Page 2 | Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

JadeMember · 2025-02-21T22:21:12+00:00

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

BellissimoGecko · 21/02/2025 23:14

Why did your h infiltrate a group of women so he could swim with them? Do they mind?

farmlife2 · 21/02/2025 23:18

BellissimoGecko · 21/02/2025 23:14

Why did your h infiltrate a group of women so he could swim with them? Do they mind?

They probably don't. It's probably like a book club where most of the members are women, men are welcome but just don't tend to do that sort of thing. You do get the occasional man. (I admit I do prefer it when it's women's only, but unless it's termed 'women's book/swimming club', they're generally open).

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 21/02/2025 23:19

Non-peri people make assumptions too..just one of those things.

Original poster

JadeMember · 21/02/2025 23:20

DorothyStorm · 21/02/2025 22:36

I think it is more odd that a boyfriend of yours is taking your son to a sports event and not either of his parents 🤔

Why is that odd? My DP lives with me and my children for 10years. He is fully involved in their lives and so is their father. Unfortunately their father can’t very often attend that particular sport event due to his work but my partner is happy to help out.

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caringcarer · 21/02/2025 23:20

It sounds like a bit of a miscommunication. He probably didn't know exactly what he was going to and you are tired and hormonal. I'd not mention it or be worried tbh. If he was cheating he'd not be sending you photos. You probably just need a good night's sleep. Try to do something nice together.

LostMyLanyard · 21/02/2025 23:21

DorothyStorm · 21/02/2025 22:36

I think it is more odd that a boyfriend of yours is taking your son to a sports event and not either of his parents 🤔

Don't be ridiculous! 🤦‍♀️

gavisconismyfriend · 21/02/2025 23:23

JadeMember · 21/02/2025 23:06

I feel so silly to write that post now after seeing the comments. I don’t know something felt off for me but I’m also peri menopausal and not having a lot of sleep. Maybe I’m just delirious from lack of sleep. My DP just called me and he is on the way home. It was a silent disco and some part of money raised goes to a charity, hence charity event. He had a brilliant time. Is feeling paranoid for no reason symptom of PM?

Yes paranoia is another of the joys of PM! Be kind to yourself xx

HappyChappieDappe · 21/02/2025 23:28

Such an odd thread. I'm sure if he was lying he wouldn't have sent you blatant photos. So bizarre.

Original poster

JadeMember · 21/02/2025 23:28

BellissimoGecko · 21/02/2025 23:14

Why did your h infiltrate a group of women so he could swim with them? Do they mind?

No he was invited by the lady he met at my son’s sport. She is the organiser and it’s not just for a women but so far no other men joined. They do cold swim and then meditation or something. They ladies in the group loves my DP and he always comes back with a lot of home baked treats

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SkaneTos · 21/02/2025 23:28

I had to google what a silent disco is, but now I know!

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 21/02/2025 23:28

BellissimoGecko · 21/02/2025 23:14

Why did your h infiltrate a group of women so he could swim with them? Do they mind?

I do a lot of outdoor swimming and am a member of several different groups in different counties, they're all mostly women with one or two male members but they are not "women's groups" and none of them would see this as "infiltration".

steff13 · 21/02/2025 23:39

farmlife2 · 21/02/2025 23:18

They probably don't. It's probably like a book club where most of the members are women, men are welcome but just don't tend to do that sort of thing. You do get the occasional man. (I admit I do prefer it when it's women's only, but unless it's termed 'women's book/swimming club', they're generally open).

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We just added a man to our book club! He has added a lot to our discussions and brings good snacks. We've been pleased with the addition.

MummaMummaMumma · 21/02/2025 23:41

Why did you assume he was lying and nothing to do with charity? Why did you feel the need to Google it?

Wolfhat · 21/02/2025 23:41

Love a silent disco.

Its sad that its come to men going to open but women dominated groups as infiltration. I completely understand and agree with the need for women only spaces (and men only spaces) but there is plenty of space for lovely mixed sex groups. My DH does music and is the only male in one choir and they get on great. We also went to a yoga retreat together where he was the only man and we were the youngest by a good 30 years, he was fully adopted and it was lovely. He's now a sahd and i hate to think people would see him as infiltrating when going to non-exclusive but majority female childrens classes etc.

Im also part of a business group and one of only 2 women but am never made to feel othered and its really supportive.

Endofyear · 21/02/2025 23:49

JadeMember · 21/02/2025 23:06

I feel so silly to write that post now after seeing the comments. I don’t know something felt off for me but I’m also peri menopausal and not having a lot of sleep. Maybe I’m just delirious from lack of sleep. My DP just called me and he is on the way home. It was a silent disco and some part of money raised goes to a charity, hence charity event. He had a brilliant time. Is feeling paranoid for no reason symptom of PM?

