Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

I've only had this situation once but it was a shorter term relationship (not living together) and my son was much younger.

I did a much simpler version of my above advice as he was younger.

"I will miss X too a little bit, but it turns out he isn't a kind person and we are only friends with good, kind people so we won't be spending time with him anymore." I followed with "we might miss him for a little bit, but we will spend time with all the lovely people we know instead and life will carry on".

Regardless of age there are ways to explain it appropriately.

Stay strong op.

I understand they had a relationship with him for 8 years but I am not comfortable with the idea of him creating a group WhatsApp and suggesting meeting up. He knows you’ve blocked him and know he cant contact you but this feels too much.

I agree with pp that I think now is a good time to talk to your children about everything thats happened and explain about trusted adults.

I would feel differently about your dc seeing him if things ended naturally and you were both on good terms but he has been manipulating vulnerable women, thinks you’re out to ruin his life and you’ve thrown his belongings at him, i’m not sure I would trust this meet up.

If your dc want closure then that’s understandable but they have to see him in a place where you’re happy for them to go- a public place and with a trusted adult.

That's got all my Spidey senses tingling, OP.
Going behind your back - but "Tell your mum" so he appears to be Doing The Right Thing.
But letting you know after the fact, means that you now have to involve the kids by taking something away from them that they should never have been given in the first place. He's devious as hell.
If he had asked your permission before setting up this WhatsApp group (which he should have done of course, they are not his kids), would you have agreed? A line of communication to your kids that no other adult has sight of?
With a lying manipulative predator on the other end of it?

@JadeMember I know it’s hard and yes your ex could be doing this for wrong reasons but i think you have to let the kids get on with it to some extent. I suspect it could fade out over time. But 8 years in their life is a long time so at least this way they can see him and then decide. It does mean the door is not quite firmly closed for you, I know.

You can also say to the kids that you understand they have their own relationship with your ex but that your ex should not expect them to discuss his/your relationship when they see him. So you could actually suggest (without trying to control the conversation) that they decide in advance what they are and are not comfortable talking about and have a phrase ready such as “I’m here to see you and Ddog not talk about you and Mum” and shut down things if not happy.

OP I have been following your journey and I love your style and openness. Flinging kitchenware at him is amazing!
This latest move is obviously dodgy. Can you have someone else present with your DD and your ex to make sure he isn't trying to manipulate her.

They will have to wait until your lovely Dad is back, by them your other child may or may not wish to go to.

We all know it will be easier for the dog not to be living with him in order for him to find a rental...

Does the professor like dogs ?

If...he decides one day to give the dog to a rescue for rehoming - is it a firm no from you that the dog cannot live with you and the children.
On the condition of course that he is giving up the dog and has no contact with you all regarding it.

Op your thread is really filling up… i’ve been following closely and would love to see you progress in this journey… you’re bloody amazing!

please start a new thread to keep us updated (if you feel like it!)

He’ll probably pull out the victim card in front of your kids so they feel sorry for him and think you’ve been too harsh on him. Next thing you know, your kids are trying to convince you that you should let him back in the house.

My DC will be 15 in a couple of months. I unblocked him this morning and messaged him to get the idea about why he wants to see DC and maybe it’s too early. He said he misses them and he would like to see them. And then he started saying that it might be a good idea to tell DC that he needs to rehome the dog because he can’t find anywhere to rent where pets are accepted. It’s all just a manipulation.

@JadeMember oh dear. I can see what is coming. your ex is going to offer them the dog!! that is the plan! you need to persuade your dc not to remain in contact with him because I can see in the future that he will want to come to see his dog and start worming his way back in!

🤣 wow he’s something else isn’t he???

make sure that you’re referring to the dog as EXDP’s dog in ALL conversations going forward, either with the kids or the manipulator… not my circus, not my monkeys, not my dog!

Oh how tough! You can see it's all about the manipulation, but your DD is too young for that.
Tell him out straight he is absolutely not too try make your DD feel guilty about the dog.

I know you don't want to be the baddie - but do consider not allowing your daughter to see him.

OP, I have followed your posts but n ot posted I don't think. You have done so well.

I agree with previous posters who say he's a classic covert narcissist. Many of whom land up alone and in dire straits because their victim approach gets exhausting and relentless and slowly but surely they lose everyone - family, friends, colleagues, work etc.

