Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Love this! You're a superstar, I hope your neighbours have video doorbells, once the dust settles, I hope this memory makes you smile 😊

@JadeMember should have sold tickets for the show!!!

Duly noted. We need a Chuck It Handbook!

I thought we are in the stage of healing but I felt a dagger in my heart when my DC told me this evening that my Ex created WhatsApp group for the three of them about meeting up. He did tell them to tell me ( I blocked him on everything so he can’t tell me ). I thought they blocked him too but they didn’t. So, he asked about meeting on Monday. My DS can’t because he already has a plans but my DD is free. I did ask her if she wants to see him and she wasn’t sure at first, but then I slowly got out of her, that she does want to see him and the dog, but she didn’t want to hurt me by saying it. I will put my children above my pain if it’s going to help them. I guess I’m just worried he is using them to get to me.

Try not to worry OP. It’s very painful for you this early on when your children want to spend time with their father, and there will be a (secret) part of you that hopes they see straight through him as you do. BUT it is really best for them that they forge their own relationship with him now and you are there to support them if/when it all gets messy. Big girl pants on, moral high ground, keep on keeping on. Things will eventually settle down and you will be glad of him taking on childcare responsibilities. He can’t get to you if you refuse to let him. Stay calm and carry on getting those ducks dealt with. Good luck 💐

Thank you but my ex is not their father. They have a loving father and we co-parent very well. But my ex was living with my DC and I for 8 years so they do love him too

They have a loving father OP. So two loving parents. That's all they need.
Your ex partner has shown that he cared more about his own needs, than about family life and his importance to them will fade with time. But it might give your DD some closure perhaps?

I bet he tries to palm the dog off on the kids.

Gah, this must be painful for you. But if you stop her seeing him it’ll make you the baddy. I’m assuming you don’t want her to go alone with him - could her Dad go with her?

Just murmur "Sit" under your breath every time you find yourself feeling a bit down. You're doing great.

This is a really hard one. When parents split bc the father has cheated, they have to have access to them if they want it bc they’re their parent, but he’s not their father. I think from what you’ve said it’s absolutely a possibility that he’s using them to get to you, even if he does still care about them.

The way he conducted himself to carry out his affair, even the way he was with his ‘friend’ the professor, giving no shit whatsoever as to how it looked or how it affected you, suggests he’s not the man you, or your children believed him to be. If he cared about them he wouldn’t have treated their mother the way he did.

If they were adults there would be absolutely nothing you could do regarding them maintaining contact with him. But they’re still children and you have a responsibility to protect them from any hurt and the potential of being manipulated by him in the future. I agree with a PP that he may try and guilt trip them to palm his dog off onto them, or use it as a tactic to see them, thereby hurting you more. He’s put you in a really horrible position - again for his own selfish needs. On the one hand, it would be hurtful to them if he disappeared from their lives suddenly after being so heavily involved in them, but this WhatsApp group and meeting up is prolonging the agony of your split and him no longer being part of your family unit. It’s rubbing salt in your wounds and keeping you hooked vicariously through them when you and they owe him nothing and should en moving on. Is there any way of getting another pet to take their minds off losing the dog?

Just remember the fact he wanted to
take your son’s bloody duvet for goodness sake! That was low. Would he be above using and potentially causing them more emotional pain and stress after all that he has done to you and them?

Manipulative little shit. Now you have shut the door hrs trying a new way in.
I have seen this type of behaviour in action and would go nuclear.
This man didn’t give a shit about your kids when he was behaving appallingly.
Setting up a group chat behind your back is really really not on if the children are not adults.
They are old enough to know that this man has deeply hurt their mother, and while it’s sad, it’s time to move on.
Nothing good can come from this. It’s narc behaviour, and controlling.

@JadeMember how old are the dc? Depending on their ages, I would not be at all happy at this WhatsApp group, and would think long and hard about them meeting up. Do agree re having another adult there with them at any meeting. ‘Closure’ for the dc? Hmmm - not convinced on that being achieved through meeting him. He’s such a liar, an untrustworthy specimen. If they’re old enough to meet him alone, and have their own WhatsApp group, they’re old enough to have the (bare) bones of what he did, and then why meet? To be duped, confused? What is the advantage for the dc? Why now? What does their father think? Your own parents?

I would not be able to resist trying to fade him from the lives of your DC. He took the kids duvet FFS.

No-one wants to be manipulative but I would do all I could to fade this one from their lives, especially as they have an A1 bio Dad.

@JadeMember I just wanted to say I admire you so much, you have dealt with a terrible, upsetting situation with dignity, fairness and humour and your children are extremely lucky to have you as their mother. Your stepfather is a legend too! Your ex is not worth a penny and you are well rid! 💐

I'd be very wary of him OP. You said in a previous post that your DC are not yet 15, so still quite young. I'm not sure I'd want my 14yo DD going alone to meet this sneaky, manipulative prick. Can you veto it until at the very least her brother can go to be with her? I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with either going without a responsible adult there keeping an eye out for their best interests.

