To think my kids grandparents are terrible

[Ryleightown]

I just feel so sorry for my kids that they won’t get loving grandparents like I did. I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off. My mom had 2 more kids when I was a teenager and I had to help her relentlessly. Took them out every weekend to the park when I was a teenager and had my own life, had to watch the kids while she gave birth etc. And they’re not in my kids lives at all. In fact, I had my wisdom teeth out today and they couldn’t even help me out with the kids so I’m here quite angry and in heaps of pain (which is probably contributing to my bad mood.) I think 100% you should be prepared to raise your own kids when you have them but my parents should’ve lived by this rule too considering I had to help them raise kids when I was a child myself. And my DH’s parents are just as bad. His dad left when he was young and his mom is going through her own issues. Had given him up a long time ago. Our parents were so reliant on theirs when we was younger but absent when we have kids. It’s infuriating. Husband is out of town on business btw. That’s why he can’t watch kids. We get no support and fair enough not wanting to be in your adult children’s lives ( I don’t understand it) but your grandchildren too?

My parents and In laws saw my children twice a year at the most. So no they didn't really know them. I knew they loved them but they were certainly not involved.

I don’t agree at all.

From my experience with families at my kids’ school, to the many older people I come into contact with through my job and also through the sport I play, all I see is loads of grandparents tiring themselves out and making themselves available to look after their grandchildren at any given moment, no matter what else they were planning to do.

I know some who drop off and pick up the children literally every single day. Others who often have to cancel what they were going to do at the last minute as they now have to look after their grandchildren.

I think there is far more of this going on now than there ever was when I was a child.

Sorry this is nonsense. Studies have shown that a high proportion of the boomer generation provide childcare and they even change their working patterns to help.

I found the statistics about the huge rise in grandparents doing child care (regular or occasional) for their DGCs. I know it's not entirely OP 's point, but you really can't generalise that the whole generation is less involved, when so many more are giving a life impacting amount of support, both in person and financially.

Providing childcare for your grandchildren
In the past two generations, the number of children being cared for by their grandparents has increased substantially from 33% to 82%. Almost two-thirds of all grandparents regularly look after their grandchildren.

https://www.sunlife.co.uk/press-office/news/grandparents-childcare-salary/

I'm a grandparent. I've raised three children alone and now I'm raising my granddaughter because her feckless parents care more about themselves, drugs and alcohol to be parents.
I never expected help with my kids and most of the time didn't get any. It's nothing to do with generation. I could say that this generation of parents expect too much and then go NC with their parents over things that I would try and sort out but that would be unfair because it doesn't apply to an entire generation.

And if you had looked at the message I was replying to you'd see it was to an apology from another poster.

She had said she'd been happy to leave one grandmother 'rotting in a care home'. I'd pointed out that, as someone who had had to get a care home place for their mother having kept her going in her own home with Alzheimer's for six years (so no, 'according to me it's not OK to leave elderly people to sort their own stuff out' as you kindly put it), that was very upsetting. And that it shouldn't be tit for tat. She had the good grace to apologise for the word 'rotting' and I'd thanked her for that.

What I was trying to say was, in general is it really OK to say 'well, they didn't help me so I'm not helping them?' A lot of people have said on this thread that they think grandparents should show an example to grandchildren. Very true. But that also applies to parents. Do we, as parents, really want to instil in our children that you should only help those who help you or please you in some way? What if we, as parents, don't behave in exactly the way our kids want? Should they then refuse to help? What's an acceptable level of behaviour from parents to their kids/grandchildren? Do you leave an elderly person to fend for themselves because their interest in the grandchildren didn't match expectations?

I totally agree that the OP's family sound pretty much useless in not helping.

However, from the whole point of the thread - not helping when OP had her teeth removed - having not long had wisdom teeth removed myself (so I do know what it's like) I'm a bit concerned that OP's DH didn't rearrange his work to help her. I had a month's notice that mine had to come out - it's not normally something that's done on the spot. So maybe there's a bit to say there too. Do partners get included in this 'tit for tat' attitude? If so we'll be tallying up a lot of resentment in our lifetimes!

I'm not disputing that just answering the statement that op generalises all GP it can be argued by some all parents are shit too....both crap.

Op why don't you expect your DH to support you.....he could take leave..as has been asked already.

