To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

I would be asking specifically if he is able to sit and concentrate for periods at a time, does he show interest in other children and want to engage with them, can he follow instructions issued by the teachers, is he generally compliant?

Good advice above but also - whatever the answers, please don't take them as a criticism of you or your son. They're there to help him develop these skills and that's their only axe to grind. It's not about moving him elsewhere to get different answers, but about understanding and acknowledging what's going on and making steps to help your DS. The instinct to pull him out feels a bit like your DS's 'just read it to me' approach - feels like a short-cut but avoids the harder work of learning. Your DS hasn't been in a school-like setting as long as most of the DC and you need to give it time and effort to see if it's just that adjustment and he'll change over the time (and he has plenty of time) he's there, or if there are other issues going on in which case it's good that they've been picked up on. What you have to get past is this feeling like it's a failure because you just wanted to hear the good things. Hopefully when you look back you'll feel this was helpful and he'll go on to grow and thrive.

You have to do more reading, maths and writing at home.

We moved abroad when my DS was 3 and he (and us) had to learn a new language.

We did reading, writing and maths everyday. I disguised it as art projects, baking, making short cartoons on the computer. You have to get creative.

Maybe he isn’t confident socially, but that will improve with time. Some useful advice here, fine motor skills work at home like playing with beads or Lego, mark-making, modelling clay/play dough, real tasks like buttons and sorting small items, etc. speak to the teachers again .

I like the popcorn metaphor. Not all kids pop at the same moment, but the later ones to pop still do burst and there’s nothing wrong with them. We expect a lot from kids in the UK and they’re not always developmentally ready to learn to read and write when they’re not even five.

I think the issue may be that although you feel he is very bright in reception the focus is very much on reading, writing and maths.

Children who go to nursery or pre school often have a year where the pre school start teaching letters and numbers, and a lot of the skills needed for reading and writing - so activities with pens, activities to develop fine motor control etc.

If your child has mostly been at home he won't have had this, and yes he may well be behind.

It doesn't mean he will always be behind. But he hasn't had the start the other children get from pre school.

You can make this up.

Moving schools is unlilely to help. Work with this one.

You took him out of preschool when he was struggling and now he probably is behind his peers as pre school prepares them for school both academically and socially. Do you put in the work now with him at home? Listen to him read every day? My dd is in reception and is summer born so one of the youngest in her year. I make sure I listen to her read and help her every day, and she’s been moving up the reading groups.

Boys can be quite late to the game with writing. I’ve got one who would barely write anything and then do it very badly until year 2. All I got from
school was he’s very bright but won’t write! Do all the fiddly toys, lots of art work, write in sand, jumbo chalk, mud, use sticks, brushes etc. just encourage mark making and writing. Write shopping lists together and anything else you can think of. Doesn’t matter if it’s not actually legible
With the reading get the extras from Amazon and do the scheme school do. Get some other books in a different scheme to really practice with different stories. The Top Cat series has good stories.

OP there are many reasons a bright child may struggle with specific tasks at school. Some will become more apparent with time (dyslexia, ASD, other things that cause sensory overwhelm). Some may go away over time (catching up what was missed at preschool, confidence etc)

At this stage I agree you should speak with the other teacher. Let them know how your dc is at home and discuss possible reasons why the behaviours might be so different.

Firstly, you are the parent and you know your child far better than a teacher who does 2 days a week in a class of 30 odd children. Having a “quiet” child also may mean that they don’t need to spend as much time with them as he’s probably well behaved. Re the tv, is the teacher thinking he has a problem hearing, when in fact, he’s probably not used to the noise of a classroom, so cannot hear everything. My DC hated nursery and they only did 2 sessions a week so in socialising, particularly my first DC was a bit behind, he loved reading and writing and his only 2 friends were also quiet ones for the first year of school. I would say as someone who helped out in my second DC’s reception class one day a week, is that teachers don’t particularly know a child very well, teaching is mainly to the whole class and there isn’t very much one on one time for the teacher to get to know the children individually. Do they get set simple homework and reading, I know you say he prefers to be read to, so maybe you could try getting him to read a bit more. If you are worried, do ask to see the other teacher with your concerns.

Well, I wouldn’t have pulled him out of preschool. And I don’t think pulling him out of school would do anything other than make this worse.

Take him to have his eyes tested by an optician.

Just to rule out any vision problems.

Please stop moving your child when it doesn’t meet your unrealistic expectations. Instead support him. The teacher did nothing wrong.

simply you’ve a view of your child , which was unrealistic, many parents do, the teacher simply told you where he is in comparison to others.

moving him won’t make him more advanced. You seem to want to blame where ever he is, rather than listen, understand and support your child,

so focus on how to help him, stop trying to make it someone else’s fault.

I'm not surprised you've taken this badly, that sounds like the strangest, most poorly handled parents evening I've ever heard of!

Why is she showing you other kids work??

Why is she basically accusing you of sticking him in front of the TV?

Why the comment about 'the other silent one'??

Absolutely she should be raising with you the things he needs to work on and suggesting how you can help him at home but not like that!!