He’s a manipulative man who’s exploited and abused vulnerable women, and been abusive to you op. If you let her see him you need to sit down with them and explain he lied to you and to other women, he was selfish and unkind and didn’t care about other people. And that you understand they miss him and you do too, but he is a different person from who you thought he was. In hindsight there are behaviours you should have said no to, and it is because of his actions that he is out of your life now, he is not a good person to keep in your life. Tell them he will probably tell them he has no home and they will be sad for him, but what you want them to remember is that sometimes doing the wrong thing has real consequences for people, and the consequence for him is that none of you are support for him any longer.

OP, I actually would strongly vote against this.

He is a bad man, who targeted a mentally vulnerable woman.

He is a liar and a cheat, he prepared to move out and buy a house without you knowing.
He doesn't give a fxxk about your children.
Please don't be naive.

I believe he could want rid of the dog and will try and manipulate the children to take it, and eventually you will be put under pressure by your children to cave.

You are too vulnerable now to say no about the dog.

Tell your daughter that you are making a parenting decision that is best and that they will not be seeing him.

This IS a parenting decision, I wouldn't allow them near him.

I wouldn’t want this person near my children OP, he is trying to guilt tripping you all.

Honestly op I’ve had an ex like yours . I’d advise not to let the kids near him. Yours have a present father . This guy is now just an ex.
He is using your kids . He has ruined everything with everyone else , he’s lost control of your situation and he goes and upsets kids to get what he wants. I will be honest I don’t think it will end well.
He will drop the kids as soon as his life is on the up again or he will end up back in your bed.

This WhatsApp group is another control move.

Your children in a group with a man who behaved like that with a vulnerable woman, and a group you're not in?

He's proved himself to be a manipulative user.

He will be intending to do one of two things (maybe even both):

Telling them lies about you, planting doubts about you in their mind ('I'm worried about your mum's mental health - it was a bit crazy throwing all that stuff out the window, the removal men all thought so ... I'm worried about your safety with her ...')

Or working on their sympathies ('I did a silly thing, now the dog and I have nowhere to go, we've lost our home ... Wouldn't it be nicer if we could all just get along, be a happy family again, be together? Could you have a word?)

I'd be telling them exactly what he did and why your answer is no.

But if you go ahead and allow this, which I strongly advise you dont, telling the truth is the only way to counter the lies he might be telling while your children are under his influence.

I had this, with an ex wanting to still see one of my children after we split. It's a difficult one. The difference is that my child was an adult so I couldn't really do anything about it. I found out later that he had been somewhat 'creative' with his version of events that led to our split. I was cross but I couldn't do anything and just told myself my children would see through him. It's really difficult because your children are younger.

If it were me, I think I would tell my children an age appropriate version of the truth about him, if you haven't already. If you try to stop them seeing him, it may come back to bite you later on. You have my sympathies, it's a difficult situation. I did stipulate that my child was not to give any information about me, should my ex ask when they met up. Maybe you could do similar too?

Hopefully, things will soon move on and once he meets someone else, he won't bother wanting to see your kids again.

I think it’s probably the dog that the DC want to see. They don’t need closure from exP if they are communicating on WhatsApp.

I agree with previous posters that this could backfire massively with him attempting to manipulate them.

I would tell your DC that you will be happy for them to have a meeting in the future, but it’s too soon now. Everyone needs to get used to the ‘new normal’ first (ie exP gets himself & dog sorted out - but no need to say this!). You could also explain that you want an adult to go with them & your step-dad would be best for this, maybe next time they are visiting.

Basically, put it off as long as possible without actually saying No.

Id be totally against this!!!

How dare he create a group chat and ask teenagers to meet him without you there. He’s being manipulative. Shut it down now, it’s becoming harassment

No this update isn't a good idea. Don't allow them to manipulate the children. Tell them to block him and ignore. You shouldn't facilitate any co tact between them, he is not their father. He'll forget about them as soon as he gets a new girlfriend anyway.

How much do the kids know op? If they're old enough to be on WhatsApp they're old enough to know the truth of it all in my opinion.

If I were you I would:

• tell the kids all of it, including his mortgage plans to up and leave you all.
• tell them he cheated.
• tell them they CAN see him and the dog, but not yet.
• they can meet up with him but not for at least a couple more weeks and when they do it will be both of them together, and with a trusted adult eg their dad or your step dad. This will need time to be planned so can't be done yet.

I would then message him via this group chat and tell him you have told the kids they can meet up with him soon but not yet, and that until then he will be blocked on the kids phones until you are able to set up a meet up.

I'd also have a brief chat with them about trusted adults and explain he is no longer on that list. That they shouldn't have secret chats with him, or meet up with him without you knowing. That if he approaches them in person they shouldn't go off with him and should tell you about it.

This is all what I would do based on them having WhatsApp. I'm going to assume they're minimum 12/13 or older. They can be told the truth.

He won't truly care about the kids one iota. 😡 He doesn't have it in him. He was going to sneakily get a mortgage and up sticks without any warning to you or your two kids he's lived with all this time. He was in a weird dynamic with a mum on your son's sport activity, not caring that it could have disrupted this for him.

He's a deeply selfish man without one bit of empathy or decency and I'd not be letting him anywhere near my kids. I'd be hoping the need to see him and the dog died down tbh. His need to see them will immediately die down once he has a new roof over his head. 😡

I know you're in no rush to be saddled with another dog but would you consider something else less tying like a cat? The kids may benefit from a new pet in the house to take their mind off dog moving out, and just because pets are lovely and therapeutic.