@LondonJax you keep mentioning tit for tat , that is not what this is about but obviously mutual support is a good thing, you know that like everyone. It helps build relationships.
So, can you answer your own question; what is acceptable? do you leave a parent recovering from surgery/Illness to look after kids on their own (if their dh is away or has to work ) or maybe just offer a bit of help , it’ll prob just be a few hours at best .
No, I don’t understand people who could help but don’t .
@Ryleightown did your family know that you had your wisdom teeth out today ?
Also @LondonJax kids like mine notice when no family ever helps or offers or spends time with them , it’s very clear now to my teenagers. What does that instil in them about my relatives?
Of course the ops dh should have been around to take over but maybe he has to work and they need the money etc etc .
My dh is great but there were times were I was on my own as he had to work and I was alone with 3 very small kids and sometimes/ had minor surgery to recover from but I had to just get on with it as my family never helps ever .
I don’t think it’s good for kids to see that either . I actually volunteer and my actual job is all about working with people in very deprived areas , I believe very much in altruism but if people consistently don’t bother with you , don’t spend time with you it affects what you think of them and how you might react to them. In my case it has affected my relationship, that’s just a fact. My kids know I care about people. I think it’s very interesting as you mentioned sarcastically that I put it so kindly re leaving old people (which I don’t agree with btw) but you again totally missed the point.
You don’t think it’s ok to just abandon vulnerable older people (like most people) well I also don’t think you should abandon parents of children who may need help occasionally .

She said in her OP that "he was out of town on business"

Op your post is hard for me to read as I'm desperate for grandchildren and cannot wait to be part of their lives. You get back what you put in! My parents are so close to my kids, it's enriched all their lives.

You get notice with wisdom teeth he could reschedule

So he has such an important job that means he can’t help the mother of his children 🤦‍♀️

I think its such a shame that some GPs miss the relationships with their GC. My mum is reluctant, will look after them maybe once in 6 months but after lots of umming and ahhig and making me feel like I'm putting her out. She doesn't work and is fit, well and drives. I've stopped asking for help, now she comments that she hardly ever sees us, but that's because I work 2 jobs in 1 full time job and don't have much spare time. She even refused to pick up DD on her birthday from school as didn't want to sit in traffic for 10 mins. So instead she wrnt to after school club and mum visited her after 5pm when she was tired and eating tea.

But we don't really have other family either that help as DH family live abroad or a few hours away and dont drive and show no interest in visiting. So I think in comparison to them she isn't as bad!

I've stopped making any effort with the kids seeing them now and my sister is the same, if they want to see them, they can make some effort.

My parents are boomers. Brilliant grandparents. Always available for everything I need. I don’t really ask for much but I know if I need them they are there. Many of my friends have the same luck.

So no, not generational thing. Individual.

Yes same here…it’s so difficult to understand and really hurts

I think this generation of grandparents are a little different. They are more likely to be working longer years, and longer hours in those years. This does make them less available to help out.

My parents barely parented us so unsurprisingly they’ve been shit as grandparents. My DP mum barely used to bother either but it’s come full circle now she’s elderly and would love the time and company of my young adult DC.. they just feel awkward with her so barely see her. I’m not going to make or even encourage them to. It’s not about tit for tat but it’s a natural consequence..You reap what you sow.

But research shows they are in fact helping out more than previous generations even with work.

You could go by actual research which shows that today's grandparents spend substantially more time looking after grandchildren than previous generations.
Of course that's on average so it doesn't mean that they all do.
Your parents sound like crap parents so it doesn't seem surprising that they are also crap grandparents.

In that case, good on them. I never had or needed grandparent care, except in a couple of emergency situations, so never expected it.

So again you only want gran for free childcare and help and can't be bothered otherwise. Isn't that just using people no wonder she doesn't bother.

This is absolutely exactly what happens. My mil was and is/was very difficult and completely unhelpful in any way . Wanted to be served and waited on when she visited even straight after me having a baby. So many other issues I won’t go into. My dcs have actually seen in for themselves, there was plenty of other issues. Bottom-line though she’s now starting to have health issues and struggling physically and would like my teenagers to take an interest do stuff for her and honestly we barely see her. She caused nothing but trouble when they were little , in a time when we needed a bit of support and empathy (not talking about childcare)
Reality is we are now very busy keep jobs going and managing 3 dcs in the grips of a cost of living crisis. We are just out of the early years and beginning to really enjoy our free time and lives. Reality the dcs don’t want to see her or travel to her , zero interest. It’s up to her to sort out what happens in the future with her care , same as us.

Meant to quote @Grapewrath above 👆 💯 agree

@jannier no it’s an natural consequence, the pp described how she’s working two jobs and keeping everything going . Did you not read that part , she has very limited free time anyway .
She only asked about her daughter getting picked up for an hour or two. Of course there should be no obligation for the grandparent to help but then there’s no obligation for the mother/grandkids to either. It’s not a great way for society to go but it’s what can happen obviously.