To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

Sorry I was responding to this comment by the OP in response to Ritzy's reply to your post, but I should probably have quoted her and not your Q:

'And just as I was getting all emotional about all the support along comes Ritzy to stick the knife in again.'

I had a similar experience with my first parents evening and came home in tears (and I was a teacher myself). My DH was so annoyed that he never went to a parents evening again! We moved schools and he settled much better.

I helped to get him into reading by buying Osbourne science books as that was what he was interested in and he had lots of the vocabulary. He also was very bright and interested in things but would rather spend time with adults than socialise with his peers. Ultimately he was diagnosed with Asperges Syndrome, which is at the mild end of autism. He always performed well in class but struggled to get decent marks in tests.

By 6th form he had a good group of friends and went on to study Physics with Nuclear Astro Physics (rocket science!) He got his degree after resitting a year, and not the best result but he learned so much from living independently.

You know your child best. I would speak to the other teacher and then go and look at other schools if you need to. It would be worth an assessment to see if he has any special needs. It took until.my DS was 15 before we understood what his problems were and could support him better. Good luck!

Hi. I haven't read all the responses but I wanted to suggest that your first step should be a speech and language assessment. This will look at his social skills and receptive language as well as his expressive language. My daughter turned out to have a clinical disorder and we had no idea. She had problems in a group setting as she couldn't concentrate on what was being said, both in the classroom and in the playground. She coped with one or 2 kids max. Teachers didn't understand her at all as she didnt have a low IQ and one in particular was quite mean imo, never had a nice word to say etc so I do sympathise.

Just thought I'd come back and update as we were able to meet with the second teacher today and I am so relieved!

About his writing, which we raised as a concern based on the other comments, she said he is well within the realms of what she expects in a reception class and not to worry at all. She recommended some things to do at home along the lines of what people have said on here, but said not to push it if he's not keen as that could be counter-productive and it's too early to be a concern. She also said she has no doubt he will be at least 'expected' for for most things by the end of the year and is already there for some and gave the example of him telling her when other children have ordered numbers wrongly, for example. I think I looked horrified at that (him tittle-tattling) and she reassured me that it's normal and what they all do - she had such a warm manner compared to the other teacher, it was a total contrast.

About the 'silent' comment she looked quite shocked and said he's not silent at all. She said he is one of the quieter ones in the class but is coming out of his shell more and more and she hinted that there are a few really loud ones in there which may have made him quieter initially but he is gaining confidence and not silent. She told us how he commented on how the beanstalk in JATB is like a stegosaurus and a couple of other little things like that and he was happy talking to her at points too which has reassured me that he's not silent all day, which was the thing that was most upsetting me so I'm so pleased about that.

All the comments on here about him not going to preschool and that holding him back made me mention it to her so I said I appreciated he may be behind in some areas as a result. She did a bit of a double-take and said she was very impressed with how well he has settled considering that and he had no trouble at all following instructions and picking up the routines, so that was another relief.

Overall it was like we were discussing another child really, which is concerning in itself as it suggests a lack of communication between the teachers, but reading between the lines and going off what dh has picked up on the playground it is quite a challenging class and they probably have other priorities. It was lovely to hear such a positive account of ds and to see him interacting with her so we won't be in a rush to move him but will definitely keep an eye on it and perhaps see how we feel about the teacher he gets next year.

Thanks again to everyone for the comments, so many of which have been helpful and supportive.

What a lovely update. I'm so pleased OP.

I wouldn't be overly concerneded about the communication. If they work different days, it'll be hard for them to ever get time together and likely only communicate over major stuff.

Really glad that your mind has been set at rest now. Reading the first teacher's comments, I did wonder if she had made a lot of assumptions about your son based on the fact he didn't go to Pre school.
One of my friends removed her child from pre school because the child was unhappy. Thirteen years later, this child is flying.

I’m so glad that you had a better experience with this teacher. I do however think it’s a concern that they are not communicating. I’ve been a job share for so long on and off and always discuss the children before parents evening. I would consider speaking to the head about the fact you got such wildly different feedback from them.

I'm glad your son is in such a positive environment for the majority of his week. It sounds as if he is OK the other days too, just quiet.

🙌
Great News OP ☺️

Good update @Nant90 . I hope this puts your mind at rest after all the "ruined by lack of preschool" nonsense.

That's a great update after so many batshit comments. I think you handled it really well, it's not always easy to push back a little when we're not happy with something at school. People on here post as if there are only 2 options - be 'that parent' or accept everything without question. As you've shown, it's quite possible to engage positively with your child's school if there's something you're concerned about.

Lovely update @Nant90 , doesn’t sound like this is a job share that works particularly well if they have such polar views .

