To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

Sounds a lot like my daughter who is autistic. She was always very articulate when speaking and is highly intelligent but struggles with reading and writing and socially. She finds the school environment very overwhelming and prefers to be at home.

OP I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience with the teacher she sounds really unprofessional and absolutely if she has concerns she could have worded it better. She should have given you constructive and helpful advice if she felt he wasn't settling in as well as expected. He sounds like a lovely little boy and similar to my own son who has asd in a few ways( not at all suggesting your son does). My little fella is very chatty and knowledgeable and engaging but my god the first years in school were a disaster . I think you definitely should have sent him to pre school first as I've a dd who also started primary school this year and has done two years of preschool and the primary school was like a natural stepping stone for her . I think the biggest culture shock for first time parents with primary school is that it's really about social skills at this age rather than anything academic and regardless of how clever the child is the more social children seem to thrive more as they love all the different things going on and the buzz of school life and that it takes longer for some children to acclimatise. Speak to the other teacher to get a more accurate picture of how he is settling in.

Is he bringing home phonics exercises and books from school to do/read at home? My grandchildren were doing this in reception. Ask the teacher what you need to do to help him catch up. Moving schools mid-year is unlikely to help.

Just give it time OP. He has some catching up to do socially as he didn't go to preschool and the academic stuff takes longer for some children.

Is he happy at school?

Children who go straight to reception without having been in any nursery/preschool setting often really struggle when they get to reception. They have missed out on very important socialisation and find it difficult to follow instructions and settle into the daily routine.
It takes them time- often the whole year. If you keep moving him you will carry on kicking the can down the road.
Talk to the other teacher and also ask what they will be doing to support him as he learns to socialise and cope with the EYFS curriculum.

Thank you so much for all these replies - lots to think about.

We won't move him - I couldn't just override DH on such a big decision and he is dead against it, at least until we've seen the other teacher. It's just DH is normally laid back and unbothered and him wanting another meeting has added to my worries about the whole thing.

It's hard to read that people felt we did the wrong thing taking him out of preschool but I just couldn't see the benefit of taking him somewhere he wasn't enjoying and didn't need to be. I was also on mat leave and have gone back full-time and will always be full-time now, so I wanted to make the most of my time with him. I took him to so many toddler/pre-school groups and he has loved all of them. He'd often be the centre of attention singing along at the front, for example. We're out and about all the time and he has never shown any social anxiety other than at preschool and now, it seems, school. This is why I am leaning towards blaming the setting rather than seeing is as a problem with him, but I don't want to set a pattern of him leaving somewhere whenever the going gets tough, I do see that would be a mistake.

He's not unhappy there, which is partly why this has come as a shock. He has made a coupe of friends mainly through dh chatting to the parents, but these are in the other reception class and so they play after school but perhaps not in it?

I genuinely didn't think he was advanced but I also never thought he would be behind, especially somewhere with such low outcomes. We play so many games/puzzles and follow all his interests, I can't see how that has been a bad thing and sitting doing workbooks would be better?

I'll definitely be looking at the tips for improving his fine motor skills - it's just hard when he has such set interests though, but we will try.

Don’t move him again, he will not learn to bond and make friends if he is constantly shuffled about.I don’t think you gave the preschool chance -I also had same with my youngest DD.Very articulate but didn’t transfer those skills for a couple of years and then she suddenly’got it’ in reading and comprehension etc-she then zipped through the reading levels and did very well,despite initial concerns.Just give it time

It's February, so he's done 5 months at school (more like 4 when you account for hols). It's nothing.

Chat to the other teacher and also explain why you're concerned about the feedback from the other.

I've been there when you feel the teacher just doesn't "get" your child. You want them to see how wonderful they are and it's deflating when they present things as negatives.

Your little one sounds great, I'm sure he'll adjust to school given time and thrive. I'd not disrupt him with a school change at this point.

And you've done all the right things so let the accusations of loud telly etc wash over you x

He sounds very much like me oldest boy who is dyspraxic (and has other issues too). Appalling writing, zero interest in anything arty, difficulties in making friends. That's just how he is, there is nothing "wrong" with him, and if there are similar things going on with your son, it will be the same story wherever he's at school.

I'm stunned at the critical, patronising tone of many of the responses here. I'm a very experienced early years teacher, and it sounds to me as if your son's teacher spoke very inappropriately. I appreciate that she wanted to raise some concerns/questions, but labelling him as one of the 'silent ones' and showing you other children's work are both completely out of line. Children often present differently at school from at home, it's not in the least bit unusual. Have you chatted to your son about it? He might be able to explain - or, just talking to him might give him the permission he's waiting for to be chattier at school.
Your instincts were right with reading - keep reading to him and doing very small bits and pieces of Biff and Chip and he'll start to read when he's developmentally ready. Talking to/with your child is probably the single most important thing you can do, and it sounds like you've got that nailed!
You didn't make a huge mistake pulling him out of preschool. Honestly, the way some posters are talking, as if you've massively disadvantaged him! You haven't. He'll be absolutely fine and probably just needs more time to settle. I agree with going to see the other teacher - and explain how unsettled you were by the first interview. I'm sure the teacher was just doing her best, but I'm not surprised you were upset.
You sound like a great mum with sound instincts. Don't get distracted by the noise, keep doing your best for your son, as you already are.