With my kids the teachers were excellent at the 'shit sandwich' too - tell me something really positive about my kid, tell me what they need to work on, end on a positive note.

I'm not surprised you've come out feeling upset! I've had parents evenings where my kids clearly have stuff to work on but still come out feeling positive as the teacher delivered that message well.

As for removing him from the school, it's difficult to know whether that's the right course of action. It could be he has a good teacher with crap communication skills or it could be one crap teacher in a school full of good teachers. Hard to know. Do you have any parent friends there with older kids who could give you a bit of perspective?

And otoh dd2 was apparently exceeding in everything in reception and is totally average academically.

I’m not sure how much of an indicator any of it is.

Talk to the other teacher before you make any decisions. You might get a more balanced view from the other one. Taking him out at this stage will just set him back further and just because you aren't keen on this particular teacher doesn't mean the others in the school aren't fine.

The fact that he didn't regularly go to preschool might mean he is still adjusting and just needs a bit of extra time to settle in compared to other children who may have already been in this sort of environment for a couple of years. I'm not saying this is a bad thing as it's given him good quality time with you, but he is learning the social skills, routines etc for the first time whereas the others probably aren't.

He may also be in a class with lots of bright kids. Just because the school is in a deprived area doesn't mean the kids are stupid.

I’m not in England but I’m surprised you are only having a first parents evening now and hearing all this for the first time. I’d be irritated at that. It’s back end of Feb and presume he’s been in school since Aug/ Sept? My DC’s school have first parents night style contact with us before the October half term to give us a sense of settling in each year and we even have a written (though brief) effort report by then.

Agree you have to do reading writing and maths at home. A book a day and work your way through the biff chip and kipper ones. Make sure you understand the phonics scheme and don't confuse him.

Writing every morning at the breakfast table. Maths on the way to school.

Not continuing with preschool was an error. He is probably overwhelmed with the noise of the class. My dd had a few children in her year like that and none of them went to preschool. The preschoolers just jostle in and get on with it as it's all normal. So it'll take time for him to get used to it.

I'd only consider moving if there is a school with outstanding results nearby.

Op when you read to him can he see the words and do you point at the words. If not do that.

Moving him won’t help if the same issues were present at pre-school. It seems your instinct is to run (ie move him) as soon as things don’t align with your expectations.

You need a meeting with the school
to find out how you can best support your son. If he behaves differently at home and with other children you know, it could be simply because he is overwhelmed being amongst so many other children. He will adapt and catch up.

How many children are in his class? I have noticed on school trips the louder and more active children will be taking up the teachers time especially at that age. If your son is quiet sadly he be fading into the background. Also to highlight he is having to adjust to a big change with 2 teachers as well. My daughter is 7 and has a different teacher one day a week and she struggled with this for a while. They are all building a relationship together. Have a chat with the other teacher even get to know the teaching assistant as they spend so much time with your son. Sadly some parents do absolutely nothing with their kids so please don't take this to heart. I once had a teacher say to me at parents evening, i obviously read alot to my son as he already knew all the books they had in the class and the mother before me didn't have time to as she had 3 kids. What could i say to that?? Asking what you can do at home will be a massive help.

There is nothing about the school which suggests they’ve let him down. Nursery is a key part of the EYFS. My children went to nursery attatched to the school (youngest in reception now) but the time they start school the aim is for all of them to be able to recognise and write their own names and they were taught a new sound every day from RWI scheme and many children will be blending words like pen. If I’m being brutally honest he has missed a key year of education and has been out of nursery completely sonis getting used to the social aspect so he will find it tricky to catch up. I’m not sure how moving school will help. You needto rwork with school.

I had a below age reading ability until I was 11yo. It's due to dyslexia.

The fact he's making progress is good. Keep at it.

Kids learn at different rates, he sounds bright to me, he will overtake everyone soon enough.

Shame on the teacher for looking down on you - sadly its cos you're in a 'deprived area'.

Def arrange to see someone else. You really should have pulled her up on her snobbery.

Of course you don’t take your child out. I think you may have been too quick to pull him out of preschool because he didn’t like it, and stopped trying to teach him to read and write because he didn’t seem interested, etc

Your son is likely a very bright boy but in terms of reception standards when they are learning phonics, and to write their names etc your son is behind. Work with the school, do things at home to support him, he will catch up.

What would be the reason for moving him? You know there are barriers there, you’ve described them. The teacher is flagging them - rightly so - before I say don’t move I want to know what you think that will achieve.

Was this whole conversation had in front of your child??!
The reality is he will be behind in understanding the social side, mechanisms and routines of a very busy classroom but a bright child with no other struggles will catch up.
Definitely talk to the other teacher and also ask what steps they recommend, how can you support them at home.

I do think you should speak to the other teacher actually - if her communication skills are similar it might tell you a lot about the school ethos.

One thing I would say though, there are many different ways people can be 'bright' - particularly young kids. The school can only measure some of those ways. Not being able to write his name at the age of 4 doesn't mean he's destined for failure in life.