To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

[Arabella3]

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

He might be more money driven but he's not more ambitious or he would be actively seeking a new better paid career for himself.

You're already doing more than 50% of the chores and admin and contributing more than 50% towards finances. You're doing more than your share.

It's a bit rich for him to work in a lower-paid sector with limited opportunities to earn more, and yet be so money-oriented.

I think I'd tell him that, if he wants more money, you'll support him to move to a career where he can earn more himself.

YANBU. If he wants to take your SC on holiday( and I assume you and your joint child) a new car etc then perhaps he can get a second job seeing how he doesn’t do much else in household chores he has plenty of time to do this

stand your ground

Would that extra day even be worth it after paying for more hours of childcare? It doesn't seem like you're struggling financially and you pay for more then your share.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

You're not unreasonable at all, OP: you work four days, you contribute more, you have no actual need to earn more. If your husband wants more, he's going to have to do something about earning more money himself.

Enjoy your day with your child.

In the past I have paid for holidays, but to be honest, with three active kids and a baby, it’s likely he’d be spending the whole time entertaining SC and I’d be alone with the baby. And I’m not up for losing time with her and paying 5-7k for a week of that!

He has expensive tastes and is much more motivated than I am. It’s always been like that. Our outgoings are high and he pays a lot of maintenance so it’s not like he’s got much left over (not me, now, especially with nursery costs). Getting a second job would be hard for him as he needs weekends free for SC and works very hard during the week already.

Yebbut that's when you're at your poorest. Children drain the bank account. You say you plan to have another. He'll be pulling his hair out at the cost of that.

I'd be cautious about having another baby with this person OP. You seem to have a balance, even though you're paying more. If he wants more coin, he can sort it himself. You're not an ATM.

I don't think YABU, you're already contributing more than him and doing more around the house, so why does he get to call the shots? How does he envision you both working full time once DC starts school? Breakfast and afterschool club every day?

This. What have we come to when a mother spending 1 weekday with her own baby is seen as a luxury.

His not more ambitious if he won’t retrain to earn the money he seems to want to spend but not earn. You already cover 60% of the costs do all the chores and life admin.

He needs to step up or shut up frankly. Expensive tastes on a poor man wage he needs to live within his means.

He's got a fucking cheek.

This is a man who has at least 3 children and is in a lower paid industry, not maximising his own earnings. Those choices have consequences, because children are expensive. He doesn't get to whinge because you're only willing to alleviate them up to a point. It would be taking the piss even if he did an equal share of all the non working stuff. He's lucky you were even willing to do 4 days.

He's more money driven, but in that he wants you to be the one bringing it in!!! I could be very money driven to if it were up to someone else to earn it!!

Its very easy to be 'hardworking' if you are doing something you absolutely love. He is doing a career that doesn't bring home the money, but gives him a real sense of fulfilment. Your fulfilment comes from your LO, he doesn't get to deny you that because he is working 5 days a week. Him working full time, isn't the equivalent to you working full time.

If he gave up the vanity career to do something better paid, and sacrificed the job satisfaction to prioritise the family finances then he has the right to ask you as well. At the moment he is sulking because you are prioritising your life over family finances, when he is doing exactly the same.

Why would you have another with a man who thinks the logistics of family life is a you problem and not a shared enterprise to benefit your child?

He really is taking advantage here - do holidays he spends with his children leaving you with the baby that he expects you to work full time for

why isn’t everything 50/50 - yes he works hard but how about you. You aren’t a cash cow for him

and if he works so hard how come he won’t retrain into earning more

Where's his compromise?

Christ op, he saw you coming and you can't see it AT ALL. Raise your bar.

Of course you shouldn't give up your bliss day with your dd for this selfish man.

On the contrary. You are already paying for his choices. Change the amount you put in the pot to 40%. He has made a decision to have 3 kids, he pays for them, 2nd job if need be.

I was on the fence a bit until you said he'd like to do more and better holidays with the children from his previous relationship. What a bloody cheek! You're already contributing more than 50%. If he wants more/better of anything then it's up to him to find a way to earn more money.

Does his maintenance form part of your outgoings?
or is that paid first and then you do the 40/60 split for household costs?
Bet I know the answer

I'd not be adding a 5th child into the mix. It sounds like it's only just working as it is.

Wonder if his ex was also a the higher earner…

Fair enough on the second job.

Realistically if you have another baby he’ll have five kids. We both make decent money but, I couldn’t afford to breathe if we had five kids not to mind supporting 3 of them living in another house.

So with 4 kids already and potentially another I think he needs a bit of a reality check things like holidays and extensions.

Beer budget, champagne tastes.

It's an affliction many of us suffer from, but we just endure it rather than exploiting overworked, exhausted new mothers to fund our lifestyles.

Tell him to jog on and take the SC camping. Or "Fuck off and stop exploiting my labour" might do the trick if he doesn't get the message.

Do what suits you - your kids are only little for a short time. When I looked at different options for different hours it helped to see what the actual difference in take home pay was after tax, ni, pension, commute and childcare costs. For me an extra £50 a week wasn't worth the loss of my day with my baby.

I earn more than nursery costs, so yes, we would be better off if I was working on that day. I’ll be going for promotion this year, but I’m not planning to really escalate my career as a) it’d mean no more childcare support and b) I’d have to work away and do longer hours which I don’t want to do yet.

We can afford another baby on our current salaries. We have the space, the car and everything we need already. If it came to it, I could also afford to support two children by myself. His maintenance comes out of his personal spends which is why he feels more broke than I do. If he were to retrain, we could afford that, but he wouldn't be able to pay maintenance and I wouldn’t be volunteering to.

I think it’s normal to feel the pinch when you have nursery costs. It’s not forever!