To think my kids grandparents are terrible

[Ryleightown]

I just feel so sorry for my kids that they won’t get loving grandparents like I did. I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off. My mom had 2 more kids when I was a teenager and I had to help her relentlessly. Took them out every weekend to the park when I was a teenager and had my own life, had to watch the kids while she gave birth etc. And they’re not in my kids lives at all. In fact, I had my wisdom teeth out today and they couldn’t even help me out with the kids so I’m here quite angry and in heaps of pain (which is probably contributing to my bad mood.) I think 100% you should be prepared to raise your own kids when you have them but my parents should’ve lived by this rule too considering I had to help them raise kids when I was a child myself. And my DH’s parents are just as bad. His dad left when he was young and his mom is going through her own issues. Had given him up a long time ago. Our parents were so reliant on theirs when we was younger but absent when we have kids. It’s infuriating. Husband is out of town on business btw. That’s why he can’t watch kids. We get no support and fair enough not wanting to be in your adult children’s lives ( I don’t understand it) but your grandchildren too?

The fact that older people are living longer, independent lives, is also a benefit to society

I have to say, it's pretty infuriating for you, when you were so super helpful during your teenage years. It's very short-sighted of them to forget about that.
Well, who's going to look after them in old age?!
YANBU OP, but I would consider counselling so that you don't end up holding on to resentment.

@Redpeach oh definitely, long may my mil etc be independent as we aren’t/won’t be in a position to help.

Also and last comment but there’s been pp talk about “resentment “ and that’s no “way to live “. But actually it misses the point , it’s actually in a lot of peoples comments here , it’s acceptance that they can’t do anything about the relationship and walking away and living your own life with your lovely children , so the opposite of resentment.

People who complain that a whole generation is selfish also need to bear in mind that the Boomer generation has also supported their children financially more than any other generation.
I am sorry that some people have parents that are unsupportive but that is definitely not the majority.

I don't think it's an entire generation as I know lots of lovely caring grandparents of all generations, but my dad and my DH's mum have never really bothered with our kids that much and it was very frustrating. I didn't get any support when the kids were young and I desperately needed it.

It was and is very sad. Mine are grown now but my Dad lives in the same town as us and had the opportunity to really be involved with the kids but chose not to. It's odd because it's obvious he loves them and is interested in hearing (through me) all their news. He said recently that he hadn't seen my eldest (at uni now) for a long time. And I thought but didn't say 'yes well that's your own fault for not nurturing your own relationship with him you silly man'.

It's not even about babysitting, it's the wishing that they'd want to spend time with them. Ringing them up, buying them sweeties, visiting etc.

That’s what I’m saying. People on this thread think that interacting with or even acknowledging grandchildren is insanity. Feel sorry for some grandchildren and parents for that matter. Where is that village we heard so much about?

Have they??
What makes you think that?

Presumably the same research and statistics that I shared earlier in the thread.

I don't know anyone of my generation who had (or needed, thank goodness) help from their parents with a house deposit. Or to fund university. Or to contribute to nursery costs. All of my friends have done at least one of those for their children, and some all three.

Life is really tough for our kids, compared to us. I'm never going to argue that one. But many of us who have managed to save, are doing the best we can to mitigate the financial problems our kids face.

People on this thread think that interacting with or even acknowledging grandchildren is insanity

What? Where? I don't recall seeing a single post that said that.

If your parents weren't 109% committed to actually raising you, their own child and particularly your younger siblings it's no surprise they have no interest in being helpful parents or involved grandparents now tbh

I'll step in ?
As an unwanted grandma I yearn to be in my grandkids lives. It's horrible.
If I could join an adopt a grandma club I would.

My parents were really hands on with all of their grandkids. My in laws were hopeless/selfish almost and never offered to take my 2 ds.

my mum is an amazing granny - as involved as poss for aomeone who lives 3 hours away - my son adores her. my dad is a so so grandparent, maybe he'll be better once my son is older. my husband's mum is completely absent. my 10 year old son has met her a handful of times at larger family events and doesn't call her grandma. I don't know how she can be so crap and uninterested in her son and grandson but there she goes. she does absolutely nothing else BTW.