I'm so glad to read this update, thank you for posting.
I think you are quite right to see how you feel about the teacher next year - it shows what a huge difference it makes. And this discrepancy is exactly why I don't like the shared teacher role.
I'm sure your little boy will thrive - you being so supportive is half the battle

Putthekettleon73

"If he's not happy he won't learn..if he's chatty, engaged and happy at home but "silent" in school he isn't happy.".

Not true. I was silent as a mouse at school, but very chatty at home and I loved school and was very happy there. It's damaging to make such assumptions.

It's Mumsnet, where miserable people get to take the hatred they have for themselves and their own lives and turn it on others to try and make them as miserable as they are. It's their only source of validation of their own sad life.

Vitriol, degradation, castigation and derision are all some people have to offer the world. It's quite sad and pathetic to me.

A standing ovation! Clapping furiously

That sounds much more like the boy you know. I’ve never experienced a good job share teaching situation so I am not surprised.

I would tease out with your DS if he finds the first teacher difficult or scary. Maybe he’s going into his shell a bit with her

Makes me feel sorry for anyone in her sphere of influence.

How sad to use MN to make yourself feel better by being so nasty to others.

Hopefully, Ritzy will get some MH help to figure out the basis for her posts and behavior.

Reminds me when my bff was talking about last month. They had their development chat with their nursery teacher and that teacher was telling how their son is disruptive, struggles to plays nice and all other things. Friend and her husband took this very seriously and were concerned about this behaviour in daycare and thought of different mechanisms how they can support their child since he's not like that at all when at home.

Then they had to change daycare due to move. They recently had their development chat with the new daycare and asked about all the concerns from previous daycare and the new teacher stared at them like wtf are you talking about.

In that situation with the two reports being chalk and cheese I think I would not do much complain but raise a concern with the headteacher. Clearly the other teacher demonstrates warmth and interest whereas the first one is ignorant and doesn't try to engage with him at all, preferring to blame you and that he is "the silent one".
Kids pick up on adult attitudes, and it sounds like your DS has picked up that the other teacher can't be bothered.

Sounds like some retraining is needed here of the first teacher.

Lovely update OP, what a shame the first teacher put you and your DH through all that worry. It's lucky you have a second teacher, imagine if that was the only perspective you'd be given!

I'm so pleased to read your update. What a shame he doesn't have this teacher full-time as she obviously 'gets' him and gets the best out of him, too.

Some people have been doggedly contrary and unkind on this thread, but that seems to be the current ethos of MN these days. Right under this reply I'm making is an MN request, 'Please be respectful.' From the very first reply, the tone of some posters was gleefully sneering. Anything but respectful or supportive. The determination to put OP down because her little boy didn't go to preschool was absurd (and certainly some of you have far too much slavish and unquestioning devotion to what you believe the benefits of preschool are versus being at home till 4 with a caring and supportive parent.)

i think the OP quite obviously has a way of communicating which was fairly aggressive and absolutely certain of her own correctness and that got people’s backs up. Maybe OP should
listen to your be respectful mantra too. Her absolute unwillingness to conceive she may not have made the absolute correct choices was very annoying tbh

also I don’t have a ‘slavish’ obsession with the benefits vs drawbacks of no preschool. My dd goes to nursery because it works for our family. We wouldn’t be financially solvent on one teachers wage like OP can, she obviously has been smart with money or paid her mortgage off or whatever but props to her, we couldn’t do it. I’m confident it’s the right choice for my youngest dd who is achieving way above age related expectations and is miles ahead of my friends who kids don’t go to any settings. But maybe she would be anyway who knows. It’s the implication that it’s a choice of preschool OR ‘caring and supportive parent’ . You can be a caring and supportive parent with a child in preschool. You can do all the things OP did with her child and more and have your child attend a setting. We do.

I don't think that's fair @KindLemur - I don't think I was aggressive, apart from a bit at Ritzy, but that poster kept coming back and seemed to be attacking me. I acknowledged that lack of pre-school may have contributed to him struggling to adjust but said I couldn't regret it because I don't, and, sorry, but the meeting with the second teacher vindicated that. She hadn't been aware he hadn't attended any pre-school setting for the 6 months leading up to school and was impressed with how well he has adjusted despite that. I never criticised parents who send their children to pre-school, all I did was explain why I didn't send mine and it really was because it coincided with my maternity leave - we had a great year and I don't regret it. Obviously, many people have to use pre-school for financial reasons as well as because they want to and many (probably most) children love it and so it's a positive all round. For us it wasn't - there's no need to see that as a criticism of others' choices or to go on the attack.

And we don't and couldn't survive on one wage - dh has a seasonal job teaching English to students in university and also does some online teaching/examining, which he does from home/at weekends and evenings. We have made choices like not really going on holiday and staying in our inexpensive (mortgaged)house to keep costs down. I haven't attacked anyone but I have had some very harsh comments from a few- a couple of people even suggested I get ds to watch documentaries so I can boast about how clever he is, but I didn't attack those posters back as I didn't even want to dignify that with a response.