To have been this honest with my husband?

[Wallflowersunite]

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

YABU for being so brutally honest with your husband. It wasn’t necessary and you should’ve just gently lied (and I hate when people lie but in this case, he must’ve been so hurt and won’t ever forget what you said. He’s fighting to see his kids and you basically said you couldn’t care less - to his ears in that instant).

YANBU - obviously you’ve got loads going on and you were just being honest. I get that too. One of those things, but you can’t take it back now.

Agree with PP, best thing to do is probably talk things through with each other. Rather than let it fester.

He already knows this and he’s more than happy to be with me.

Sounds like you both deserve each other tbh. Those poor children being raised in this mess.

They’re being raised by their mother who is denying access for genuinely no other reason than she wants my husband out of the children’s lives so I totally agree!!!

Unbelievable that posters seem to think lack of motherly adoration from a woman they must barely know is the thing that is damaging these DC, and not the appalling and unhinged behaviour of their own mother… 🤯

No, I think all the adults in this mess are damaging the DC.

OP has been supporting their father in his fight to be an active part of their lives. Not sure anything more can reasonably be expected of her at this point.
Pour toxic waste on a patch of earth and a garden will not grow there. Know what I mean?
OP cannot manifest all these feelings she’s allegedly supposed to have for these children all on her own. Humans don’t work that way.
I do hope once mother dearest is back in her box they can begin to build a stable home life for the DC and OP will build a better bond with them in time. But right now, it’s too big an ask for someone who has her own heart and DC to protect.

I honestly don’t see what more myself and husband can do. We’ve been through courts, we’ve been through hell to be honest just trying to get access and keep everything as normal and healthy as possible. We’ve done everything by the book, it gets to a point where you need to accept defeat in an uphill battle unfortunately

I didn’t say showing diplomacy and empathy was appalling. I said lying to him would be appalling. You framing lying as diplomacy doesn’t stop it being a lie. If she can show diplomacy and empathy without pretending she misses then I’d agree that was the better thing to do. But no one’s suggested how she could have done that, so I’m thinking it’s probably a difficult one to come up with on the fly.

I don’t share your certainty about his knowledge of her feelings towards his children. I think lots of parents kid themselves about how their partners feel towards step-children. It’s not good for the anyone in the family.

At what point would you accept defeat and losing access to the baby you’re carrying?

It’s a bit different for mums. We only had his children EOW and now there is a potentially significant threat posed to the safety of our children on the back of this malicious report. I.e. his ex could do it again only this time accuse me or accuse us both and we go through all this again and she’s proven she’s more than capable and willing to do it. She doesn’t want my husband in their lives and I refuse to let my own children be collateral damage. Unfortunately there is no winner in all this.

I’m guessing he left her for you (or it’s a bit murky).. is that why she’s so bitter?

Poor children (all of them). It’s Always them who suffer. They fck you up your mum and dad etc.

I just think there's a difference between saying outright "I don't miss your kids" and saying something like "the house just isn't the same without them".

I don't feel as though the latter is a lie - it's just a nicer, less abrupt way of answering the question.

your guess would be entirely wrong. She’s bitter because he didn’t want to marry and he married me within 3 years and was openly very involved in the wedding.

And my children are fine thank you, in fact we’ve have to take steps and decisions to protect them from this mess that we haven’t caused

Your DH shouldn't have started a new family with a woman who was "indifferent" about his existing children and who, by her own admission, doesn't care whether contact ever resumes again.

You shouldn't have had children with a man who already had kids you don't care about.

And the ex shouldn't be playing games.

She wasn’t like this at the start. I’ve become indifferent because the relationship has soured and has put a massive strain on us mentally and logistically due to the malicious report. I’ve become indifferent because of how messy it is when they are here and because of the potential consequences that could be harmful to my children and me because of his ex. I loved them being here before all this but I have my own children to protect

So, if all that's true, then why the bloody hell are the pair of you bringing another baby into this mess?

That’s all just noise but doesn’t answer my question. You want him to give up on his DC. At what point would you give up on your DC?

You kind of did by getting involved with a man who already had 2 children with his ex, then having children with him yourself. As you say, there are no winners.

Because our relationship is fine thanks and we aren’t not having much wanted and planned children because of his ex

I wouldn’t but he’s going to lose them all if he doesn’t make hard decisions

You and I clearly have very different opinions on what "fine" means.

Those poor bloody children. What a mess.

again my children are fine being brought up in a stable household by 2 professionals who have their best interests at heart. I refuse to let the actions of a jealous, bitter woman affect my children. Look after your own home.

I think it was quite weird of him to ask you tbh!

If you are so certain that your brutally honest response to him works for you and him - I don’t know why you’re here asking a public forum opinions? So far - all you’ve done is mainly reply to anyone who says ‘maybe not the best way to have replied in that way’ is - but that’s how we are with each other and it works it’s great etc etc. If that’s the case - great, what are you asking us exactly? If brutally honest works for you - fine. Doesn’t seem it it’s working for him tho mind you - but if it’s doing it for you…. 👍🏼