To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

You thought he was advanced (no matter what you say, you obviously did) and now you've found out he isn't.

Moving him won't change this.

Make another appointment and go from there.

You can't keep moving your son, as soon as there's an issue. Do what your DH said, talk to the other teacher and go from there.

It sounds like your DS is struggling with other kids his age. Just carry on supporting him and working with him at home. It's early days and he has plenty of time to excel yet.

Are you letting him down?
They seem to have the measure of him and are asking appropriate questions?

Ask to see the other teacher and ask why they think he is like that at school and what strategies they are going to use to bring him out/on more.

Don't jump to moving him before you have explored the issue a bit more.

I think you’re jumping the gun. Teachers won’t always get it right, but they are trained professionals and we need to assume that they know what they’re doing unless proven otherwise. Keep a close relationship with the teacher, follow their advice and guidance on your child’s academic progress and, if you still have the same feeling after trying everything, explore your options then.

I don't have a school age child but my instincts are that you should give the other teacher a chance to tell you more about the situation. I suspect you are feeling a combination of guilt for not preparing him properly (in your mind, not saying that's what I think), embarrassment at what the yeacher said, and then frustration the school aren't doing more. You need to separate the first two out from your approach to the situation. Speak to the other teacher, say what 1st teacher said, and ask how they plan to support him to improve and also what you can do to help him. If the teacher is positive and proactive then I wouldn't pull him out of the school and cause a huge disruption. If you still feel they don't care and aren't supporting him appropriately then I'd consider moving.

He’s clearly behind those who went to pre school, that’s not a great surprise. Moving him will unsettle him further. I’d keep him where he is and make sure your other kids gets their 25 hours at a minimum.

Your little boy sounds lovely, the teacher sounds awful.

What matters when he's 4 is whether he's happy. If he's not happy he won't learn..if he's chatty, engaged and happy at home but "silent" in school he isn't happy.

Reading us frustrating to start with! With all of mine it was weird to start with but if he's starting to get it, that's fine!! Great. He's only 4!!!

Id focus on his fine motor skills OP. Lots of countries don't make kids learn to write until they are 7 but as we are stuck here I'd focus on hand strength and anything that helps with fine motor skills more so your son doesn't feel he's "behind" with his drawing etc.

And definitely ask to meet with the other teacher. You shouldn't be feeling this way about your child at school.

hello, reception teacher here! Firstly, your husband is right, definitely ask for a meeting with the other teacher as well as the teacher you have already seen, and provide an agenda for the meeting beforehand so they know exactly what you want to discuss - mention you’d like to see evidence of what they are saying, this will make it a more useful meeting. In all honesty it will not have done your child the world of good not attending a nursery beforehand, but that can’t be changed now and the good news is that it is his very first year at school, there is plenty of time for things to turn around! The concerns of the teacher seem very general - I would be asking specifically if he is able to sit and concentrate for periods at a time, does he show interest in other children and want to engage with them, can he follow instructions issued by the teachers, is he generally compliant? These are all skills that will help him to learn. It could simply be that as his first experience of an educational setting he’s still finding his feet and will settle, but if he isn’t then the school need to be outlining the specific steps they are taking in order to support him - do they feel he needs an EHCP? Don’t despair! He’s so young, it will most likely all turn out absolutely fine :)

Given that he also struggled in pre-school, it’s possible that the issue is something going on with your ds, and not the specific setting he’s in.

You could end up moving him just for him to have exactly the same issues at his next school. Plus moving him midway through reception would be very disruptive and destabilising, and would hardly help him socially.

I'd see the other teacher to get a balanced view. Moving him would be a mistake - having already withdrawn him from one recognised pre-school setting, it could become a negative pattern in the future. He sounds a lovely little boy and is progressing well in some areas and will soon catch up with his reading and writing - perhaps designate 15 mins every bedtime where it's his turn? It sounds as if the teacher's delivery was a bit clumsy and you sound as though you're hurt by her comments but she is able to compare his progress with his peer group so please don't take it personally. Pre-school would have been worth persevering with, wouldn't it?

Please remember that they don't know you nor his background. Some dc won't have access to art materials, they will be stuck in front of the tv all day, they have to ask.

It seems he's not settling as quickly as some others and not picking up skills, that's ok, it's a good school because they have picked up on it straight away.

To give you hope, my dd2 was really slow on reading, years behind, writing too, we supported her with a tutor for 2, (age 7-9) and school put her into extra English twice a year too, around age 12 it clicked! She's still dyslexic but has 4 top grade a levels (sciences and maths) degree from top university and has an amazing senior for age job

He might just need longer to settle and if you move him every time you think there's a problem, he will never settle. I had a child that read fluently at home but would barely sound out two words at school for some time because they didn't feel comfortable when they did the reading, weren't keen on who they were reading to and found the school reading books utterly dire - still does tbh but will do enough to please teacher now! I wouldn't go rushing to make decisions based on one term. It sometimes takes a while for pen skills to click. You can do activities at home to help fine motor skills which will help with that as well but doesn't feel like you are forcing the writing issue, there's lots of ideas and games online.

The only thing that worries me about this school is that from your description they are giving you information about other children - the remark about 'the other silent one' and also showing you other children's work to compare to.

