Page 6 | Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

JadeMember · 2025-02-21T22:21:12+00:00

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 22/02/2025 18:02

He absolutely knows that going is inappropriate. Not wanting to tell you because of 'how you'll react' is textbook for 'this is your problem' and a get out of jail card for when he's pushing / crossing boundaries - it makes it unreasonable of you to be upset that he's pushing boundaries, and provides him the excuse to continue to do so while not giving you the ability to raise it without looking like you're controlling.
His loneliness is even more of a red flag - he's a sitting duck for this attention.
If it were me I'd put it much more strongly that if he thinks going to France is OK then you are no longer on the same page about what is appropriate in your relationship and that you will consider him being unfaithful and / or entertaining an affair at the very least.
These things are insidious and the more you post the closer it sounds to affair territory and you need to firmly nip that in the bud.

Original poster

JadeMember · 22/02/2025 18:03

MsDogLady · 22/02/2025 16:53

Yes she is always inviting him somewhere … I never minded him doing stuff with the group and often he would bring my children too but lately it’s a lot of stuff on their own.

@JadeMember, boundaries are definitely being pushed. Your Partner has mentionitis and is frequently out and about 1:1 with this OW, not to mention the swim group activities. They are creating quite the fun and intimate space together in plain sight, and are enjoying the mutual validation engendered by their ‘adventures’. An inappropriate emotional reliance is developing.

Read ‘Not Just Friends’ by Dr. Shirley Glass. She explains how the evolvement of blurred boundaries and investment of emotional energy in a third party can threaten the primary relationship. Your P has opened a window to OW and he needs to definitively close it.

I also wouldn’t be impressed if he has been using my children as a cover while building a connection with this woman.

Edited

I just saw your post. My P is bloody going to France tomorrow. One might ask, how do I know this? Well, he just started bringing lots of food and drinks from his car ( he must have got it earlier today). So I asked what is it? Apparently the OW has asked him to buy some supplies for the journey. Then he asked me to magically create some space in our already full fridge. I walked out of the kitchen and I’m hiding in the loo biting on the towel to silence my scream of utter frustration. It turns out I do have a strong emotions but he never pushed the right buttons

OP posts:

mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 22/02/2025 18:11

You need to show him those strong emotions - don't hide in the loo. Tell him exactly how you feel. Show him how much you care and how unhappy this is making you. If he still chooses to go, you have your answer 🌸

mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 22/02/2025 18:14

So he'd already committed to going before 'asking' you?

I fear it may be too late, I'm so sorry x

Iambigfoot · 22/02/2025 18:14

JadeMember · 22/02/2025 18:03

I just saw your post. My P is bloody going to France tomorrow. One might ask, how do I know this? Well, he just started bringing lots of food and drinks from his car ( he must have got it earlier today). So I asked what is it? Apparently the OW has asked him to buy some supplies for the journey. Then he asked me to magically create some space in our already full fridge. I walked out of the kitchen and I’m hiding in the loo biting on the towel to silence my scream of utter frustration. It turns out I do have a strong emotions but he never pushed the right buttons

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Honestly the more you post the worse it gets. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Whatever his intentions are it's quite clear what hers are. All these events and outings that she just happens to have spare tickets for and only your DP gets invited to them? He's there for the taking if he's going along with this. He must know it's wrong. How would he feel if you suddenly started doing all this sort of stuff with another man? I don't think he'd like it somehow. You don't really know what they get up to when they're together - are they flirting or worse? He needs to get some male friends if he's lonely, he's a prime target for her as things are right now.

Original poster

JadeMember · 22/02/2025 18:14

pimplebum · 22/02/2025 17:59

Magnesium , hRT antihistamine get me to sleep
depression anxiety are symptoms oflife and menopause

give him a hug and ask how much fun he had , maybe go with him next time ?
id defo join the swimming thing as it’s good for mood

You sound just like my mum. I mean it as a compliment btw. She would tell me exactly the same thing. I do take Mg+B6 and I will make a gp appointment for hrt.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 22/02/2025 18:23

Apparently the OW has asked him to buy some supplies for the journey.

That's all a bit coupley isn't it?

Would she have asked the 'friend who dropped out' to pick up these supplies too? Or would she have sorted herself out.

