To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

[Arabella3]

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

Is this really how we treat our spouses? "Challenging" them rather than talking like adults and accepting that perspectives we had before we had kids may have shifted?

He's more money driven, has more expensive tastes. Of course he is, but with your money!

You are already contributing 60%.

I would be telling him, you aren't the problem here and that he needs to up his game if we wants to keep up with the luxuries he has become accustomed to based on your income.

He's really taking the piss here.

I woukd be disgusted with him.

You chose to have a well-paying career, which has in fact enabled you to work less.
His career choice wasn't so good then really, was it? If he's that keen to make money, then maybe he should have chosen a better paid job. The choices he made in the past are impacting him now.
It's a bit rich that he has more children, costing your household more, yet you are paying more than half the costs. Again, it was his choice to have those children, and it's not reasonable to expect you to subsidise that.
I would mention here, for the sake of clarity, that I chose a well-paying career precisely so that I could afford to go part-time when I had children. DH earned less than me, and did suggest that he became a SAHD while I worked fulltime. I laughed. He wouldn't have picked up all the life admin, and in fact he struggled with doing childcare sometimes, and never managed things like planning and cooking fresh healthy food. I knew that, like many women, I would be picking up most of this,( even though I knew it was unfair) and in any event wanted to spend time with my children.
Anyway, I don't see why you should give up your day off with your DD to compensate for his lack of foresight.
If he wants to earn more, can't he do evening study?

He has expensive tastes but has chosen a not very well paid career.

That's on him, surely?

By dropping down to 3 days, can you afford to pay 50/50?
that seems like the perfect solution

I cba to date now, but if I did I'd have a rule of thumb - assume if a bloke is divorced, it's because of him. And most likely it's selfishness. It would be up to them to prove otherwise, but that would be my starting point.

How the op didn't laugh in his face - when he suggested she should work even more to put even more in a pot, the outgoings for which are his choices, not hers - I will never understand.

I worked full time after DC for a year before having DC2. I did a short stint of full time with both in nursery full time and then dropped to 4 days. The unfunded bills for both were eye watering!

The clincher for me about 4 v 5 days was how quickly I would burn through tax free childcare allowance even with mine term time oniy bar a few additional days. My nursery fees are about £17 more per day unfunded than when DC1 started 4 years ago. What I lose in pay for working 0.8 is a lot less than what I would pay in childcare as reduced my tax paid.

I would so the maths on how soon you would eat up your tax free childcare allowance to show why you wouldn’t be better off!

So, he’s money driven, but only with your money? He chose low income career, is making no attempts to increase his earning potential, but wants you to work FT to fund his ‘expensive tastes’, while you also do the majority of domestic labour?

OP, in what way does what you’ve described seem like a fair and equitable distribution of responsibilities in a relationship?

I’m not sure it’s “more than their share” for the higher earner to pay more and the part timer to do more at home.

if op was a bloke I seriously doubt you’d be saying they’re doing too much…

I don’t live in the UK so I can’t be certain but I’d expect kids will continue to cost significant money beyond nursery if you’re working? How much does afterschool cost? Are they going to do hobbies.

I think having kids with someone who has not just one, but three already complicates things on every level. Three kids is an enormous financial commitment. If he’s not a high earner can he realistically have five kids? What if one of the three wants or needs something extra? Is there contingency for that?

You must have a huge house to be able to accommodate potentially 5 children.

Honestly they grow up so quickly. I had time off work to spend with the children. Now they're teenagers, I'm back at work. I enjoyed all the time I spent with them. Sounds like your husband likes holidays and nice things, and he's feeling the pinch! I'd say no to going back to work full-time, until they're older. It's time you'll never get back again, and you can always make more money later on.

I think hes taking the piss personally. You're already paying over the odds for bills, and while he and the SC come as a package, that package incurs significant time and financial related responsibilities for you. That's a fact. To expect you to take on all that is ok but not if you then get told you can't stay at 4 days a week to be with your LOs in the early years especially as you outearn him!!!

He just wants the extra money that's all this is.

Show me any bloke ever since the dawn of time who takes a full day off on purpose to spend with their baby, covers 60% of all costs and does 90% of the grunt work too.

Well, it’s literally what she said..

So it’s me who’s changed the goalposts!

I know many

And covers full holiday costs for his three step children, that 60% also meaning a bigger house and higher bills for those step children too.

While his wife then moans it’s not enough money….

I’ll wait with you.

YANBU. He's being really quite selfish. Your DH wants it all his way.

He's money oriented and money motivated, but only money motivated for you to work and earn more, if he wants new better cars he needs to up his own income he already don't pay his fair share. you do all the donkey work I doubt that would change.
We shared income, Dh worked a lot, I did 100% in the home and was very frugal, we had discussed and agreed to this, Once I went back part time all went in one pot and we shared out jobs a bit more But I wasn't looking after any SC and paying their way or buy or expect anything expensive without discussion.

Yeah right

This is a him problem, definitely needs to work on upgrading and improving his own career, you are not a work horse op, there to provide luxuries no one needs.

Why doesn't he get a second job? He's the one with 3DC to pay for after all...

He’d like a newer car, an extension and more/better holidays with SC, but they’re all wants to me, not needs.

So you expect him to work an extra day to facilitate you wanting to spend more time with your child, but you won't even work the same as him to facilitate him spending more time with his kids?

Out of inrerest, what was the set up with the SC's mother?

Was she a high earning full time worker, or did she get to have some time at home with their kids?

He doesn’t want to work less?