The parents evening focus should be on your child. If he is behind this should be explained in terms of the early years standards rather than his classmates can all do this but he can't.
If there is a nursery attached to the school then some of the children who attended might have an advantage (as staff know how the school works, might even share nursery/reception staff so have an easier transition, share similar routines) but I wouldn't say that this would be the main reason for any differences and that all children are different and learn things at different rates.

Also him appearing 'bright' at home is not necessarily going to transfer to a busy classroom environment. Is this where he struggles with more people?
You mentioned he didn't like preschool so you withdrew him, was it similar problems there? If so you will need to address these issues at some point rather than looking to withdraw him and move him whenever there is a slight issue raised.

I would arrange another meeting and ask for what you can do to help support your son at home, and what areas you can help build his confidence in.

Don't move him...he will be fine once he's settled. For now he needs to learn how to interact and socialise with other children.
He hasn't been able to do this at nursery or pre school but give it time, he'll get there!

You can help him with his writing, by making sure you do finger strength exercises, as well as encouraging writing wherever possible.

Make sure he plays with play dough and Lego. Get him doing up buttons. Get him to thread laces through buttons, using squeezing tools like tongs or pipettes. Even get him to move small bits of pasta or whatever from one bowl to another (or sort buttons by colour into bowls..or pom poms with tongs etc)

I wouldn't worry. It's very, very early days. He's only been school a few months. Both my children were behind for the first few years at primary school. They were always in the "working towards" category for most subjects. However, they both caught up in years 5 and 6. They're now 12 and 14 years old and both doing really well. My 14 year old is choosing her GCSE options and I've heard repeatedly from teachers that she's an exceptional pupil and has a very bright future ahead of her.
I really believe some children take a while to get going but many catch up and even exceed.
Please don't panic. Keep doing what you're doing. Encourage your son at home to write his name, do art work etc.
The others might be slightly ahead because they went to pre-school but there's absolutely no reason he won't catch up. He sounds bright. Just think, in most European countries they don't start school until 6 years old. My DH started school at 6, couldn't write his name until then, and is now a Professor!

He sounds like a perfectly lovely little boy. The teacher referring to your son as the silent one isn't going to help his confidence. Some children are loud, some aren't.

He is giving a few signs of potential autism in my opinion as a mum of dc with autism/PDA & adhd. It's not something to worry about, he sounds like a wonderful little boy as all children are but id be going back to the school and asking them what support they are putting in place to help your son. Now they've identified areas where he needs more support they should be doing something about it.

You haven't let your son down by not sending him to pre school full time. He clearly wasn't happy there so why continue to send you child somewhere he's unhappy when it's not compulsory.

What she is telling you isn’t a criticism, and it will be the same at the next school. Work with them rather than pushing back.
The fact is that nursery prepares kids for school, but yours didn’t go. Now he’s on catch up.

Is the issue that you thought he was ahead developmentally and they think he isn’t? Or do they have specific concerns e.g. about his writing?

Kids have different strengths and he may have a fantastic memory, making it easy to pick up numbers and facts. Actually my kid was the same. Writing took much longer to develop. Of course we should listen to teachers, but also do remember that learning isn’t always linear, and there are moments where kids just ‘get’ reading and start to make a leap.

He will be likely be in a class of kids DS who went to pre school and some probably in full time nursery. If he's not had much experience of everything they do there (painting, socialising, sharing, singing, drawing, taking turns etc) , he will definitely be at a different stage. But bright kids catch up fast

It sounds like he's a bright interested child but just not ticking the boxes on the literacy front so the teacher is concerned. I would definitely try and speak to the other teacher.

Before you'd said about it being a job share I was going to say that I'd compare a polite email saying mostly what you've said here - that you were surprised by what was discussed at parents evening and it doesn't match with what you see at home so would like to meet to discuss how to support X at school and at home. Mention that it felt negative and you didn't take anything positive away from the meeting. I'd still send it and ask for a meeting with ideally both teachers if they have a cross over day.

I've never taught in Reception but do have dd1 in Reception at the moment. It can take children time to settle into reception and it's a huge change especially so if they've not spent anytime at nursery.

Biggest thing - is he happy at school? Or did you have any concerns before parents evening? If not I think you're gut reaction to moving him is because of how they've made you feel rather than what's necessarily best for your ds

It's really hard to hear things about your child that don't fit with what you know about them.
It may well be that he just hasn't settled in / school hasn't "clicked" yet. Some kids just aren't interested in reading/writing in Foundation & fund the expectations, sitting still & sheer volume of noise, new people, social dynamics a bit overwhelming. Both my 2 (boys) were "working towards" in reception - eldest is now one of the highest achievers in his year at secondary & boy 2 is working beyond in the things he's interested in & coasting everything else - he's just not interested in academic stuff. Both had teachers who "got them" in primary.
The questions teacher asked are because in a deprived area, many people won't have pencils, paper etc.
Have a meeting with the other teacher before you make any rash decisions

Your post reeks of meanness and an intention to upset...whatever you say 🙄
It's also totally unhelpful. Fortunately other posters with less of a need to make people feel bad to satisfy some insecurity have given actual useful advice

Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This definitely was a huge mistake- nothing you can do about it now except to ensure you don't make the same mistake with your younger children.

Almost all of the other children would have been in pre-school and so won't be having the culture shock your son is having. It will take him a while to settle in and get used to the expectations of an educational setting.

The worst thing you could do for him now is move him to another school and start the process all over again.