Look at yourself before slagging off your parents ( or your kids grandparents as you call them)! I've just come in from another thread where the woman is asking if she's being unreasonable by lying to get out of being called in from WFH to attend a meeting and she's blaming it on lack of childcare. Who's being self-centred?

100% feeling this. My parents and my husbandsParents used to send us all off to or grandparents absolutely loads. I remember waaaaay more weekends with my GP than I do my own home but god forbid we should ask either of them for help. Really winds me up

I don’t understand this response - she didn’t call u selfish ?

My DD is lucky to have amazing grandparents, but I had awful grandparents. I know my mum and dad are only helpful because they know what it's like not to have help

Shitty parents are unlikely to make great grandparents.

I know a young adult who was an only child until 15 and then her parents had 4 more children in quick succession. Both parents are very career-oriented and the older sister is expected to take the children to school when needed, pick them up and do after-school childcare on her WFH days and take the younger siblings to parties and playdates. She isn't paid for any of this. She's moving out soon against her parents' wishes and has told me that she never wants children of her own, which I find sad.

I feel for you and your children. As a child one set of ´
my grandparents were dead, one estranged and although a grandmother lived with us, I don’t remember her coming down for meals or having anything to do with us. My friends didn’t noticeably spend time with grandparents either. When I had my 2 children and had to work, mil had my kids until she moved ( we paid her. She didn’t ask but she couldn’t work if she was minding and we felt she needed the income) my parents didn’t live near but came to look after my daughter when she broke her ankle as I was teaching full time. My kids knew and loved both sets of grandparents and everyone’s lives were the richer for that help and love. Now I have a grandchild and know she is the only one I will have. We live a distance away but have supported my daughter and child from birth. As daughter was ill we were her bubble in Covid and regularly go to look after grandchild to give parents a break.She is almost as comfortable with us as with her parents. The other grandmother is pretty hands on too. We love it and her and get such a lot out of helping bring her up. I had retired by the time she was born which meant I had the time. A lot of grandparents still have to work and that will only worsen as pension age rises. Most grandparents I know are hands on, dropping a days work to childmind etc. Or like me they are older. Some are caring for parents too. I’m caring for my terminally ill husband now so we will soon be less help but I hope she will remember happier times spent with us and that our love has made a positive contribution to her life. Grandparents who aren’t in their grandchildren’s lives are really missing out in my view.

You’re expecting your parents and partners parents to give up their day, yet not your partner who should be there to support you!!

I could have written your post!We also have very much the same thing, however I think times are different now and circumstances are different too. I’ve realised that although it did used to annoy me, I understand that my parents work full time and just aren’t the same with my children as my grandparents were.
My in- laws when not working, always seem to have one or multiple of the other grandchildren too and we don’t want to burden them as we can see how much they’re ageing and should be enjoying their time together.
We just get on with it now, not everyday is easy but we know that our time will come eventually.

We managed had zero help over the years but yes it was hurtful seeing school mams with tons of help so I get your point op.

I don’t necessarily think it’s a generational thing but I completely understand where you’re coming from.

My DM does nothing to help with our kids. She’s had my DD once since she was born 5 years ago, and she’s never looked after them together (my DS is 2.5). She never asks how they’re doing, never asks to see them, isn’t bothered even when we do eventually meet up - she won’t play with them, she’ll just talk over them constantly with no regard to what they want to do. On the other hand, she stopped working 2 days to give my sister free childcare. Also has her DD occasionally for them to go out for the night. Even had her DD for a WEEK while they went on holiday abroad. And then wonders why I’m done with her.

my MIL and FIL on the other hand are so lovely. They really love their GC ( they only have our kids) and you can see it every time they ask about them and see them. They get on the floor to play with them. They ask to meet up when suits us. The love they outpour is exactly what I’d always hoped for for my kids. We don’t have childcare as we don’t live too close to them, however when we’ve asked if they wouldn’t mind having them for whatever reason, they say yes and they travel over to help us.

these 2 sets of grandparents are the same generation. But how different! I too had to take care of my sister for my DM. So i understand why it’s infuriating.

unfortunate, no matter the generation, there’ll always be crappy grandparents. And unfortunately they’re related to us!!