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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

507 replies

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 21/02/2025 11:25

Im going to take a wild guess that you also do the majority of household chores? Am I right?

BlueMum16 · 21/02/2025 11:25

Why does he want you work work full time?

VenusClapTrap · 21/02/2025 11:25

Yanbu. You won’t get this time back with your kids and it’s only one day a week. You’re already paying more than your share.

LadyLucyWells · 21/02/2025 11:27

No, I wouldn't do it either. Make the most of this precious time with your dd. That is far mor important that fancy holidays and savings at this point in your lives.

PumpkinPie2016 · 21/02/2025 11:28

I don't think your husband is necessarily being unreasonable here. He isn't saying it has to be now, he has suggested in a year or so. Potentially your daughter could be 2.5 years and a second child around a year old depending on age gaps.

Maybe he is feeling the pressure with a reduced household income? Fancy holidays aren't an essential but being able to save a bit can be massively helpful if something unexpected happens.

Maybe he would like time with dd? I assume it wouldn't be possible/acceptable for him to reduce his hours?

What did you discuss pre children about this?

I think a proper discussion is needed here, so that he can explain his reasons, you can explain yours and then hopefully come to a mutual agreement.

SnoopySantaPaws · 21/02/2025 11:31

Are you paying 60% of the household bills? If anything, he should be paying more because you have his children at the weekends? If money is tight, why is he not trying to earn more as he only pays 40%?

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 11:31

Why are you covering 60% of the living costs when you only "owe" your share and half of dds share? He should be covering half of dds share and 100% of the costs incurred from school living with you (even pt).

Nix32 · 21/02/2025 11:31

What does he think the benefits will be? You'd be paying for an additional day of childcare, so that would eat into an increased income.

Can't see any benefits myself - that day with your child is SO important. Hang on to it for as long as you can!

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/02/2025 11:35

Some context required I think. Why does he want you to go back? What do both of your work/life patterns look like? Is he a good partner?

WrylyAmused · 21/02/2025 11:35

I don't think OP is unreasonable at all - if she's covering more than 50% costs, it's fair enough.

But yet again the MN double standard - when the DH earns more, it's all "family money", including step children, cos "you and your children come as a package and he agreed to take you all on", but here the opposite is being said.

It can't be one way when the man earns more and the other when the woman does....

nope2025 · 21/02/2025 11:35

See if you can work 3 days, not 4.

Sinkintotheswamp · 21/02/2025 11:35

I assume he expects you to do everything and support his SC doesn't he? Is he doing 40% of mental load, housework and parenting right now? I bet he bloody isn't.

Tulipsandaffodils · 21/02/2025 11:37

You need to explain why he wants this, I understand you contribute more, but is there a financial need he is worried about?

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 11:40

WrylyAmused · 21/02/2025 11:35

I don't think OP is unreasonable at all - if she's covering more than 50% costs, it's fair enough.

But yet again the MN double standard - when the DH earns more, it's all "family money", including step children, cos "you and your children come as a package and he agreed to take you all on", but here the opposite is being said.

It can't be one way when the man earns more and the other when the woman does....

This
if she earns more she pays more, that’s always robustly stated when the man is the higher earner.

i understand you want a day a week with your kids. What if he went to 4 days too? I presume that wouldn’t be acceptable…

Original poster
Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:42

He’s more money-driven than I am, but happens to be in a lower paid industry with little chance of that changing unless he retrains and takes a big pay cut (which he’s never expressed an interest in doing). I think he finds it quite frustrating that I have the opportunity to earn a lot more, but don’t take it. He’s more ambitious and a much harder worker.

I’ve got no issue with going back to full time and career progression, just not while I have pre-schoolers.

We have no immediate financial worries. He’d like a newer car, an extension and more/better holidays with SC, but they’re all wants to me, not needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:43

He doesn’t want to reduce his hours. We had the opportunity for shared parental leave and he didn’t want it. He likes working.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 11:44

So you'd be going up to full time, giving up a day with dd, and in return, bring in a higher % so then pay in more to the bills meaning he would end up with more free money?

Is he happy you and dd losing out so he can line his own pocket a little more (on your income)?

fitzwilliamdarcy · 21/02/2025 11:44

What did you agree on prior to having your baby?

bossbossbaby · 21/02/2025 11:48

I'm with you. I went down to 4 days a week when I had babies and once all started school I've kept my day off. It gives me chance to do the school run (usually use before/after school clubs) and decompress (work is stressful at the moment). I also earn 50% more than OH even on 4 days a week, so don't feel bad.

(Tbf my OH doesn't work school holidays so it balances out a bit.)

gettingthehangofsewing · 21/02/2025 11:48

I work part time because dh finds work/kids/house/mental load too much so I take on more of the latter three. I'm not doing that and matching him at work.

Given it appears you earn more than him working four days I'd say it's reasonable to stay at current hours. I'd point out the benefits for you dc/home/your mental health

ZeldaFighter · 21/02/2025 11:48

My DH has spent my full-time wages 3x over already. I'm still part-time. However, he has yet to clean a toilet. Until he does, I'm not going full-time.

JHound · 21/02/2025 11:49

What is the split of childcare and domestic labour?

(Why do couples not have these conversations before children come along?)

ACynicalDad · 21/02/2025 11:49

He needs to step up and build his career and income.

JHound · 21/02/2025 11:51

Unless he is doing an equal and equitable share of all domestic and emotional labour (including childcare) I would tell him to fuck off.

But I don’t get why this was not discussed before kids / marriage

Moonnstars · 21/02/2025 11:52

Is he not realising that it might cost you to put your child in nursery an extra day, so therefore any money you gain is then spent on childcare?

I think he is delusional and if he wants more money then he needs to think about his job (and retraining as you suggest) as I agree the things he wants the money for are wants and why should you sacrifice time with your child if this is not something you also want.