You know the territory marking/creating a parallel relationship I mentioned earlier..?

It's all a bit 'hiding in plain sight' for my liking.

TammyJones · 22/02/2025 18:24

mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 22/02/2025 18:11

You need to show him those strong emotions - don't hide in the loo. Tell him exactly how you feel. Show him how much you care and how unhappy this is making you. If he still chooses to go, you have your answer 🌸

This
Lay the law down now.
( you sound lovely op - he's sounds like an idiot)

Original poster

JadeMember · 22/02/2025 18:26

Iambigfoot · 22/02/2025 18:14

Honestly the more you post the worse it gets. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Whatever his intentions are it's quite clear what hers are. All these events and outings that she just happens to have spare tickets for and only your DP gets invited to them? He's there for the taking if he's going along with this. He must know it's wrong. How would he feel if you suddenly started doing all this sort of stuff with another man? I don't think he'd like it somehow. You don't really know what they get up to when they're together - are they flirting or worse? He needs to get some male friends if he's lonely, he's a prime target for her as things are right now.

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I mean WTF is happening to my life. I posted yesterday and afterwards thought I’m being overly dramatic and unreasonable. And now this! DP is running around the house because he can’t find his passport. I know where it is. Should I tell him or let him panic for a while? He is really stressed but it makes me feel better

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 22/02/2025 18:29

I think you might be mistaken about knowing where his passport is tbh...

Perhaps if he'd spent less time running around doing her shopping, he'd have had time to look for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kittygolightlyy · 22/02/2025 18:31

You have to tell him no. No. No. No trip tomorrow. The ow should fck off and keep her selfish mitts to herself. She needs to go back to OLD, stop trying to steal your husband. It’s crystal clear. I say ‘steal’ because at this stage, from what you’ve said it’s all been on her side. Of course he’s putting on a good show if he’s lying but who knows.

Just think about how excited this woman is right now, anticipating her trip with your husband tomorrow. That should be enough.

GreyCarpet · 22/02/2025 18:33

Kittygolightlyy

Is spot on. Especially that last paragraph. This woman is seeing herself as one step closer to the goal and, tbh, she is.

mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 22/02/2025 18:36

Do not let him find that passport.

GreyCarpet · 22/02/2025 18:36

Seriously, OP, I've yet to see a thread on MN along these lines where it doesn't turn out to be something it shouldn't.

Even if it is just friendship on his part at the moment, it isn't on hers and, as I said earlier, this is how affairs happen.

It's not always sexually incontinent men picking up women in bars. Sometimes it's genuine connections. This is what they mean when people say, "I didn't go looking for it. It just happened.' The thing is, it can't just happen if you don't do stupid shit like this!

gamerchick · 22/02/2025 18:37

Tbh OP id pull the plaster off. Tell him you know where his passport is, but he's pushed a boundary to far. So if he goes off again alone with this woman, he can stay with her and you don't want him back.

Original poster

JadeMember · 22/02/2025 18:38

mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 22/02/2025 18:11

You need to show him those strong emotions - don't hide in the loo. Tell him exactly how you feel. Show him how much you care and how unhappy this is making you. If he still chooses to go, you have your answer 🌸

I’m just really frustrated and flabbergasted by his actions that’s why I am hiding in the loo. I wish I was a woman who can show the pain but I am not. I will not ask someone to choose me as I should be the only choice

OP posts:

Diarygirlqueen · 22/02/2025 18:39

Ahh OP I really feel for you. Hope it's all innocent and he's just building a platonic friendship but I would really hate this! You're a good woman, I would be off on one!! You need to set more boundaries in place when he gets back. The longer you wrote, the more my heart sank for you. Huge hugs xxx

mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 22/02/2025 18:46

You're not begging. At this point it's not the pick me dance - you're asserting your boundaries. There's a good chance he doesn't know how strongly you feel about this and it might shock him into stopping.
It's possible there's no attraction from him yet, but a day trip together, building shared memories, spending significant amounts of time together when she clearly has intent, it's highly likely his feelings will evolve.
Don't let your pride get in the way here.

