To have been this honest with my husband?

[Wallflowersunite]

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

My experience is the opposite.

I think it’s too complex to say yes or no with AIBU. What sticks out is the question, do you miss the kids not only about physically missing their presence in the home but more than that. Do you miss seeing your husband as a dad? Seeing your partner being gentle, loving and kind towards this small human that is half him? This is a part of your husband’s character and that for me, I would miss fully and utterly if we didn’t have DC. I fall in love with my husband over and over again when he’s being a great dad to DC (especially when they have a beautiful bonding moment).

So by saying no, that you don’t miss them, you are also saying that you don’t miss seeing your husband as a father figure / family man. I would find this hard to take if it was reversed. That’s just what I got from it.

My mum was always brutally honest. My partner often is too. They can't help it - they view it as being straight, but it can be very hurtful. A white lie is sometimes the kind and emotionally intelligent thing to do.

In that case, he was a bit daft to ask you!

If you see brutal honesty as the only right way, then why did you post to ask if you were being reasonable?

I don't think you just need to treat the response as final. Can't you speak to him again and say I just wanted to clarify something, when I said I didn't miss them it was clumsy phrasing and I worry it has left you with a misunderstanding of my affection for them. I love/care for your children and my step children a huge amount. I love having them with us and I am so proud of you in fighting to allow us to keep that precious relationship. You have done 100% the right thing. They are part of our family. When I said I didn't miss them, I should have instead said I have been so busy and preoccupied with things (including a baby and being pregnant, both pretty intense things) that I have not felt lots of time to miss them. That has been a blessing in many ways. I have however always also had the comfort that they are safe and the faith that you would succeed in fighting for them to come home. And I can't wait for them to come home. I'm very excited to see them. I'm so sorry if I gave you any other impression with my initial response.

Something like that?

Ah I think he was just hoping to connect with you. But even though he is sad that he is alone in feeling like this, I'm sure he appreciates your honesty. I hope it gets sorted soon for him. It must be hard.

This is appalling advice.

He does need to know that OP does not have the same sense of love for his children that he does. He needs, for his children's sake, to make his decisions about his life knowing what OP's commitment is to them and how she really feels about them.

Being "diplomatic" gives him the impression OP has a bond with his kids that isn't dependent on him. this is untrue and it is dangerous for him to think about his and his kids life (and his life with OP) as though it is true.

This isn't about being honest because brutal honesty is some sort of independent good. It's about him really understanding the family he is living in and bringing his kids up in. Deceptions about that, whether it's OP lying about how she feels or him lying to himself about how she feels, can hurt his kids.

Edited for typos

It sounds like you haven't had much of a chance to build a good relationship with his children. If his ex kept stopping contact then of course you'll find it hard to have a good relationship and without a good relationship I suppose you wouldn't miss them much.
I may be reading too much in to it but do you think you feel slightly resentful of them? Just because of the stress their mum causes. It isn't their fault but I wonder if you find visits stressful it spoils your time with them.
Maybe you and your DH need to review your totally honest policy. He can't expect you to be honest and then get in a mood when you are. I would have lied in your place but I have a really good relationship with DSD so I would miss her if I didn't see her for a couple of weeks, never mind months.

I don’t think your honesty was brutal tbh, just honesty.

If I ask someone a question I’m asking for the truth. I’m not asking to be lied to, or to receive a vague, ‘diplomatic’ non-answer.

The truth can be uncomfortable, but he can trust you to respect him enough to be honest with him. YANBU.

I'm autistic so honesty is really important to me. I don't manage very well with fake truths or lies, and I just find it all a bit too confusing, tbh. I like people to be straightforward with me.

However, I do think in your quest to be unflinchingly honest there is still room to consider another person's feelings. And that's what I don't think you did very well. I like honesty but if someone was hurtful, it would still sting.

Rather than essentially just saying "nope" I think you could have reframed it while still telling the truth. It sounds as if you have a fuckton of stuff going on, so it would have been truthful to say "in all honesty it's been so busy recently, I haven't had the time to miss them. I don't mean for that to sound uncaring as I know this is really hard for you, but I've not had the mental space to give it any thought."

