To think my kids grandparents are terrible

[Ryleightown]

I just feel so sorry for my kids that they won’t get loving grandparents like I did. I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off. My mom had 2 more kids when I was a teenager and I had to help her relentlessly. Took them out every weekend to the park when I was a teenager and had my own life, had to watch the kids while she gave birth etc. And they’re not in my kids lives at all. In fact, I had my wisdom teeth out today and they couldn’t even help me out with the kids so I’m here quite angry and in heaps of pain (which is probably contributing to my bad mood.) I think 100% you should be prepared to raise your own kids when you have them but my parents should’ve lived by this rule too considering I had to help them raise kids when I was a child myself. And my DH’s parents are just as bad. His dad left when he was young and his mom is going through her own issues. Had given him up a long time ago. Our parents were so reliant on theirs when we was younger but absent when we have kids. It’s infuriating. Husband is out of town on business btw. That’s why he can’t watch kids. We get no support and fair enough not wanting to be in your adult children’s lives ( I don’t understand it) but your grandchildren too?

You often don't get the same commitment when the grandparents are no longer together.

I honestly believe that if you have kids, you should expect to share responsibility of helping out if your kids give you grandkids. Especially if you’re retired and able to do so. I don’t think it should be every day and I don’t think grandparents should bend over backwards but they should certainly share the load - they are part of the village after all.

im very lucky to have my mom who idolises my children, and likewise so does my MIL. but I have friends with absent parents now and it breaks my heart for them.

Same here. I've been a very big part of GCs lives; holidays, school runs, days out etc. Can't imagine it being any other way but I know that everyone is different.
I hear you OP

My mum is a dreadful mum and very poor Grandmother. I’m no longer in contact with her, this is one of several contributing reasons. I think she preferred getting photos and videos sent to her on her phone rather than actually seeing the children.
oh, and I never asked for or expected any babysitting - just a bit of interest.

But OPs post isn't about wanting free cc or GPs giving up work or their lives. It's about wanting them to support and be part of GCs lives.
I didn't give up work ( wasn't an option) and have a fulfilling life independent of GC but I am still a very large part of GCs lives. Days out, school runs ( when available), holidays etc

Good.
Finally some time to live their own lives.
I don't have any children, one grandchild from husband's side and we never looked after her, neither were we asked.
The relationship is without problems.
I just don't get this.

My mum wanted to spend every single second with my children, she was my dads carer and they didn’t have a lot of money but she’d always make sure my children were spoilt when she saw them. Sadly she passed away. Still waiting for birthday cards from Mil, including one for DH

I agree. In my observation of people 20+ years older than me, many of them do assist with childcare for their adult offspring simply because thanks to soaring house prices over the decades, most of us no longer live in an era where a household can be supported entirely on one income, so both parents have to work. This is especially true in SE England where the property prices are often an order of magnitude higher than the average wage, unless you live in an area where you might get shot or stabbed if you go out at night. The days of the father earning the living and the housewife mother (as was the case in my childhood) are gone. If anyone is going to trot out the response of don't have children if you can't afford to raise them entirely yourself, stop and think for a minute. If people object to immigration and people object to supporting other people's children to the point where the birth rate drops through the floor, answer the question of how the country's businesses are expected to fill key vacancies, how the NHS is going to be adequately staffed to cope with demand, and who is going to pay the taxes to support the ever increasing ratio of elderly people to workforce? The UK's birthrate is already below replacement and the country is in danger of running out of money over the coming decades of which the dwindling workforce and increasing dependent population are big factors.

I've raised my kids and worked with kids. I'm still working now and don't have time to be watching gran kids.when I'm off it's cooking cleaning shopping paying bills etc on Saturday so I have one day to rest on Sunday. The difference is the gran parents nowadays are normally still working

My Mum died before mine were born and my Dad died when they were tiny.

The hardest part is watching mine grow up with Grandparents who babysat twice, used to give us money to get the presents and who lost interest completely once they hit five.

