now would be appropriate if you don't want to do it any more. I'm sure they can find a replacement but I wouldn't give any more of your time to an organisation that let's you be bullied as that's what ow was doing. Find your anger!

@moose62 has the right idea. Do this!

Leave it all.

Leave the husband.

Leave the charity.

Fuck all of it and fuck them.

If the charity can't work without you, then it sounds like you could set up your own one. Or join a new one. I'd not piss about with this mess though. It's too humiliating to expect you to politely tolerate the OW treating you like shit, while your useless wanker of a husband defends her and his ability to keep on seeing her. They're most likely still involved with eachother, too.

Just walk away from all of it.

Good lord she’s brazen isn’t she? She was quite happy to have an affair with your husband for years but when you politely call her out on it she starts boo hooing? How very typical of the type of people who do this. What exactly did she think would happen when they got found out? That you’d wish her well? I am always surprised when people are this dim. Sorry love, fuck around and find out.
Go to the meeting, explain the situation, show some of the more revealing messages. Hopefully they will see reason and if not, just leave. You have said nothing about what your dick of a husband is doing in all this but I hope the man is prostrate on the floor with shame and remorse.

If this is how they treat volunteers then they don't deserve you and neither does your husband. Walk away.