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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Volunteering got complicated …..

414 replies

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:00

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
HopingForSomeSunshineSoon · 22/02/2025 07:13

God, just walk away from charity and DH.

mumonthehill · 22/02/2025 07:16

I think you have been completely betrayed by your dh but what you did was wrong. You should have either raised it with the volunteer coordinator/charity manager or a member of the trustee board. They then should have dealt with it in a kind and respectful manner. Ultimately it is your dh that has put you in this position. Sadly you probably will need to step away from all.

Cakeandusername · 22/02/2025 07:17

Personally I’d have ditched him.
Seriously how can you listen to a word the liar says. DH says I should carry on who cares what he thinks. He’s clearly got a vested interest in you being busy volunteering so he can pursue women on side and/or keeps him nice and near his long term mistress.
You overstepped when you told another volunteer not to go to a meeting due to your own personal reasons.
From volunteering point of view if you felt her behaviour was unacceptable then report that. It’s not for you to police.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/02/2025 07:20

Deal with the cheating twatface rather than faffing about what meetings the woman attends. You recognise it's a personal matter - keep it out of the workplace and don't waste the charity's resources having to sort it out.
Take a break from the charity, or leave - find another to volunteer with maybe.

OneLemonGuide · 22/02/2025 07:26

Vaxtable · 22/02/2025 00:18

I would report the other women anyway you gave nothing to lose now

Then I would think about leaving the charity and the husband

Edited

I’m not sure what the woman would be “reported” for? Having an affair might be immoral, but it’s a personal, not a work, matter.

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 22/02/2025 07:30

I don't understand how if youu stop volunteering, the charity would collapse. Are you the only volunteer, @MellowTiger
I also don't understand why you remain involved with your husband. It's highly unlikely he has finished his cock-freellancing, and the OW is getting arsey because she knows you know, and is feeling threatened.

MyDeftDuck · 22/02/2025 07:31

Personally, I would out them both at the interview. Then leave the bastard

StScholastica · 22/02/2025 07:38

OP, neither your H or the charity give two hoots about you.
Find your self esteem and dignity and walk away from the whole mess.
There are loads of charities out there that would welcome your input and you don't need a man.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 22/02/2025 07:39

You don’t seem to be interested in protecting yourself here at all. You should prioritise yourself. Not your cheating husband. Not the woman sexting him for years and certainly not the charity you are volunteering for.

Get away from the whole damn lot of them and start again.

HardenYourHeart · 22/02/2025 07:40

Wow, you're getting a hard time here. I don't know what wrong with the posters who are deliberately misreading what you posted. I hope Mumsnet does something about this.

As for your situation with this organization, if it implodes just because one volunteer quits, then it deserves to. I also think that there is no point in contacting the other woman. Your husband is an ass and his opinion doesn't count.

Overall, it seems like a badly run charity and I would walk away. Find some place that is better organized where you can actually enjoy the volunteer work. Also, ditch your husband. It will be much better for your well being.

Istilldontlikeolives · 22/02/2025 07:41

Does your husband want you to continue so that HE can keep going to the charity and seeing this person? They both have a cheek and both seem quite brazen in their attitudes. Why don’t you quietly find another charity to volunteer for then just quietly hand your notice in without even discussing with anyone?

daisychain01 · 22/02/2025 07:44

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 01:25

Just to be clear, I’m not reporting OW for the affair. I would be reporting that her behaviour towards me is motivated by the end of her affair with my DH. I have photos of both the way she has spoken to me and the affair to back this up.

Show quote history

Believe me, the affair isn't over, not after so many years. Don't believe anything either of them says.

how have you managed to stay with him, even when he's been a lying cheat to you? Know your worth!

your charity is unlikely to fold if you leave. I volunteer for a charity and they have a constant churn of volunteers and paid staff. It's the nature of charity work, people come and go. So maybe time for you to go too, as part of your move away from you H. He does not deserve the D.

Londonrach1 · 22/02/2025 07:44

Why aren't you leaving your husband. He the one that caused this. You can't demand the ow doesn't attend a meeting. Yabu here and can see why the supported the ow. Sounds like your time volunteering in this charity is over.

JMSA · 22/02/2025 07:48

No way would I be putting up with this shit in an unpaid role!

Snowmanscarf · 22/02/2025 07:49

Why are you putting yourself through this? You’re a volunteer, and your husband has been cheating on you for six years.

Leave the charity and your husband. If you have certain skills, I’m sure another charity will jump at the chance to have you in their organisation. I know you said that the charity may fold if if you leave, but that’s not your problem. No one is irreplaceable, to put it bluntly.

