Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

507 replies

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lavenderflower · 21/02/2025 11:53

no you are not being unreasonable. he needs to get a higher paid job.

Dollydaydream100 · 21/02/2025 11:54

What a guy! The cheek of him to even suggest it tbh.

Sunat45degrees · 21/02/2025 11:54

There's quite a lot going on here even though it seems quite simple:

1 you don't seem to have similar views of value of time with chidlren/work/money. So he wants more money to buy a nice car, you are happy to have less money and spend more time with your DC. That's quite an intrinsic value difference.

2 You appear to earn the bulk of the family's income. which means it is more on you, naturally, but with the different inv alues above, this becomes more complicated.

3 Who is doing the bulk of nursery drop off/collection, household chores such as cooking, cleaning and shopping? And who is doign the bulk of the mental load - planning and thinking ahead for what's needed? If its genuinely split 50/50, then you going back to work full time is less of an issue. But it's definitely more of an issue if y ou are the one currently doing it.

polinkhausive · 21/02/2025 11:54

Is he not realising that it might cost you to put your child in nursery an extra day, so therefore any money you gain is then spent on childcare?

Not if she earns more than nursery costs, obviously, which is likely the case given the DH wants her to work more to earn more

polinkhausive · 21/02/2025 11:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I did wonder if there was any compromise potential -.

E.g. you could go for promotion but stay 4 days a week

Or compress hours - work 4.5 days in 4, even if 5 in 4 felt too much

Squirrelseatcake · 21/02/2025 11:57

How are the house hold chores shared? Why do you pay the majority of bills and why does he not want you to spend an extra day with DD?

Goofy03 · 21/02/2025 11:57

I think it would be healthy to try and reach a peace on this, rather than locking horns. You both need to appreciate where the other is coming from or your storing up big resentment.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 21/02/2025 11:58

He should be paying more than 40% when he has 3 dc.. You only have 1...

Original poster
Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:58

Before I had DD I expected to want to go back full-time, and thought part-time wouldn’t be an option in my industry. To be honest, as much as I love SC, I also love a break from them, and I (wrongly) assumed I’d feel the same about DD. So it’s me who’s changed the goalposts!

I was very upset about going back to work and DH and I agreed to me dropping one day (I wanted two) but haven’t discussed when I’d be returning to full-time.

Domestic wise I do the majority plus all the admin / mental load, but he isn’t useless and does a lot of the big jobs without complaint.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 12:00

I should add we’re not fighting over it and he accepts he can’t force me back in to work! But he is a bit grumbly about it because it’ll delay what he wants (extension and holidays etc)

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 21/02/2025 12:00

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:42

He’s more money-driven than I am, but happens to be in a lower paid industry with little chance of that changing unless he retrains and takes a big pay cut (which he’s never expressed an interest in doing). I think he finds it quite frustrating that I have the opportunity to earn a lot more, but don’t take it. He’s more ambitious and a much harder worker.

I’ve got no issue with going back to full time and career progression, just not while I have pre-schoolers.

We have no immediate financial worries. He’d like a newer car, an extension and more/better holidays with SC, but they’re all wants to me, not needs.

I think this is perfectly reasonable justification and would simply state that to him.
The only thing you will need to factor in/save for is a second mat leave (given you pay 60% of bills) with paying nursery fees and then potentially a second set of nursery fees at the same time.
The extra cost of another day's nursery will mean it will be very marginal for you to do the extra day and mentally that will be a way worse feeling along with juggling.

RIPVPROG · 21/02/2025 12:00

If he wanted more material things he should've taken a career path to earn more and should've thought long and hard about having children across two families. You already pay more than he does working 4 days and given you have the step children every weekend I can see why you'd want time just with your DC. I work full time and so does dh so I was ready to say get your arse back to work, but he's really taking the piss.

BlondiePortz · 21/02/2025 12:02

So if you want to work less he should be able to as well

So work it out where you both reduce your hours it seem fair

Genevieva · 21/02/2025 12:02

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:42

He’s more money-driven than I am, but happens to be in a lower paid industry with little chance of that changing unless he retrains and takes a big pay cut (which he’s never expressed an interest in doing). I think he finds it quite frustrating that I have the opportunity to earn a lot more, but don’t take it. He’s more ambitious and a much harder worker.

I’ve got no issue with going back to full time and career progression, just not while I have pre-schoolers.

We have no immediate financial worries. He’d like a newer car, an extension and more/better holidays with SC, but they’re all wants to me, not needs.

The preschool years might feel like forever just now, but they go in a flash. I went part-time for a decade and it was absolutely worth it. My kids are all teenagers now and my husband has taken on the laundry and some school pick ups to help me balance fulltime work with home commitments.

