To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

[Arabella3]

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

I think given you are paying 60% costs and 90% of the workload, you seem to be doing more than your fair share. Is there any discussion to address the imbalance in workload in the house?

Why does OP need to be at work for him to have quality time with his children?

im amazed if you have pointed out how much more than him you contribute both financially and in effort, chores and organising the house, and how he has more children than you anyway, that he has even dared suggest it.

Id tell him that he can whinge all he wants, but youre staying part time until you feel ready to go back full time, and if he wants more disposable income, then its up to him to earn it

First, I'll answering your question with a question for a sec here: Why do people insist on getting in over their heads?

So, you married a guy who you knew already had kids. And now, after having another child together and cutting a day off your work schedule, you're on a tight, no-frills budget, with both money and time, for the foreseeable future.

Okay, I totally get wanting to have a child of your own and wanting a little extra time to spend with that child.

Beyond that is where you start to lose me. Here you're focused on digging in your heels and "refusing" go back to work that extra day, when that's not even on the radar for a couple of years anyway. While I don't necessarily disagree with the four-day workweek, I think your focus is a bit off here.

Because, at the same time, you're talking about having another child? Thereby ensuring even less money and even less time, and stretching the need for that extra day off further into the future. An additional child is a far heavier issue than a four vs. five day work week. And let's not forget, more tension, when your marriage is already showing signs of strain as it is. Piling on even more on top of this could easily lead to a break. And then you'd have far more serious issues than working one day more or less per week.

So, why not step back a little and at least consider not having another child and instead considering your stepchildren enough to fill that void? It seems to me the two of you already have plenty of children.

Also, you want (or rather, demand, going by your post) one day per week alone with your child but did you even consider if his children ever get a day alone with their father? They were here first and they deserve as much consideration as your current and possible future children together, not to be thought of as something he "owes you" for or somehow "not counting," as far as how many children you two have. An additional child's needs would also take more away from them, when they've already suffered loss.

Anyway, I hope I'm not seeming too rough on you right now but I'd urge you to re-consider how to best navigate so things get easier, rather than harder, in the future. I think you'd all win if that weighed in more strongly than an image you have in your mind of what your family "should" look like.

Also my opinion, as someone who's been married for decades, refusing/demanding and scorekeeping aren't great attitudes for a long and happy marriage. As a starting point, I think you're both far more likely to win if instead, you think of yourselves as what you really are now, a team where you both want the same main thing: The best life possible, all around, for your family (including the children he came in with). So that's my two cents, for what it's worth. Good luck to you.

So he wants to be a kept man and have you do domestic duties too?

I think that's a hard pass!

He should be worshipping at your feet: you are bringing more than your fair share to the relationship.

Why is it up to you to find his expensive tastes? Tell him to get a better paid job.

Fund not find. Edit doesn't work for me.

And now, after having another child together and cutting a day off your work schedule, you're on a tight, no-frills budget, with both money and time, for the foreseeable future.

That's not what OP said.

She said her dropping to 4 days means they can't afford to save much, implying the ability to save something. That they can't afford fancy holidays, giving 5 to 7k as an example, or a house extension.

If anyone started a thread on here saying they considered being able to save something, have a non fancy holiday but not afford an extension to constitute 'tight no frills budget' they'd be monstered.

Your 100% right. Time with your DC is much more important than holidays if you can have it.

Well he's made some incorrect choices for himself - had he trained in a different area earlier on in his life - he'd not be in this predicament now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but with you paying 60% of the bills and him paying 40% of the bills he needs to thank his lucky stars he can sponge of someone

You pay 60% of bills and other outgoings while he pays 40%, and he has 4 children to pay for while you only have one? He's getting a great deal here. If you moved to full time, would he expect you to pay an even bigger percentage of the bills?

With all due respect, I'm not sure someone who calls themselves "ThePartingOfTheWays" has much to add here. 😂

If he was responsible for most of the finances I would say fair enough as I don't personally think it's fair to put that on one person unless they want it. Considering you pay more than half already and you don't want to do the extra day then no don't do it.

That would piss me right off! Next time, tell him he should get a more highly paid job then! Time with a young child is precious - not just for the parent but for the child too. It’s not your fault he already has children and has to pay maintenance.

You said you originally wanted to go back 3 days a week not 4. You should have done that. Don’t let him push you into things and spoil your time with your own child (and any future children).

How very anti Dr Who fan of you!

I’m going to go against the grain a little bit here. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for one spouse to wish the other spouse would maximise their earnings. At the same time, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for one spouse to say they want to work four days a week while the kids are young. So, of course it’s fine for you to say this is what you want to do, and for you to do it because you’d rather have the time with your kid than the extra luxuries. But I can see why your spouse might wish you felt and did differently, and it doesn’t seem like he’s a totally horrible or taking advantage person to me to feel that way. Of course, he needs to stop grumbling about it at some point , and if he’s really pressuring you, that would be inappropriate. In my circle, almost every couple with children both work full time and so that is the baseline expectation, and I’m sure some people would be grumbly at least initially if their spouse wanted not to do that.

YANBU.

You've worked to get yourself into a position where you can afford to work part-time, and still contribute more than half to outgoings. Well done.

He should have made better career choices and/or had fewer children if he wanted more holidays and a bigger house. Life's tough.

Well, now I see that I did somehow miss the OP's later posts, which do make the situation seem quite a bit different from her first post. Sorry all, haven't had my morning coffee yet! (on US time)

Absolutely agree with you if you can afford it do it. They are only little once! I went back 3 days a week part time hours when I had my eldest (she’s 7 now) and I’ve got a 3 year old. I would absolutely hate to be full time missing out on school pick up and activities and especially having 1-1 with them on my days off

YANBU. It’s good your DH is ambitious but he needs to channel that ambition into his own career. He can’t be ambitious about your career if that’s not what you want.

As others have said, you should only be covering 50% of expenses if you’re doing 50% (and more it sounds!) of household. I’d open a discussion around working towards a 50%:50% financial split. I think that will make your DH look at other ways to achieve his lifestyle ambitions that don’t involve you sacrificing yourself. Or he needs to cut his cloak to fit his cloth.

Basically, he’s the one who has the want - he needs to make it happen. And if you were only contributing 50%, maybe you could cut your hours further?

Domestic wise I do the majority plus all the admin / mental load

Why? And when does he envision the work you do that he does not will get done when you’re working FT?

My baseline for negotiations on 5 days would be that he steps up and does 50% admin and mental load.

Wow, this guy is good. He's convinced you that he is more ambitious and hard working than you while outsourcing the actual achieving of his ambitions to you.

I'm almost impressed by his audacity to be honest

Yep. If he’s ambitious and wants more money he can retrain.

I think this is scandalous. The man has 3 children already. His priority should be supporting them IMO. Having another relationship with additional children is fine but not if it means he pays less towards his existing children. What is their mother supposed to do, magic up additional money while minding 3 kids?