Volunteering got complicated …..

[MellowTiger]

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

When you found out he was involved with this other person you should have ended the relationship and also immediately reported it to your line manager/supervisor.

MN is bonkers - this is an untrustworthy selfish woman and people are saying you are in the wrong because you didn’t want to take any crap when the affair ended.

This is the least of your worries considering your husband cheated on you for 6 years and you’re still with him!!!

Always escalate things upwards. There are usually guidelines on how to handle issues. Like in the workplace, if someone is causing you issues, you go to your manager about it. That way you can't be accused of threatening or bullying. But because you are someone involved in this conflict, saying "If you don't do X, I will do Y" is a threat.

When you put your case to the panel tell them that with hindsight you realise that you did not take the right approach to resolve this issue. You had just been trying to give the OP the opportunity to stop her inappropriate behaviour towards you because it would be embarrassing for everyone involved if you were then forced to share this private business with more senior people.

Like fuck would I hang around and attend meetings in a voluntary role for them to decide whether to sanction me or not, whatever lead up to this point. So I’d be expected to plead my case so that they can graciously decide to continue to accept my free labour, no I don’t think so. I’ve volunteered all my adult life for different organisations ( alongside full time work) so I understand the feelings of responsibility that it can bring but honestly just walk away from the volunteering. I would be telling your husband gtf as well, he lost all rights to tell you what to do 6 yrs ago when he started carrying on with OW, bet he wasn’t worried about the impact of his own shitty behaviour on the charity.

What you did wrong was to contact her. In what possible universe did you envisage a situation where she said ‘Yep, fair enough, I won’t go to this event and I’ll stop being arsey with you on line’? What were you thinking?

You did threaten her. You threatened to make a formal complaint against her, which could potentially damage her position. Again, how did you think she was going to react?

I think that your best hope, if you want to continue volunteering, is to be completely honest, say you approached her with the best of intentions, trying not to bother the organisation with your husband’s dirty laundry, but you realise now that it was the wrong way to handle things and you should have approached the charity leaders. Offer to resign and say that you’d like to stay on and will handle things differently. Personally, I’d tell the charity exactly where to stick their volunteer position and that the OW and your husband are a pair of skanks who have been shagging all over the shop.

And fuck your husband right off.

@MellowTiger you sound really out to get this woman. The person you should be taking down is your dh.. its all on him. Nothing actually happened except what your husband kept going, knowing that he was Married to you.

The only threat you made was to do exactly what she's done to you - report her unprofessional behaviour, which was disrupting meetings.

You've got no real case to answer here. In your position, I think I'd clarify the nature of your 'threat' and highlight that you were, in fact, offering a solution to the meeting problem. If the others who commented on her antipathy would be ready to back you up, so much the better.

I'd want to rectify this injustice but, after that, I think you should dump both the charity and the husband.

Hi OP!

it’s a threat because you said “if you don’t do XXX I will do X”. While I think what you probably meant to say was “this is a deeply personal and embarrassing situation for us both, given the hostility I feel from you in virtual meetings I would like to request that you do not attend face to face as I do not feel safe to be around your persons. I had been happy to deal with this behind closed doors but if you continue to publicly air your grievances I feel I will be left with no choice but to escalate via internal policies”.

i would also very much appeal to this panel and explain tempers are running high due to it being such a sensitive situation and instead of phrasing it correctly you perhaps let it get the better of you, that you’d like to bring to their attention the evidence of her bullying you and that there are witnesses of this.

but personally? I’d tell them all to shove it. If the charity would cease to function without you then they should be supporting you not sanctioning you in my opinion.

and the OW and your delightful husband would be being told to go fuck themselves as far away from me as possible 🤭

Where do you get this from?

OP's actions regarding her DH aren't the point - whether she stays with him and forgives him or sacks him off she still has a right to be treated respectfully while volunteering at the charity by all the other volunteers.

If OW is behaving in a way that makes others uncomfortable - in this case OP and the other volunteers who have noticed - that is not conducive to a civil environment and the charity ought to be prepared to support OP by tackling such negative behaviour by the OW. The affair is irrelevant other than that its demise seems to have been the catalyst for OW's poor treatment of OP.

OP would have been better taking her concerns straight to the charity instead of trying to tackle them directly, but there's nothing in her posts that shows she is "out to get" the OW.

I think she was just hoping the woman would be thoughtful enough to not go to the face-to-face meeting unnecessarily. Rather than entirely ruining the woman who had an affair with her husband’s life. I agree with you on the husband though.

I thought she just wanted the women to not go to the face-to-face meeting? Did I miss something?

It’s not a functioning charity if one person leaving would end it. Either way, it’s time to move on for both you and your husband.

There’s no need to ‘report’ an affair. If her behaviour to you has been unprofessional you just need to demonstrate that, not her motivation.

I would not take the advice of anyone who uses a misogynistic term like ‘whorebag’.

Leave the charity and leave your husband.

You threatened to show her sexually explicit texts to people she works with. That makes you look bad. Leave the charity - your husband must be mental if he thinks he gets a say in the matter.

You engage fully with the process. Stick to the facts. Hold your hands up to trying to manage the situation rather than putting in a complaint about her behaviour. (Is it too late to put a counter complaint in?!)
This lass has put in a complaint to get back at you nothing more. She may well have been less than honest and sounds like a proper investigation of the facts hasn't been carried out otherwise it would be clear as to what had actually happened.
Good luck!

Sod the lot of them! DH, OW and charity. They all deserve each other and you deserve none of their contempt! Hold your head high OP!

Quit the charity - who cares if they close, that is your DH and the OW fault, not yours. He only wants you to stay so he has access to the OW since charity stays open

Quit the marriage - he has made it clear he DGAF about you or he would have already agreed to leave the charity to get away from her.

Should I just have gone down the official route straight away and not given her a chance to stop?

Yes, that's what you should have done. If her conduct towards you during your work was inappropriate, having a negative impact on your working environment and noticeable by third parties then it needed to be reported regardless of the personal relationship between her and your husband. But they still probably wouldn't have upheld the complaint if what you had actually done was approach her and say only "if you continue to [insert whatever specific behavior towards you that you believe was clearly actionable] then I will report it." Pairing a "request" for her to not attend a meeting that she was expected at as part of her role with a threat to report her (and thus make her sexual activity known) was a problem.

I absolutely understand why you don't want to work directly with her, and why you weren't eager to do anything that would make the affair known. Hopefully the panel will as well and will take that into account and I would probably just be honest with them and acknowledge that you realize now you should have filed a complaint rather than trying to handle it yourself. And I would certainly consider going ahead and filing a separate complaint about her behavior towards you.

Your husband doesn’t want you to quit because if you do it will be harder for him to continue his affair with OW.

This. You did threaten her. You can't complain that she made a complaint and that its a personal matter when you also state that you would take it further in the organisation.

Ditch your cheating husband and find something new to volunteer for.

Why are you still married to this man?

Do what is best for you personally. If the charity is that important these 'other' people can take over. Live your best life!

This. However, pull no punches, and make it clear to DH and everyone else, that you are leaving the charity due to the actions of DH. Then leave him too.

Neither the husband or the charity deserve you. Please take a good long look at your life. You deserve more.