That sounds to be true based on your comments here, is honest enough that it meets the criteria you and your DH want to stick to, but it also spares his feelings a bit.

Lots of people would care whether a significant person in their child's life cares enough about them to miss them if they weren't around. A grandparent for example. You see plenty of threads on here with mums upset that their parents aren't bothered about seeing their grandchildren. You might not feel that way, but it's fairly unusual. As a stepmum you may not be biologically related or in a parent role, but you're still an important person in their life and it is a bit of a shame that you don't really give a shit whether you see them again or not (which is what you said later in the thread, not your OP). Maybe that's partly a response to the world of pain the ex has put your DH through, or maybe you're just too mentally full.

Your DH might have said today that he was hurt initially but understands, but there's a real risk this will rumble around in his semi-consciousness and pop out again at a later date if there's ever any conflict over his DC. Words have powerful consequences so I think even if you want to be "brutally honest" you do also need to think about how you word things and consider whether there's a kinder way to achieve the same goal that does less damage.

if someone said they didn’t miss my son, to be brutally honest it wouldn’t bother me, he’s my son at the end of the day, people have their own lives and worries and stresses which is normal in my opinion

Completely agree and I feel the exact same.....but I would of lied to avoid hurting his feelings. I get your honesty policy, but somthing like this is different. He was never gonna know what you were thinking secretly 😅

I like your honest approach. Being ND honesty is easier for me.

except I noticed your title is ‘To have been this honest with my husband?

and yet all your replies to posters thinking you were too honest - you’ve challenged them. So you don’t think you were too honest then? Have a think about why you asked the question - there must be another reason you wanted to post? Do you think you wanted to know others do not miss step kids? Or is it ok to not miss step kids?

the problem is not that you said you didn’t miss them, it’s that you didn’t miss them. I know they’re not your kids and this is why blended families are so difficult- you need to find a special place in your heart for those kids, otherwise it’s unfair on them.

You and you H have a different idea of your role and feelings to his DC. He clearly, like so many men in new relationships, believes you should feel for them as a mother. While on a surface level the easy option would indeed to have been to tell him what he wants to hear, that you want them around as much as he does etc, and agree you'd missed them, I think its actually more important you were honest to start to manage his expectations. You probably need a conversation about roles at some point before his DC return regularly, as you may find he wants you to give them equal priority for your time and feelings as your own DC, and not all step mothers want that. A shared understanding is vital from the get go.

That's not true! I miss DSS. Not as much I would miss my own children but I do miss him.

I totally understand you but I would try to word it differently. I currently see a lot of my parents-in-law and honestly wouldn't miss them if I didn't see them for a few months (I do care about them and wish them well). However, I wouldn't directly say this to my DH if I was asked.

Indifferent 😳 This is really concerning to me. If I was your DH and my partner was indifferent to my children from a different relationship that would have to be it. If contact resumes, I would work on building a relationship with your stepchild/ren. As this will be damaging for them, your DH and you in the long run.

This is what I wanted to say. I can understand why you don’t at the moment due to all the contact issues. But if they come into your lives again properly you need to be open to building a relationship, not just “indifferent”

Saying you do t care if you never see your stepchildren again is different from saying you do t like them? Not when you say it to the person who loves them most in the world.

Even said to anyone else you’re just playing semantics.

I'm not sure how it's "appalling" to suggest someone shows a little bit of diplomacy and empathy towards their spouse who is clearly hurting and struggling, @RawBloomers

I'm sure he knows OP doesn't feel the exact same way about them as he does, but a little of kindness on her part would have gone a long way, IMO. She just comes across as cold and uncaring.

You are an honest person. Your husband is an unreasonable person. You put up with all that shite about him sorting contact through the courts and did not walk away (I would have). He should be so grateful and he is not - apparently all your support and putting up is not enough for him. You have to make a happiness song and dance now. Wow.

I don’t miss them, that’s the truth and from my own point of view I’m indifferent about contact resuming

Maybe, in line with your policy of being "brutally honest", you should tell him that and give him the chance to leave and find someone who isn't quite so cold towards his children.

He already knows this and he’s more than happy to be with me. I knew what I signed up for, however, it took a very sinister turn when a malicious report was made. He understands we need to protect our own children too.

I think he shouldn't have asked!