Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

No. No he shouldn’t go with the woman he’s been talking about, seemingly quite a lot. I’d also not want him to go to the wild swimming group.

Is she single?

It’s normal to explain to him that actually you’re not happy about it, the day long trip abroad with another woman. He should be ok with that, since he asked you initially. It’s ok to change your mind.

I’d also probably want to swap sports - you take your son, he takes your daughter. I’m suspicious of the woman’s motives, sorry.

If it quacks like a duck etc.

Hopefully you can nip this in the bud. x

Ps. I think you wrote the initial post because your gut is telling you things already .

Please don’t blame your hormones for your behaviour. It makes the whole thing worse.

I won’t be able to go tomorrow. Even if I could, I can’t imagine anything worse than driving to France and back for the sport event I’m not interested in, just to make sure he won’t cheat on me. I need to take a minute to work out how I feel about him going. I would never tell him that he can’t go even though he said he won’t go if I’m not happy about it. Also, I’m thinking that if someone wants to cheat they will find a way to do it.

I’m sorry this isn’t hormones this is your husband starting an affair….

It seems to be in the early stage of them making (at the very least and I expect more) an emotional connection. No good can come of that.

Yes this woman is single with two children who are the same age like my children. I already thought about swapping sports so next weekend I will take my DS and introduce myself to this woman and hopefully be able to get some gauge on her behaviour

What the hell is a silent disco?

The French trip …..here we go. If it isn’t an affair yet then the woman who has asked him to go is certainly trying hard. First the swimming, then the charity event, now a day trip. What are the odds that the ferry gets cancelled and they have to stay over? So sorry OP, I would make it very clear that I wasn’t happy with this. Maybe time to set some very clear boundaries.

@JadeMember I think that a day trip to France is a step too far, but also it COULD still be innocent. How would he feel in your shoes? I think your plan to be more involved so you can check things out next time, is good.

I think perhaps your DP also needs to understand this is how affairs can start, even if he genuinely has no bad intentions currently. Also, how IS your relationship with DP? We went through a bad patch recently and I realised, I had kind of pulled away and my DP had responded by doing the same. I started making more plans WITH (nothing crazy - just going WITH him to some of his regular things as he’d asked me to and I’d just stopped). It is so easy to neglect each other 🧐🤨

Copy and paste that into your search bar and all will be revealed I'm sure 😂😂

Something is weird about the situation, I assume you live in Kent or similar to so a day trip to France so maybe the distance isn't the issue but what single woman invites a married man on a day out after spending the evening with them?

Going next week is a good idea

It's a secret thing that we're all into. It's not for you.

I’d def swap drop offs and giving her a good eyeball and having a loaded conversation.

I’d also be having a VERY frank conversation with DH about how affairs start and how sad his life would be without me.

I’d also be trying to connect more with him despite the fact I’d want to punch him for being such a moron

I would have a conversation along the lines of the friendship with this woman becoming a little too involved and therefore inappropriate

This is how affairs start. Even when one person has no intention. I'm all for men and women socialising to a point. Night night events and trips to France are stepping over a boundary that you are quite entitled to hold

Ask him how he would feel if you did a regular activity with a man who then asked you to an evening fundraising event and then asked you to accompany him on a day trip to Paris. If he says he'd be fine then he'd be lying.

If he has a problem that is quite telling.

This.

I started off reading things thread thinking- how lovely. No problem here!

And then got to this bit.

I agree she is trying very hard.

Those saying it could still be innocent.

I disagree. I mean, it could but very unlikely to be at this stage. Even if she just really enjoys his company, I certainly wouldn't spend a last minute evening out with someone else's husband and then invite him on a day trip to France immediately after. Would you?

I had a friend who targeted married men 🙄 This was pretty nuch her approach. Bright, breezy, last minute "I thought of you" opportunities and, crucially, and by her own admission, created scenarios that she believed would sound more appealing to him than spending another boring day at home with his boring wife and his boring kids. A bit, look at me and how spontaneous I am! Just think how exciting life would be with me!

We felt out over it numerous times. I met her when she was 46 and last saw her when she was 53 and I'd finally had enough of it. So not young either.

OP further to my previous post I would also tell your DH your position but also that you are not his keeper. He is entitled to do as he wishes. But make no mistake, after highlighting the potential inappropriateness of their 'friendship' if he was to have sec with her - even kiss her, you would end the marriage instantly.

If this is one of those crossroads in life where he will be making a decision, he should know there will be no coming back from it.

No no no!! It's not on for a single woman to invite a married man on a day trip to France having just spent an evening with him. Who would think that was ok? There's no way he should agree to go. If they've already got things in common it's just opening the way for an affair to start. I'd put my foot down and say no he can't go. But on the other hand like you say OP if people want to cheat they'll find a way. I think you need a good long talk with him to see what he's thinking and definitely check this woman out.

So weird how this thread is turning out. Even though it all seemed quite innocent at first, your gut was telling you there was more to this. Can't underestimate that gut instinct we have.

Our relationship is normally good but we could do spending more quality time together. He WFH so he likes to do something to get him out of the house. We got a dog so it gets him out of the house but it’s not the same as going to social events. My work is quite demanding, public facing so I like to spend my downtime away from people and preferably on my own. I know we do need to meet somewhere in the middle to spend more time together

So he could be spending quality time with you but wants to go to France with someone else? Just no. Come on op, nip this in the bud before it becomes something, this woman seems pretty blatant frankly. Up to you, but I would be speaking to my partner and putting in some boundaries (would he be happy if this was the other way round for example?)

Yes she is always inviting him somewhere. Like oh I’m going to a gallery do you fancy coming? Or asking him to go to a Costco with her because she has a membership and he can get one under her name. And he did end up with her membership but his own card. I never minded them doing stuff with the group and often he would bring my children with him too but lately it’s a lot of stuff on their own.

Given your update, OP, do speak with him.

What you've described is fertile affair territory. Not because I'm being dramatic but because affairs often happen in the spaces in our lives that occur between living our lives.

The truest thing is that 'affairs don't start in the bedroom'. This is how they start. Spending time together, shared interests, thinking of someone outside of your marriage (or within someone else's) before your spouse/another friend when an opportunity arises. Friendships build and that ti's fine but then one person feelsmsafe in the close friendship. They open up and are listened to. They feel supported and reciprocate this. This increases the closeness and the bond. It deepens the connection.

She is already unlikely to have called him out of the blue to invite him to France. This happened because they were already spending time together.

He has the choice of spending quiet downtime with you (who understandably is peopled out) but he is craving connection due to his solitary worklife so he chooses to spend it doing something more peopley. And more conversations happen. They open up about childhoods and feelings and a deeper relationship blossoms...

Because this is how many affairs start.

This is getting odder, who gets a Costco card for someone else's husband?

Nope.

That is too much.

At the risk of being lambasted, after my divorce, I became close friends with a couple. They were a great support and only now I'm several years out of the friendship, can I see how many boundaries were crossed in reality.

It was the husband who would invite me to places his wife didn't want to go to and she always fully supported it (she would offer to babysit my children so I could go out with him.) I believed at the time she had no concerns and trusted me/him but now I'm not so sure. I think she was trying to be ok with something she wasn't really ok with. But I couldn't see that then because I was in the middle of it.

I had no designs on him - he was married! But, as it turned out, that wasn't how he saw it and he eventually propositioned me for an affair. I cut him of immediately which meant I lost the friendship with both.

Even if one person is wholly innocent in it, boundaries can still be crossed.

WTF op! He has a Costco card for this woman’s account? She’s ’always inviting him somewhere’, ie her and him. Wake up op, lines are being crossed here as we speak.