In terms of your children, this is difficult. They are old enough that it is not unrasonable to allow them to see him. BUT, you are the adult and you are fully aware that he wants to manipulate them - probably some combination of taking the dog and/or to get to you. [As a side note - I'm actually quite horrified to realise that the dog as manipulation tool is practically a cliche too. I've seen it with covert narcissists in real life, and on here previously]. I can't remember if you would want the dog but assuming you don't, you need to pre-warn the chidlren, "Ex might try to pressure you about Barney. i know it's hard but we can't have him and ex needs to sort him out." YOu also should be prepared for them to come home feeling sorry for him and for him to have used some sort of tactic to convince them that YOU are being unfair. Simple, fact-based information in an age appropriate way is your friend. Do not lie. do not hide that he is in the wrong, but also don't slag him off or rant.

Good luck.

[Also, it's very possible he will let your DD down anyway by not turning up. that's another classic behaviour trait].

ok

so he needs to drive the dog to Many Tears Animal Rescue in Wales, taking the dog's paperwork with him i.e. microchip details.

They may be full but they will not say no, they will take the dog in and they will make space for him.
They used to have dog crates outside the main gate for dog owners to dump their dogs in overnight !

They may not find him a home right away it may take time, months even or years but they are a ' no kill ' rescue and he will be rehomed one day.
They even find homes for dogs needing palliative care !
Every dog will find a home, one day.

Many Tears Animal Rescue
Cwmlogin House
Cefneithin
Llanelli
Carmarthenshire
SA14 7HB

Ah. No to the dc seeing him then, that’s clear. Tell them we can maybe arrange it when he’s more settled but he hurt you and is trying to hurt you more.

A hard no.
Absolutely appalling man.

I do not want the dog. For the first time in years, I can have people coming to the house without this massive dog barking at them. It was always so stressful. And my ex will not be rehousing dog. It’s just a manipulation tactic. I’m glad I messaged him because he nearly had me there and I was going to let him see DC

I bet he truly thinks he has a shot at getting back in via your children/the dog angle. Honestly habitual liars/manipulators like him are so well-versed, they don't even realise they're doing it. I'm glad you're seeing right through him!

Actually. I agree with this, particularly the reminder that he had, whilst cheating, organised a mortgage and was going to leave and only announce it when he was moving into his new house. That denotes a spiteful personality with a grudge.

He recently made you so mad, asking you to take the duvet off your son's bed that you ended up throwing the rest of his stuff out the window. (Understandable IMHO). In front of the removal men who said they'd seen it all before.

He was publically humiliated. A few days later he's organising meet ups with your children. It's hard to think that he's not going to try to bad mouth you or manipulate them in some way.

It is a dilemma though as you want to cushion this break up for your children. I'm not sure what the answer is.. I'd maybe talk to your family or their Dad and see what they think.
But I definitely would not let him see the 14 year old alone without a responsible adult. And I'd say in advance to her that if he asks her to take the dog, (his dog!) that she needs to say she needs to discuss it with her family first and not just bring it home with her.
I also think that you or maybe her Dad needs to see the Whats App group chat he's set up. She's 14.

Sorry OP. Crossed post. Just seen your update. Good job you messaged him.
Also... he's actually made it abundantly clear that his primary motive was to see the DC to offload the dog. He's the gift (git) that keeps on giving isn't he.

Even when you feel like you are having bad days, you are doing really, really well. Glad you messaged him so he can't now manipulate your children x

honestly I feel in addition to offloading the dog, he'd use missing the dog as an excuse to visit/try to see OP as a way to get back in.

I know he was in their lives a long time but under the circumstances I really don’t think this is a wise move. He doesn’t need to see your children. He needs to leave them alone and sort his own sorry mess out. He doesn’t get to decide to walk in and out of their lives after the way he has behaved and is clearly being manipulative but you see through that anyway. Stay strong x

A man - who is known to manipulate vulnerable women and is not the father of your children, wants to spend time with them - without you? I’m glad you can now see what he is and you have said no.

Not sure why they need someone to fill the space at a silent disco? Guess a person couldn’t go but her fee would still have been paid for. One fewer person at a disco wouldn’t have made much difference.

Paranoid me wonders whether he’s hiding in plain sight (been on mumsnet too long).