Likewhatever · 22/02/2025 07:51

If you want to be treated fairly you need to give the charity all of the information. They are being asked to manage a volunteer conflict situation where they don’t know all the facts. Give them all the gory details. Don’t imagine they don’t know anything, there will be gossip and people will have seen your DH and the OW together. But give them the evidence to confirm the situation.

Think though, what you want out of this. Clearly you can’t all carry on volunteering for the charity. The fact that neither of them have done the decent thing and stepped down is the biggest, reddest flag. In your shoes I would be resigning but I would be making very clear my reasons for doing so.

crackfoxy · 22/02/2025 07:51

JustJoinedRightNow · 22/02/2025 00:13

Why should your cheating DH get a say in how you spend your free time? He's taking you for a mug OP.

Don't let him guilt you about the closure of the charity. If it means that much to him that it carries on then suggest he and OW leave and you carry on in the role. See how that goes down with him. I'm guessing not well.

This!

Londonrach1 · 22/02/2025 07:51

Honestly stop volunteering and leave dh! You deserve better.

crankytoes · 22/02/2025 07:52

You say others within the organisation have commented on her inappropriate manner with you.

You should lodge a complaint against her for bullying.

You could use this and the evidence of other people's witness as a reason why you sent a polite letter not threatening her but pointing out that she needed to back off you otherwise you'd have to disclose the issue.

She had forced the issue by complaining about you so you now have been forced to lodge a complaint about her bullying. And that she has used the charity to attack you

You can show that you did not threaten her. You asked her to not derail the meeting by attending as she had no reason to be there other than to continue harassing you. You did not threaten her. You merely explained that if she did not stop harassing you you would have no option but to disclose the situation as that is the root of her bullying. And now you face been forced to do this

You can turn this whole thing around OP

NeelyOHara · 22/02/2025 07:54

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

It’s not her fault she was conducting an affair with a colleagues husband?

Why does she want to attend a meeting she doesn’t need to be at? Most people would have the decency to avoid OP as much as possible.
OP walk away from the charity, they, like your husband, are treating you like dirt.

Berthatydfil · 22/02/2025 07:55

So you volunteer for a charity and your role is so key it would collapse without you. Your dh (also a volunteer) had an affair with another volunteer.
He ended it , she then started being “off” with you in on line meetings so blatantly that other people noticed. You feared she would repeat /escalate at an in person event you asked her not to go or you would report it (presumably using charity’s dignity at work/anti bullying policy). She got a preemptive compliant in and you were found to be “guilty”. And now you have to receive your punishment by being humiliated in public.

I don't understand how her complaint was upheld if it was investigated properly. Was it? Did you give the full context of the events leading to your request? I would say that you should have reported her for bullying you rather than trying to deal with it yourself but that would have meant exposing your dh and her’s affair and your personal life which is understandable. But it has backfired on you now so I would be appealing the decision, putting in a counter complaint and refusing to accept this sanction.

I would resign anyway and be seriously considering if my marriage has a future.

Horserider5678 · 22/02/2025 07:56

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

Really? It takes 2 to tango and the OW is equally responsible!

crankytoes · 22/02/2025 07:57

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:29

I’m sorry but you can’t ‘report’ someone to a business/ charity for having an affair. She can do what the fuck she likes. So can your husband. So can you. Leave him obviously. Stop trying to make her the baddie here

She wouldn't be reporting her for having an affair. Jeez the lack of comprehension on MN is shocking.

She would be complaining that the woman is bullying and harassing her as witnessed by others and with written evidence

The disclosure of the affair would be relevant only in that it givens context for why the other woman is bullying the OP.

The OP at no point threatened the OW. She asked that she not attend the meeting as this would derail things and there was no reason for the OW to be there.

She told the OW that if she did attend she would see that as a continuation of harassing behaviour and she would have to disclose the situation to the charity to detail the reasons for the OW behaviour

LunchtimeNaps · 22/02/2025 07:59

What were the exact words to OW in this message? Maybe you thought your message was clear that the alternative was to report her but maybe to a third party it wasn't. None of us know the wording.

EmmaMaria · 22/02/2025 07:59

I wouldn't be listening to anything the husband says here, but on the actual question (and not all the other stuff) it comes down to "She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU?"

The answer to that is yes YABU. You handled this badly and you did threaten her. There is no excuse for that. If her behaviour was unacceptable then you should have simply raised that with your management with examples. Instead you contacted here and told her not to attend a meeting or else you would report her - that was a threat meant to intimidate her. As far as the organisation goes the affair is irrelevant - neither of you have the right to act inappropriately towards the other or to use the organisation to grind your personal axes.

I want someone to explain what I did wrong here.
Someone did. You just didn't like it.

You need to separate out your personal life from your professional life, and if you can't do that then you need to make the appropriate decision about continuation of your volunteer role, which is nothing to do with your husband.