You made a mistake and jumped to the wrong conclusion, no harm done ☺️ hope you get a good rest tonight 💐 perimenopause is a bas*d!

Original poster

JadeMember · 21/02/2025 23:52

MummaMummaMumma · 21/02/2025 23:41

Why did you assume he was lying and nothing to do with charity? Why did you feel the need to Google it?

Because unfortunately, my rationality absconded and my hormones prevailed

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Sladequeen · 21/02/2025 23:55

Yes anxiety and paranoia can be very real symptoms of peri unless you have other cause to worry. Lots of charity events involve music, I’d be more upset if he was doing a sponsored kissathon or at a strip club or won a charity date with another woman.
was the picture of him dancing with another woman and an unexpected shock?

duc748 · 22/02/2025 00:07

OMG! I am so old! I never knew what a silent disco was, I had to Google! They had it at Glastonbury ages ago! 😀

Isittimeformynapyet · 22/02/2025 00:07

MummaMummaMumma · 21/02/2025 23:41

Why did you assume he was lying and nothing to do with charity? Why did you feel the need to Google it?

Well obviously because she was feeling insecure.

That's not a failing.

Original poster

JadeMember · 22/02/2025 00:24

Sladequeen · 21/02/2025 23:55

Yes anxiety and paranoia can be very real symptoms of peri unless you have other cause to worry. Lots of charity events involve music, I’d be more upset if he was doing a sponsored kissathon or at a strip club or won a charity date with another woman.
was the picture of him dancing with another woman and an unexpected shock?

He took the photo so I don’t know if he did dance with someone but I’m not worried about that. The event looked very innocent. Just lots of people with headphones dancing on their own. It was 80’s music. I just don’t feel like myself and my only emotions are sad or angry. Oh and now anxious too!

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converseandjeans · 22/02/2025 03:44

It all sounds quite innocent & he sent you a picture so it's unlikely he is trying to hide something.

BlondiePortz · 22/02/2025 04:16

JadeMember · 21/02/2025 23:06

I feel so silly to write that post now after seeing the comments. I don’t know something felt off for me but I’m also peri menopausal and not having a lot of sleep. Maybe I’m just delirious from lack of sleep. My DP just called me and he is on the way home. It was a silent disco and some part of money raised goes to a charity, hence charity event. He had a brilliant time. Is feeling paranoid for no reason symptom of PM?

I can't see why you are using menopause as an excuse for being paranoid if he is lying, personally I don't see how he is lying but you think he has so menopause or hormones or whatever you want to blame is irrelevant if he is lying

Is this the first time in your life you have been jealous?

But you are suspicious of him now even if he is innocent so either he has done something wrong or not, only speaking for myself but I am tired of the justification of 'I am a woman so if I act irrational I am not responsible its my hormones' own it and work on your relationship if you don't trust him

BigDahliaFan · 22/02/2025 06:44

Get some HRT. In you. You’ll feel better.

Bernadinetta · 22/02/2025 07:03

DorothyStorm · 21/02/2025 22:36

I think it is more odd that a boyfriend of yours is taking your son to a sports event and not either of his parents 🤔

Wtf, how is this odd in any way? I have an 11 year old with my ex (she sees her dad EOW) and I also have a 3yo with my DP- we are a family of four and do things all together or in separate twos or threes. My DP picks her up from school, drops her off at her activities like Guides, takes both of them swimming (while I’m at work), drives her over to her dad’s. He comes to watch her schools assemblies and Stage School performances, has taken her to football matches. Why wouldn’t OP’s DP take her DS to his sports, especially as she said in her OP that she is at another activity with her DD at the same time.

CoffeeGood · 22/02/2025 07:17

BlondiePortz · 22/02/2025 04:16

I can't see why you are using menopause as an excuse for being paranoid if he is lying, personally I don't see how he is lying but you think he has so menopause or hormones or whatever you want to blame is irrelevant if he is lying

Is this the first time in your life you have been jealous?

But you are suspicious of him now even if he is innocent so either he has done something wrong or not, only speaking for myself but I am tired of the justification of 'I am a woman so if I act irrational I am not responsible its my hormones' own it and work on your relationship if you don't trust him

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What a horrid, mean thing to say. Obviously we can't really possibly know if there is something dodgy going on (looks like there isn't, thankfully from OP's updates). However, paranoia is a very real symptom of peri menopause and it's good to recognise that and accept the thoughts you are having might actually be triggered by hormones. I know this because I went from a very rational person to a severely paranoid, anxious, crazy woman at the onset of menopause. I was not only suspicious of my husband, who has been nothing but devoted and fabulous, but of my daughter, my sister and friends. I suddenly started suspecting motives behind every late reply to a message, every pause in conversation when I entered the room, every excuse for not meeting up. It was absolutely horrible until I realised what was causing it. I still suffer, but now I take pause and guess what...? Sometimes I ask someone else's opinion if I can't sort myself out.