Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

So my DP (46) does a cold lake swimming with a group of women. He is the only man and ladies are in the range of 40-70yrs. He got into the group through the lady he met through my son’s sport. I never met her as I’m at the different sport with my DD. So my DP called me today when I was at work and told me that the group is going to a charity event in the evening and someone pulled out, they need someone to fill the space, and if I would mind if he goes with them. I really don’t care tbh as my DC are with their dad tonight and I’m just happy having a me time. So my DP just send me a photos from the event and it’s not a charity event! It’s a silent disco😂. I googled the location and the name of the event that was on the banners in the photo. I don’t know why he lied. He doesn’t go out a lot and I don’t mind when he does go out. We don’t live in ‘each other’s pockets’ and are independent with our interests so I don’t understand why he lied. I don’t know if I should just leave it because I’m not really that worried or should I actually be worried about it and question it when he gets home?

Listen to Dr Ramani ‘It’s Not You’. On repeat.

I can’t believe all of this happened less than 2 months ago. It feels so much longer. I feel exhausted. We do have holiday planned with our friends in the summer and we are also going to see my parents so it is something to look forward to

hi @JadeMember!

how are you feeling today?

senidng love &

Again fine to feel sad

you had a life together

well done for being strong

it is hard

envious of being near a beach. Weather was lovely Friday

I feel up and down tbh. Thank you for asking. It’s the first day that I have no plans, children are with their dad and I’m at home on my own. My friends and parents still call and message but I told everyone now that I am done with analysing his behaviour and talking about him. I don’t know where he is, I didn’t hear from him, I don’t know how the dog is. I made myself some food for the first time in ages and I could eat it without feeling sick. There were days before when my dad had to sit on my bed and feeding me a few spoons of the soup just so I eat something.

Please keep remembering that it’s a marathon a sprint x you WILL get over this 💐

You are doing great. You are nudging through day by day and you can see you are making progress. You have been through so much - dont under estimate how exhausting grieving is Kubler-Ross outlines the 7 stages of grief as:

shock and denial,
pain and guilt,
anger and bargaining,
depression,
upward turn,
reconstruction,
and acceptance,

Its not linear often we ricochet between two before moving on.

Rest.

Keep going @JadeMember literally, one foot
in front of the other and repeat. You will get through this. Glad you are able to eat and not feel sick.

every day every hour is one step towards being ' better ' just one foot in front of the other sort of thing
one day the realisation will hit you that you've got through it.

10 years is / was a long time, I have no idea how old you are
but say you are 40, that would be 25% of your life

that is a huge chunk to ' get over '
but you will
one day

Beautiful you've gone through a lot in a short time.
Just be.

If you feel like crying, cry. Ugly cry, get it all out there. You may get a headache and feel emotionally drained after but it helps me massively. I call it a purge cry... Snot, dribble the lot until my tears have all gone.
The next day I feel so much lighter.

Be angry. If it's possible and safe to do so, smash some things up. Rage therapy is a good way to release emotions.

Get out in nature. Somewhere with trees and a lake and breathe. Listen to the sounds of the birds and breathe in mother nature.

Change your hair?
Get a tattoo?
Do/try something you wouldn't normally do?

But be kind on yourself darling.
We're all so proud of you 🫶🏼
And you've got this even when you feel like you don't x

You’ve made and eaten food. That’s a great sign things are moving in the right direction.

Make space for all the feelings. They will come in waves but they will shift and change like the weather. You can’t avoid the pain of this.

Dr Ramani has some good ideas about healing in her book ‘It’s not you’.

Be gentle with yourself. Don’t rush through. You can’t hurry grief. It’s has its own pace.

Make a list of things that bring you comfort or joy and do them.

One thing I find helpful is going back to songs or films or series from before I was with my STBXH to remind myself that there is a ‘me’ that predates him. Then I find new music, films or songs to help me discover the new me.

Im also trying to immerse myself in a ‘strong women’ zone. So actively looking for films with strong women in. Nyad is good. I am struggling to remember others. Brain fog. Or listening to strong female artists. I recommend Self Esteem. Brilliantly raw and powerful lyrics.

You will get through this you know. You’ve done amazingly. And you have us all right behind you.

Yes to all of that.

I do a good purge cry too. I even scheduled one in the other day because I knew I needed it but was super busy so when I had time I scheduled a cry! 😂😢😂😢 I had to watch ‘videos to make you cry’ but once I tapped into the well up it came.

I also like a bit of destruction to get the anger out - toilet rolls get on the wrong side of my wrath.

OP, these are all great ideas. Hope it helps a little to know you are not alone. We are here and for different reasons we’ve all felt seemingly unbearable pain at some point or will in the future. Somehow we do manage to make space for it and keep on keeping on.

You're doing a wonderful job. My best wishes to you as you move forward it will be healing for you all. Always remember you are surrounded by love and loving people.

I got rid of the anger when he came with the removal man. I’m not sure if I did post about it. The whole thing was too traumatic and not my proudest moment. He came a few weeks ago to pick up his sofa from the den and a bed from the spare room ( both his when he moved in ). We allowed the removal men in but not him. Then he said the duvet on my DS bed is also his and at that point I went a bit crazy. I stripped the duvet and chucked it outside from the window. He had some of his stuff in the kitchen so I opened the window and started throwing pots and pans, food mixer, plates, cocktails glasses, cutlery etc at them while him and two removal men tried to catch everything. I was also swearing lots of profanities in the process. Not my finest moment but so cathartic. The only things left, which he came to collect on Friday was a painting and his passport. Before I lost the plot, I saw the order sheet from the removal men and they were taking it to a storage unit. I was broken afterwards and we sat at home and had a stiff drink ( or a few ) with my dad to calm ourselves down

He deserved it all. Good on you for not allowing him in. Bet the removal men had a good gossip about how awful he must be!

Thats great - you are thru the anger stage of grief. Dont fight the depression stage - embrace it - its a slowing to rest, recharge and regroup. Dont minimise what you have been through. Self compassion - pay attention to feeling your emotions so that you and process them and in time heal and move forward.

I dunno Op but that sounds bloody magnificent. The difference between that glorious rage and one of your first posts where you were hiding with shock in the loo. He must be wondering who he’s messed with!

I hope he was scrabbling around trying to pick up his knives and forks out of the dirt and then had to take them back to whatever hovel he has hold up in to wash them in the bathroom sink with his pants 😊

I did apologise to them and they did say they have seen it all😂

I was brave because I had the support there. It would be a completely different story if my stepdad didn’t come over. I was feeling safe to let my emotions out

You are absolutely right and I know I am trying to fight the depression stage but I also know that the only way it’s through it. It reminds me of the play I saw with my DC when they were little. Something about hunting for a bear. There were some obstacles and you couldn’t go over them or under them so you had to go through them. Funny things you remember from 10 years ago!

We are going on a bear hunt - Michael Rosen

We can't go over it
we can'r go under it
Oh No !
we've got to go through it

funnily enough another MumsNetter quoted it in a different thread the other day as her reply.

Thank you those are brilliant suggestions. I kept listening the old song by Kelis I hate you so much right now.

Love love LOVE the rage outlet!! 👏🏼 🫡
Well done you.

Now grieve? You must in my opinion.
Mourn your loss, it's absolutely ok to do so. Just don't stay there too long x