Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Someone who is trying to create a parallel relationship he can sidestep into (in their eyes.)

You’ve led a sheltered life Dot

I literally thought last night that IABU. And everything was fine last night and this morning. But the trip to France came out of nowhere and it unsettled me. I always trusted him and never had a reason to suspect anything. He was never secretive about them meeting up in the group or on their own. I have never been cheated on ( or at least I don’t know about it ) so maybe my judgement is a bit clouded and I should be more suspicious

So don’t tell him not to go ( though I would). Tell him you’re not happy about it. Because you’re not. If he still goes then you know he is not prioritising you, and your feelings.

This is an affair ( or soon to be one ) in plain sight. Even if he is stumbling rather than marching into it. She is being clear in her intentions, and he is not laying down boundaries.

Wake up.

I know! There was a shopping receipt on the table and at the bottom was her name, his name and my address! I did say that is was very odd but he said he thought I will be pleased because I talked about getting membership and he thought he was doing a good thing

She's clever. I'll give her that.

His and her name printed by his (and your) address?

It's territory marking behaviour.

It might still be innocent on his but it certainly isn't on hers.

Ok so even if you give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he can't see what's going on, you surely can't believe this woman has got good intentions. She's trying to snare him and will likely succeed if you don't do something. I just can't get over a single woman inviting a married man out on trips like that if she hasn't got designs on him. Who would do that?!

That’s the thing. I don’t want to tell him he can’t go. It’s completely up to him and it’s his choice. He knows my position that I do trust him until I find the reason not to trust him. I can’t have a relationship without trust. I have too much going on to worry about what the hell is getting up to and with who.

If he wants to get out & about & they get on & have a common interest he maybe just sees it as a friendship & it might not have occurred to him that she might not.

If she does have a bad intentions and he can’t see that then he is either flattered by her attention or I lived with a moron for the last 10years. Or maybe she is the innocent one and she told him about the trip and he asked if he could come and pretend she invited him. Who knows but I already hate the fact that I have to spend any mental energy on thinking about this. I’m going home now and will talk to him about this so he knows where I stand

Quite possible but he needs to be aware of the fact that she may see the relationship differently and maybe step back a bit and hear OP's concerns. I think it's a really good idea for OP to do the sport activity next week to get a handle on this woman.

Yes just talk to him and see what kind of feeling you get from him. You're right, it could have come from him, he's being pretty brazen about it if so.

I'll refer you back to my previous post...

The other thing is that trust is obviously important in a relationship but where something is happening to erode that trust, it would be foolish to ignore it on the basis of what is a relationship without trust?

It's still important to 'affair proof' a relationship as much as possible.

And sometimes people know they are pushing boundaries but think their spouse doesn't care because they've never said anything. At the moment, maybe he's thinking all of it is OK because you haven't told him it's not. After all, he's not hiding anything from you at the moment. But an opportunity is definitely being created.

Another one from my extensive experience... I have a friend who is slightly younger than me who isn't having a great time in her marriage at the moment. We sometimes go out for a drink and her relationship troubles are often mentioned. Sometimes, my partner comes with us. No problem. she and he get on and they like each other. But... she becomes very flirty when he is around. She'll hug/kiss him on arrival/departure and place a hand excitedly.on his arm when talking to him. Her eyes sparkle when he talks tp her. I see none of that when she is just with me or other friends!

I don't think she is interested in him really but she clearly enjoys the time away from her own life and it's current problems and lighthearted conversations with/attention from another man.

I haven't said a word to him.but he has obviously noticed this because he no longer makes himself.available for the hug/kiss and he no longer sits close enough to her for her to touch his arm. She has an allotment. He would love one. I have zero interest. She has invited him to her allotment. To see it. To help on it. Suggested he can grow stuff on the allotment... he has turned down every invitation.

‘or I lived with a moron for the last 10years’.

Well… that is not unusual. Sadly.

But anyway in this case, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt (the single woman making moves, definitely not), whilst at the same time stopping anything else happening as of now. Give your marriage a chance because if you ignore, it might go too far. I get it’s a pain and all that but it’s worth it I think, from what you’ve said so far.

A lot of men don't think women are 'like that' (initiating affairs).

Well our address but it’s my house and we are not married. So he joined her membership but paid for a second card registered to him. So essentially she has a card in her name and address and he has a card under her name, his name and our address

That's just a minor clarification really (alrhough I can see why its important for you). She's still territory marking. Him. Not the house.

Thank you, it makes a lot of sense. Your partner sounds like very emotionally intelligent person

It's the equivalent of scratching AB+CD 4EVA into a tree trunk. In itself, it means nothing but it's symbolic to the person doing it. It feels one step closer...

Men can be a bit dense sometimes....but she's definitely on the make.

Yes she is always inviting him somewhere … I never minded him doing stuff with the group and often he would bring my children too but lately it’s a lot of stuff on their own.

@JadeMember, boundaries are definitely being pushed. Your Partner has mentionitis and is frequently out and about 1:1 with this OW, not to mention the swim group activities. They are creating quite the fun and intimate space together in plain sight, and are enjoying the mutual validation engendered by their ‘adventures’. An inappropriate emotional reliance is developing.

Read ‘Not Just Friends’ by Dr. Shirley Glass. She explains how the evolvement of blurred boundaries and investment of emotional energy in a third party can threaten the primary relationship. Your P has opened a window to OW and he needs to definitively close it.

I also wouldn’t be impressed if he has been using my children as a cover while building a connection with this woman.

So we had a chat about it. It turns out she did ask him last night about the trip to France but he didn’t know how to tell me. This sounds like he knew it wasn’t really appropriate. Apparently she was going with a friend but she pulled out and out of the group of 15 women and 1 man she asked my DP if he wants to come. Anyway he said there is absolutely no attraction from his side and he is happy he has a friendship with someone. I know he was quite lonely because his friends live too far away since he moved in with me and WFH doesn’t help. His only friends are my friends and he only sees them when he is with me. He said having a friendship away from me is important to him. He said I was very emotionless when he mentioned meeting this woman in the past and I never asked him if he had a nice evening and I just didn’t seem to care. Sadly there is a truth in that as I often don’t feel a lot of emotions and I am more practical and logical.
So I have talked to him about some points raised here. I said that it’s up to him if he wants to go but I do think it’s pushing boundaries too far. Also that I find it strange that she always has just one spare ticket to any events ( these events are now happening once or twice a week) but for a lot of these events you don’t even need tickets. God I’m just rumbling on now! I did say that in the future I would like to be now and then involved in going out with them or at least not just invite my DP but extend the invitation to me as well. I do know I sound like a petulant child or maybe a prick. So I don’t know if he will go or not but thank you for your support

I do know I sound like a petulant child or maybe a prick.

No you don't. You sound like a woman who is having to explain things ro her husband he should be able to work out for himself.

And who, in fact, can work out these things for himself because you are spot on about why he didn't tell you about the France trip last night. Didn't know how to tell you?

He's taking the piss.

Oh and no one has spare tickets to events every single week due to multiple unreliable friends.

Otherwise, he'd be hearing about how pissed off she is with her flakey friends and I'll bet that's not happening either!

This is very contrived on her part and he either doesn't realise or doesn't care or actively wants it to continue. Most men would realise that this level of contact was inappropriate and he's strengthening her position everytime he goes along with it. In her head even if, currently, no where else.

Magnesium , hRT antihistamine get me to sleep
depression anxiety are symptoms oflife and menopause

give him a hug and ask how much fun he had , maybe go with him next time ?
id defo join the swimming thing as it’s good for mood