Freeme31 · 22/02/2025 18:50

You need to get on top of this if you can't be vulnerable with your partner there is something seriously wrong in your relationship so go downstairs right now & tell him you don't want him to go it's upsetting you etc. He is going to move on with her and you are standing sitting back accepting it. Fight for your relationship it maybe too late & he will go anyway but at least you will have tried to save it.

Never2many · 22/02/2025 18:53

OP, I would ask him how he would feel if you were going on cosy little trips abroad with another man. How he would feel if you were taking out joint memberships with another man with your joint address on them.

I would hide his passport fwiw and then put it back tomorrow after she’s gone.

But seriously I would give him an ultimatum. He can go, but don’t expect to come back to you.

Whose house is it? Because if it’s yours I would bag up his stuff and change the locks while he’s gone.

TammyJones · 22/02/2025 19:05

Kittygolightlyy · 22/02/2025 18:31

You have to tell him no. No. No. No trip tomorrow. The ow should fck off and keep her selfish mitts to herself. She needs to go back to OLD, stop trying to steal your husband. It’s crystal clear. I say ‘steal’ because at this stage, from what you’ve said it’s all been on her side. Of course he’s putting on a good show if he’s lying but who knows.

Just think about how excited this woman is right now, anticipating her trip with your husband tomorrow. That should be enough.

This 'almost ' happened to me.... I just couldn't believe a 'sister' would be so manipulative... tell him he's not going - Period ..
(Ignore any tantrums - it's for his own good)

Iambigfoot · 22/02/2025 19:17

JadeMember · 22/02/2025 18:26

I mean WTF is happening to my life. I posted yesterday and afterwards thought I’m being overly dramatic and unreasonable. And now this! DP is running around the house because he can’t find his passport. I know where it is. Should I tell him or let him panic for a while? He is really stressed but it makes me feel better

Show quote history

I would hide his passport about your person so he can't find it. Can't believe he's still thinking of going. You need to tell him straight it's not on. She can't wait to get her filthy mitts on him. I'm really sorry it's turning out like this, I was hoping at the beginning that it was just an innocent night out last night but it's not is it. Maybe if he hears how you really feel about it he'll realise how much you care. It's not too late to stop this hopefully

MsDogLady · 22/02/2025 19:24

@JadeMember, it shows strength to assert your reasonable boundaries. Don’t sit by passively while P is disrespecting you and breaching the parameters of monogamy.

He is shining you on. He is firmly in Emotional Affair territory, but is not going to admit that. He and OW absolutely do share an attraction and their cozy, coupley excursions are ramping up. She has clearly set out her stall and P is all in. His priority is pleasing her and he is basking in her attention.

Stop tolerating his disloyalty, @JadeMember. This ‘date’ to France needs to be shut down pronto, and he needs to cut contact with OW. You will be doing yourself a great disservice if you don’t draw a red line.

I wouldn’t stay with my H if he was acting like a single man.

Ohnobackagain · 22/02/2025 19:32

@JadeMember honestly he needs to hear that he is dangerously close to crossing the line. After all your updates, it seems she is either making a play or enjoying making waves … even if he has no attraction/no intention … SHE does and he needs to put a stop to it. Even a kindly ‘you really need to see others from the group - not just me’.

He needs to come to his senses and step back. You could say that following your chat earlier you expected him to decline and you were letting him work it out, not getting into telling him not to. And now he hasn’t done it for himself you need him to
hear that this is ringing major alarm bells for you!

MsPavlichenko · 22/02/2025 19:43

JadeMember · 22/02/2025 18:38

I’m just really frustrated and flabbergasted by his actions that’s why I am hiding in the loo. I wish I was a woman who can show the pain but I am not. I will not ask someone to choose me as I should be the only choice

Show quote history

You are not asking him to pick you. You are simply telling him your boundaries, and what you expect his to be. He might be genuinely surprised, or relieved. I doubt it, he knows she fancies him now regardless of what he is telling you or himself.

This is not you being emotional or needy. It’s you being honest. He already is aware you have concerns so spell it out clearly for him. If you’re feeling bad now, imagine how you’re going to feel if he goes.

Hopefully he’ll pull back, dial it back with her, and concentrate on your relationship. If not, well you’ll know where you stand.