To have been this honest with my husband?

[Wallflowersunite]

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

Do you think a fairer description would be that you don't miss the chaos that comes with having additional children in the house regularly as you have a lot on your plate right now?

It doesn't answer the question, it's weasel wording intended to give the impression she's missing them without using those words. It's a deception, not a less abrupt way of answering.

That’s a politician’s answer, and likely to only piss off someone that is looking for 1, a straight answer, and 2, the truth.

OP wasn’t cruel or abrupt in her delivery, simply direct.

He’s not going to choose your kids over the others. Pushing for that would make you a foul human being. Support him to fight as hard for his children as you would for yours. It’s nasty, manipulative and abusive to make him choose. The only decent thing he could do as a father is to let you walk away.

too late he’s already chosen us @StormingNorman for the safety of my children before he ends up losing them all

Why would he let me walk away from a family who love and support him and who he’s a wonderful man to?

I’ll never apologise for keeping my children safe. Perhaps you should feel sick at his ex making false reports to social services and who will stop at nothing to cut contact? What’s the alternative? We end up under supervised care because of a bitter ex?? I will not expose my children to that

Wow 😑

His older children will really hate you in time. And he might too.

PS. I really hope these posts aren’t real.

I think you could have said honestly, quoting your own words,

“I loved them being here before all this”

And then initiated a thoughtful, calm conversation about it. But it’s not easy when you are put on the spot like that.

I’ve been abused and battered my whole life until I met my husband but thanks.

I'm sorry to hear about your past but it doesn't give you a pass for your present behaviour. I stand by what I said.

And so the abused becomes the abuser…

I think that some posters on here have no idea what it is like to be on the recieving end of a malicious report. By making this report the ex has thoughtlessly dragged OP and her children into an absolutely awful situation, having to supervise visitation of her own child. This could have caused all sorts of issues for OP's children, and possibly also cost her her job (in some professions). While OP clearly understands how much DH loves his children, having them renew contact also probably feels to OP like increased threat of this kind of thing happening again. Much as she may care about her stepchildren, I think in her shoes if someone asked me if I missed the children my first thought would be the fear of what ex might do once contact resumes. It is shit what ex has put her children through but she never had to drag OP's children through an investigation just to serve her own ends. It's so thoughtless.

I also think that after what ex has done OP is right to prioritise the safety and wellbeing of her own children. It's no longer just about supporting DH but actually about protecting her kids. I think it is fine to set a boundary and say that is a risk I can't tolerate. OP doesn't need to accept this in her own home and if that means breaking up to keep her kids safe it sounds like OP was prepared to do that.

Why shouldn't they hate their mother who actually caused the situation? It's their mother that has put OP's family at risk and sabotaged their relationship with DH's kids.

You’re right to protect yourself and your own children. Supporting your husband does not come before everyone and everything else. You’ve stated your boundary, been completely honest with him, and allowed him to make his own decision. He’s a grown man that’s fully capable of that.

Why post given that you stand by the things you said and say everything is fine with your DH and he understands? If that’s the case, I don’t understand your reason for posting, unless it’s just to argue. Seems odd given your responses to anyone who disagrees with your take on things.

Thank you for all the kind responses. I really appreciate them. Of course I feel like a horrible me person for being scared about contact given the situation. No one asked to be in this situation, least of all the children but I refuse to let my husband try and be a martyr and it end up ruining our lives and our children’s lives. It’s been hell and unfortunately there’s no right answer.

There is a right answer.

Please enlighten me