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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

507 replies

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Eldermilleniallyogii · 26/02/2025 19:23

I was expecting to say YABU but in the circumstances I don't think you are. If you already contribute at least 50% of shared household costs then I don't think you should have to work more.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 26/02/2025 22:17

Inkystain · 24/02/2025 15:57

A successful well paid woman who wants children gets together with a lower earning man who has an ex wife and three step children

baffing

Where does it say he has three stepchildren ? He has two children of his own and one shared child with OP.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 26/02/2025 22:28

Edcc · 24/02/2025 17:47

Isn't it.
What was it about her that first was so attractive to him I wonder🙄.

OP has been funding them all, as he funds his ex whom had years at home🙄

You couldn't make this shit up.

Now the OP quite rightly intends to reduce her hours but he's not happy because him and his family have gotten used to the good life on OP.

OP may want a second child but could well face push back as he will say "we" can't afford it because of my first children.

Children only get more expensive as they grow.
The teen years can be brutally expensive in my experience.

My friends daughter had a big surprise baby with a guy like this and he casually mentioned that they definitely wouldn't be having a second as they couldn't afford it.
She hadn't even thought of a second but she was very well paid and easily could if she wanted to.

They were together two years and had just moved in together.
She hadn't minded treating the children but certainly didn't feel she had to because they were now hers.

However, she felt she had to push back hard during her mat leave as he and his ex kept trying to treat her mat leave as free nanny care and she wasn't having it.
It really pissed her off.

Combine that and him wanting her to take his three children to Portugal to her parents villa for a three week holiday she was going on, as it would help him and his ex with childcare for the summer holidays, woke her up to what her future might looked like.
They had a huge blow up and she moved home immediately for space.
Apparently her moving home was letting his children down too. The holiday gave her the space to think.

She finished with him and feels she dodged a bullet.
She was so grateful they were not married, she gave the baby her name and that she has a great career.
It's unlikely she'll have another as she is focusing on her little girl, but she thinks life is far easier doing it alone with her family luckily willing to support her.
Not everyone is so lucky of course.
My friend is bonkers about the baby so they really think of her as a huge blessing.

Show quote history

Once again, where are the three stepchildren here DH reportedly has ? OP refers to DH’s children as her SC and there are two of them. And they have one shared child. That’s three altogether.

Pussycat22 · 26/02/2025 22:37

Who'd have a bloody husband dictating what one does!!!

LastRoIo · 01/03/2025 21:06

ThePartingOfTheWays · 26/02/2025 14:40

These retail workers are seldom being facilitated in childcare, housework, life admin or holidaying with multiple other DC to the extent that the OPs husband is. OP has spelled out pretty clearly how things work in her house and there's been a great deal of comment on it.

This just isn't a great candidate for a reversal of the sexes because the circumstances are so niche.

Show quote history

That's true. But a lot of women go p/t by age 30 and their husbands work full time for another 40 years. I'm not saying OP is wrong, just that there are arguments for both sides.

Kelly1969 · 08/07/2025 18:59

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:42

He’s more money-driven than I am, but happens to be in a lower paid industry with little chance of that changing unless he retrains and takes a big pay cut (which he’s never expressed an interest in doing). I think he finds it quite frustrating that I have the opportunity to earn a lot more, but don’t take it. He’s more ambitious and a much harder worker.

I’ve got no issue with going back to full time and career progression, just not while I have pre-schoolers.

We have no immediate financial worries. He’d like a newer car, an extension and more/better holidays with SC, but they’re all wants to me, not needs.

It’s perfectly reasonable to have that one day with your DD, and I would imagine you do more than your share of the housework and childcare?
I worked full time from when my eldest was 13 weeks old, financially I had to and I really regret it.
My now ex was always resentful when I dropped a day even tho I do/did everything round the house and the kids.
my daughters have autism too, plus youngest has LD.
you accept the SC and the time and expense they take up, so why shouldn’t you have a day with DD

Oblomov25 · 11/07/2025 06:17

I chose to work 3 days, now 4, I'll never go FT if I can help it.
Unfortunately Op also has another factor, he Dh whilst she says he is ambitious, he clearly isn't. He has SC and wants all the good bits, but isn't prepared to do anything to earn more, but is pressurising his milk cow to work more so he can benefit. How is being used attractive? I'd find his greed and using of me quietly highly unattractive.

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