To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

[Arabella3]

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

@Billydavey
if op was a bloke

...it would be extremely unlikely that he would be both putting more in the pot AND doing more of the housework, childcare of joint, and mental load. In fact, it would be a miracle.

Here we have a bloke who wants the finer things in life, but someone else has to pay for it, whilst he enjoys his low paid hobby job.

You seem to have misunderstood.

OP pays the majority of the bills and also does the majority of house stuff, plus a day of childcare. And he doesn't want to work less. It is not her who is being facilitated.

My Husband is someone exactly like this. My health is dire at the moment, he works full time, comes home and does at least 90% of the household task and ive never heard him once be negative about it. He will take days off just to take me to appointments and he goes above and beyond. Yes it seems rare but there are guys out there that actually care about their families.

Really? I've never met one

I feel like this wouldn't be said if things were the other way around - i.e. husband saying she should do more hours because her job pays less.

And an agreement is an agreement.

I know many, including my DH.

But I’m not in the UK, most men seem to be shit there judging from MN.

Honestly the older they get, the more valuable that additional day becomes. I was considering going back 5 days when my eldest was 1 but now that he is 3 (and has a little sister) that additional time we share is the best moment of my week.

A potential compromise could be condensed hours if you ever need the additional income (I do 90% so the pay cut after tax is minimal). With 2 kids at nursery we also save money on my day off.

So in a nutshell, he expects you to work more hours to pay for "luxuries" when you're already paying 60% of the household costs to start with?

That would be a big fat nope from me.

He needs to start thinking about he HE can cut his cloth accordingly.

I don't think I'd be able to physically produce children with such a selfish and entitled man. It's deeply unattractive.

How did he cope financially before you came along? I mean with 3 kids and maintenance to pay he can't have had much left over, surely he's in a much better position financially because of you?

Nah, it's not. People don't know how they're going to feel when they've had a child. Someone who is already a parent, like DH, is particularly well placed to understand this.

If he likes money as much as he says, he ought to focus on improving his career prospects and increasing his income.

He might have a point if you were dependent on him to pay more than 50% of the household and shared child costs but you aren't. He's getting a nice 60/40 split in his favour. He just wants even more in his favour!

My comments are made on the assumption that you pick up a bit more of the household stuff on your non working day (i know you also care for the joint child of course). Other than that it should be split evenly when you're both home.

I wouldn’t even agree to “going full time once the kids are at school” until they actually are, and you know what you’re dealing with.
Wraparound care at DC’s school is not as late as nursery was, plus it’s further away and we walk, so I actually have less time to get stuff done now DC is at school than when they were at nursery.

Sure. But I don't believe that poster knows loads.

Up thread OP stated her DH doesn't want to work less he was offered paternity leave but didn't want to take it.

But she's also saying she's confident she is in the right.

Staying home, even one day a week to raise children, is an amazing option but is a privilege. Many families have to work full-time. Maybe you can both work part time to save on childcare costs. Doesn’t seem fair only one of you has that option.

Definitely stay at 4 days!! You won't get this time back with your DD and in my opinion is worth the one days less pay. Also getting household stuff done during week makes weekends so much nicer.

I do 4 days myself and will stay like this until both children are through primary school.

When you look back, you will remember the days you spent with your little one, I know I do, some 25 odd years ago and the DC also remember them, but obviously a bit older.

At least read the ops posts.

He doesn't want to.

He's had 4 children but would rather be at work than look after them.

OP has already been clear that her DH won't work less. He didn't even take his full paternity leave. Additionally, his concern is for more money. So him working part time, even if he were actually willing to, would give him less of what he wants on both fronts.

She did. Good point.

True, I wish that were the case, but from seeing people in real life it does seem to be rare. And reading mumsnet, even rarer. But I think @jimhalpertswife said show me any man, suggesting they dont exist so think that's what some were replying to.

They definitely exist, but I do agree with you that lots is less likely, would be amazing if true.

Now he has another DC with you he would probably be expected to pay a little less child maintenance. YANBU to want some time alone with your baby.

Could you work one of the weekend days and then he could have some quality time with his children.