Your arrangements are your own, but I find it odd that you pay 60% of household bills when those bills also reflect the cost of his pre-existing children. I think he needs to either step up or accept that he can’t have as much disposable income for treats as he’d like because of his career choices. Not because of your decision to go part-time.

SwanOfThoseThings · 21/02/2025 12:02

Before I had DD I expected to want to go back full-time, and thought part-time wouldn’t be an option in my industry.

You are the one who has changed the goal-posts, in that case. You agreed to go back full time and now you have reneged on that. Your DH is right to challenge you.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 21/02/2025 12:02

Tell him you'll think about it when he splits the the housework 50/50. Otherwise jog on mate!

Sunat45degrees · 21/02/2025 12:02

Domestic wise I do the majority plus all the admin / mental load, but he isn’t useless and does a lot of the big jobs without complaint.

What are big jobs? Bins, MOT, DIY? That's nto the same. If you are back at work 5 days a week, who is doing the drop off and collection? One thing I see over and over again and even happened with DH and I for a bit which was WEIRD considering he'd even been a bloody SAHD for a while.... even when the man is doing drop off, somehow, everything else is the woman's responsbility. Both DH and I were a bit horrified when we realised we'd slipped into this thing wher either was my job to get up early every morning, get everything ready, wake everyone up and then he would just trundle off to take DS to school.

In my experience, when someone is working part time, they don't mind this inequality as much as they see that extra day off as their opportunity to get a break. But it changes completely when suddenly you're trying to work full time AND do all the practical and mental work involved in children while he's wafting around going "But I do the bins and organised to get your car serviced last month"

Tiswa · 21/02/2025 12:02

So you do all the domestic stuff (how often are big jobs really) all the admin mental load pay 60% of the bills and presumably do the childcare

and he wants you to go full time- make his child go full time into childcare so you can burn out so he can go on fancy holidays
wake up op he sounds aeful

Doloresparton · 21/02/2025 12:05

SwanOfThoseThings · 21/02/2025 12:02

Before I had DD I expected to want to go back full-time, and thought part-time wouldn’t be an option in my industry.

You are the one who has changed the goal-posts, in that case. You agreed to go back full time and now you have reneged on that. Your DH is right to challenge you.

No he’s not if she’s still the one paying the majority of the bills.

Rosebud12345 · 21/02/2025 12:05

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 12:00

I should add we’re not fighting over it and he accepts he can’t force me back in to work! But he is a bit grumbly about it because it’ll delay what he wants (extension and holidays etc)

So you pay 60% of the bills, do the majority of the chores and admin and he wants you to work more to cover his shortfall?

No way

Rosebud12345 · 21/02/2025 12:07

BlondiePortz · 21/02/2025 12:02

So if you want to work less he should be able to as well

So work it out where you both reduce your hours it seem fair

He is already not the higher earner plus he has 2 extra kids, so reducing his hours probably not the smartest

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 21/02/2025 12:08

So he wants you to work more so he can have a new car and better holidays with your step kids - I do not see the benefit to you here! Personally I would choose quality time with my child over his monetary wants! Do you pay 60% off the holidays for his kids too? I would strongly suggest telling him to get a better job if he needs more money - my partner completely retrained and changed industries, it was hard work for a few years but now he has much better earning potential.

PullTheBricksDown · 21/02/2025 12:08

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 12:00

I should add we’re not fighting over it and he accepts he can’t force me back in to work! But he is a bit grumbly about it because it’ll delay what he wants (extension and holidays etc)

If he wants certain things, but he wants you to make the changes needed to get those things, while his work and general life set up stays the same, then sorry, nope. How about he changes job, changes sector, gets a second job, cuts down his leisure spending..?

the7Vabo · 21/02/2025 12:09

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 12:00

I should add we’re not fighting over it and he accepts he can’t force me back in to work! But he is a bit grumbly about it because it’ll delay what he wants (extension and holidays etc)

If he wants holdiays and extensions and you already pay 60% what is he going to do to pay for them? If he’s that interested in money can he get a second job?

SwanOfThoseThings · 21/02/2025 12:10

Doloresparton · 21/02/2025 12:05

No he’s not if she’s still the one paying the majority of the bills.

Show quote history

OP doesn't say her original agreement to return to work full time was contingent on her DH covering more of the bills, so this is completely irrelevant.

OP agreed to return full-time before she had the baby, now she has changed her mind - unless her DH agrees to this change, OP is not treating him fairly.

Swipe left for the next trending thread