I know my parents would have spoilt them rotten, come over regularly to see them and given them money or sweets or other treats. My Dad would have taught them sport and my Mum taught them baking. And come to every show they were in at the local theatre or school or dance show.

It's sad and horrible and I really empathise.

I hate the attacks on the generations, and i think that is unfair.

I think this is often economics rather than love.

People don't have the luxury of retiring or slowing the pace as much as once might have been possible, and fewer and fewer families are able to survive on one primary bread winner.

My parents love my children but are both still working full time in their 70s and 80s. It simply hasn't been possible for them to support us bringing them up. And it was hard.

My kids are now in their 20s, so they are likely to start their own families soon, and my husband and I will still be working full time for at least another 15-20 years.... I'd love to have the luxury of downing tools to be a totally present grandma but I still have a mortgage to finish off, and a frankly, disappointing pension pot to try and bolster over the next 20, so I knownita bot going to happen. Fortunately, my kids aren't judgey about that - they get it.

At this rate, when grandkids come along, even their great grandparents will still be working.

We don't have the luxury of just being available, and neither did our parents.

They still love us all...

There is a massive entitlement issue on Mumsnet, they do not seem to be able to accept that actually grandparents were never free childcare for the majority, it was a fortnightly visit and if you were lucky the odd baby sitting time for the majority.

I think it’s a changing of the times. I know when I was little my GP’s helped out a lot but they were all retired and at a much younger age. All my GGP’s had passed on so they had no caring responsibilities either. When my sisters DC’s were little my DP’s were both still working full time so it was me that gave childcare during school holidays as I have always worked term time. When my DD13 was little my DP’s still worked albeit it four days a week for my DM but as well as working their also had caring responsibilities for their parents. Now both DP’s are in their retirement and GGP’s have all passed. They help were they can but their lives are much different to my GP’s when I was little and this has effected the level of support they can give.

My parents were fantastic grandparents. OH’s parents died young. We have four grandsons, aged 3-7, and we see them whenever we can and help out in school/nursery school holidays and after school. One set lives 175 miles away. We have them overnight or even for whole weeks. Both sets of parents go away, not often, and are happy for us to have them. We look forward to these occasions. Most of my friends look after grandchildren and many save their adult children thousands of pounds a year in child care fees. This is done willing, not wanting halos or thanks. We do get thanks. Our daughters are wonderful.
It is annoying that people make these generalisations. We are also Boomers but that’s another age bashing thread. We love our children and our grandchildren. We too worked hard and have lives, hopes and desires.

This is very true.

And I don't get you!

You are an amazing lady 💖

Wow

I agree

Yes, it's yet another way divorced parents impacts you further on

It's hard to feel that your parents are not supporting you your family life, but these generalisations are very unhelpful. I am probably around your parent's generation and literally all of my friends who are grandparents uncomplainingly put themselves out for their grandchildren, several of them driving over a hundred miles and staying in hotels each week, to look after them for a couple of days; also paying for activities and helping with other costs. I really don't think it is a generational thing.

I don’t believe it’s a generational thing. It’s individual. I was lucky enough to have lots of help from both my parents and pil when my boys were young and they enjoyed spending time with each other. The boys have had a wonderful relationship with them.
I’m 56 now and have one dgc with another on the way. I’ve looked after my gc 2 days a week for the last three years and also babysit weekends whenever needed and will do the same for the next one because I genuinely love to spend time with them. I have friends who don’t do the same because they simply don’t want to which is obviously their choice but I feel it can cause resentment in family dynamics.

Why is it unreasonable to expect the father to parent?

Don't you have a job? Most 56 year olds work full time

I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off.

Wow! What a sweeping generalisation!!

I am certainly not a hands-off grandparent. We (DP and I) do the afternoon school run 4 days a week and during school holidays I look after my Granddaughters 4 days a week. The girls Nanny on their Dads side does the other one school pick up and full days child care.

I am willing to do this because my DD and DSIL are in no way demanding, are very grateful and appreciative. My DSIL constantly checks its OK, says he doesn't want to take advantage.

Obviously I also love spending time with my beloved GDDs. We do lots of crafting and have a lot of fun together.