I might have got this wrong but the teacher is saying:

His artwork is below par
Hes quiet

Is that right?

At toddler/pre-school groups he had you there with him, cheering him on and giving him confidence.

Being dropped into a class of 30 kids with one teacher and maybe a TA is a very different prospect.

So your update suggests he was fine in all the toddler groups and situations with you present. He was not fine when you weren't there. I don't think that suggests it's the setting.

You are shooting the messenger because no one likes to hear things might not be going well with their children.

If they are presented with a child who won't/can't communicate and appears to be behind, then her questions about how much you talk to him/whether you have paper are reasonable ones. Sometimes the answers to those basic questions will be no. In your case they are not, so it needs more investigation. It may just be that he didn't go to pre-school, but you say he also had issues there.

Definitely get a meeting with the other teacher to get a second perspective on how he behaves at school and decide how to move on from there.

Sorry but how he is with you at toddler groups is not the same as being in a nursery or classroom without you. It’s a whole different ball game.

Just sharing my experience here but if things don't turn around this year then do move him.

It might be that he does have some SEN going on and large busy classes are not the best way for these DC

I moved my DD15 to the private system in year 6 for the small classes and regret not doing it earlier.

It’s also important to remember that it is entirely possible for a child to be bright and curious, but also behind their peers developmentally.

I would definitely meet the other teacher. The only issue I had with the teachers at my son's primary was in a year when he had a job share. They just didn't seem to know him and all of their comments seemed way off. Getting to know 30 kids in two days must be difficult if you don't have good communication with the other teacher.

Thank god for your reply @Flightsoffancy I was absolutely amazed by the replies on this and wondering if that's how parents evenings are now or whether that's how they are in England??

Hopefully not

Your approach sounds quite Montessori, and he’s now in a formal school environment where he is struggling with the ‘formula’. It sounds like your boy just learns differently and will likely, in time, catch up. You do need to put the effort into the reading and mark making etc. though if you want him in a mainstream school. He will catch up in time but it may take him a bit longer.

I agree with others that the teacher’s approach here was inappropriate though!

It sounds to me like he is still settling into school and the general environment there. This isn't surprising if he didn't go to preschool.....it will have been a massive change for him but you can't go back and change it now.

DD2 went to preschool three days a week and it still took her a while to settle into Reception. I was surprised by her first parents evening too because they said she was very quiet (she wasn't at home!) and was behind in her gross motor skills e.g. holding a pencil, using scissors etc. By the time she finished Reception it had all improved and she's now in Year 1 and doing really well.

Don't rush into moving him. You pulled him out of preschool too and don't want this to be a pattern any time there's an issue. It will have been a huge adjustment for him starting school and you don't want to make him go through another big change and have to settle in somewhere else all over again.

Ask for a meeting with the other teacher and ask what you can do to support him at home.

Nothing the teacher has said actually contradicts what you know about your child though - it's actually mostly consistent.

You know your child wasn't interested in reading or writing and these are the skills they're focusing on in school at the moment. That doesn't mean he's stopped being intellectually curious and quite possibly bright but that can't be reflected in his schoolwork until he's learnt to read and write. You've also said he struggled initially with reading but is now beginning to progress - so he IS learning new things. As others have said focus on activities at home to improve his motor skills - both gross and fine and his writing will improve.

The only inconsistency is him being quiet in school vs talkative at home but that's true of lots of children and actually you know he wasn't very sociable in pre-school so it's consistent with the behaviour there. He may also be more quiet in school if he's lacking in confidence relative to the other kids because they already know each other from pre-school and because he's struggling with the skills school is currently focusing on.

You've done him a massive disservice by not sending him to nursery. I agree with PP that more upheaval would be even more detrimental. I don't think it's unusual for a child who spends a lot of time with adults to be articulate, but what he's gained there, he's lost in other skills.

Having said that, he's four. It might take him longer than his peers, but he will settle. Perhaps once he's more used to and confident in his environment, he'll show more of what he can do and it'll become apparent whether there are any issues that need following up.

The teacher sounds a bit of an arse if she said those things in the you relay - the comment about the other child was completely unnecessary. However, teachers come across kids from a broad range of family set-ups, how is she to know whether your child has access to pencils and paper if he's not drawing very well, or know whether you engage with him if he doesnt speak etc.? I think you might be being a bit defensive there because you're surprised and upset and that's an understandable response, I probably would too.

Sit tight and let him find his feet.

I don’t like the way the teacher mentioned your child and the other child as being “silent”. As someone who was always quiet as a child it annoys me so much when being quiet is seen automatically as a negative.. in my opinion it is not always a bad thing once the child socialises. Your child has made a friend and is not complaining about going into school which is a good sign in my opinion. They are all so different at that age, some can write better than others, some can count better than others etc. I can understand you being hurt by the comments as well, anyone would be. I don’t feel that the comments provided were particularly constructive. Hopefully the other teacher can provide some clarity.

School is a marathon not a sprint and there will be kids brighter and more developed than your DS and those less so.

I think also bear that in mind if the posts on here are making you feel guilty about taking him out of pre-school. You made a choice you thought was good for him and he was at home in a loving nurturing setting. The fact that he's not where you think he should be could be for a range of reasons, so I wouldn't rush to flog yourself for it.

Just give him time and follow any advice the teachers give you.