To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

I say this without trying to sound horrible or like I’m getting at you, but there was an issue at preschool so you took him out, you’re now being told there’s mild issues at school and considering taking him out. What if 3 weeks before his GCSEs he has an issue at school what do you do just take him out, you can’t. It sounds to me like he has not had much access to socialisation and is comfortable around his usual 3 friends and this is something that needs working on. I’d start him in a hobby or two, Squirrel scouts, football, rugby tots, martial arts, drama and dance class. There is an almost unlimited array of hobbies for 4 year olds. There will even be holiday clubs - even in our semi rural village we have a woodland forest club thing, free council run play club, the local dance school does a musical theatre club 10-2 every day in holidays, football club does on. These are all reception up and they’re not about the skills they learn really it’s about socialising and learning how to act around other kids.

you feel judged because you thought you’d be told how amazing your son is and you weren’t. Doesn’t make your son any less amazing, he is your precious boy and nothing his teachers say changes that. You can’t just move him from an environment every time anything less than how amazing he is brought up, you obviously know this deep down. Some kids really don’t have paper pens or books at home, some kids don’t have any parent speaking English to them, some kids are caring for younger siblings when they’re 4/5 so don’t have time to draw and read. The teacher will know this and be checking if there’s anything you can do to support at home. She’s not trying to criticise your lives.

It wasn’t a huge mistake to take him out of preschool. He isn’t ’behind’ the others. He’s just not been taught to write his name or whatever the other preschool ‘school ready’ tickboxes are. He might not be a super confident people person. But he sounds brilliant - and you have been doing all of the right things with him. Preschool is brilliant but so is spending the time with them they need to do all of the things you did. My daughter was ‘behind’ in reading all the way though the early years and scored the highest in the two classes on on the SATs in the reading. The teacher rang me to tell me.! also didn’t force her to read but encouraged her love of books by reading to her. Try not to worry- you sound like a lovely mum but moving them around too much can be damaging. Sounds like he’s made a lovely little friend who he gets on with.

I think taking him out of preschool was a mistake - they learn so many skills that set them up for school, and give them the courage to figure stuff out on their own. You can just keep taking him out or away every time things are hard or difficult, you're repeatedly setting him up for failure.

I think you just need to keep encouraging him and supporting him, arrange some playdates, model reading and writing.

The teacher sounds like a condescending arse.

Showing you other students work to shame your son's and asking if you've got the TV on all the time? I would have challenged her for her rudeness there and then.

Being ok when the setting is pure play and fun is totally different to when a setting / school expects some kind of led learning.

His fine when he can play and how he wants see you reading not him trying to. But when his told or given an activity to do then it becomes the problem.

That doesn’t sound like a school or preschool problem and it probably would of helped to keep him in not just in the sense of pushing him forward but also in picking up possible issues he may have that can be overcome with a bit of intervention.

Just keep up with the reading and doing things that help towards the fine skills that will help his writing. Colouring, painting, bead bracelets all those things.

The messenger wants shooting in this case. Well not quite but perhaps a little bit of help with her delivery.

You teach secondary don't you? My kids are in secondary and I absolutely would expect a 'blunter' approach there. In fact at my last parents evening for my 18 year old he had a new maths teacher who told me 'if the other teachers hadn't told me how bright he was I wouldn't have known as he shows no evidence of it in my class'. I'm good with that kind of feedback at his age. He's year 13 and needs to be told short and sharp if he's risking messing up his A levels.

But a first parents evening for a 4 year old?? This is the parents first proper interaction with the school and the way the teacher has handled it has left her wanting to pull her kid out rather than thinking about working with the school to help her child. Crazy.

Look at the school environment as a whole - what's the culture like - are they interested in nurturing children as individuals or is it a very much 'this is the way we do things at this school'. He is very young but the teachers have such pressure on them, this one's attitude/people skills sounds pretty poor from your post so I'd ask for additional meetings. Sitting doing workbooks is a crock of shit at this age, the whole point of EYFS was to learn through play - and if you can't play at 4/5 when can you?

I'd look at moving him only if he is unhappy. My 5 year old started school refusing because her outstanding school put too much pressure on the children. We moved her to a "Good" school with smaller classes where she is flourishing.

It’s a common MN trope that those of us who send our kids to nursery CBA to look after them and here is the prime example of why that’s untrue.

He is being measured against peer who have an enormous advantage over him. I know it’s hard to hear but yes it was a huge mistake to
remove him. It would be an even bigger mistake to move him to another school.

You thought he was advanced and perfect, he’s not. It must be a shock to hear but work with the school, really make the most of your evenings and weekends to do activities that will support his learning, and don’t get defensive or embarrassed, would you rather they weren’t honest with you?

I wouldn't jump to move him. I don't love the way the teacher spoke to you (and I'm a teacher so usually give them the benefit of the doubt). I'd ask to speak to the other one and get a bit of clarification.

I don't think it matters if he's ahead at the moment or even a bit behind. I'd want to know he was happy, settled and socialising well as well as engaged and making progress.

I just wanted to add
”the other silent one”
is not ok with me - I’d be hurt by that too. It’s badly phrased and pigeon-holing. That could have easily been phrased differently and “oh yes, I’ve seen them together and they are both quite eg shy / not forthcoming but support each other”

We had this exact issue, called into Reception and told all this stuff about our child which was like hearing about another kid. We nearly moved schools over it but we didn’t. We felt he was really intelligent and bright and they implied he couldn’t do basic tasks like hang his coat up when asked. It was so upsetting at the time.
Turned out he was highly anxious at school and we did years later get a diagnosis for him (dyspraxia) and in hindsight a lot of the teachers concerns turned out to be linked to this.
However - we stayed, we put in place support for him and he is now doing brilliantly. He is academically near the top of the year group and he does have friends albeit a small group and mostly girls. But he is happy and chatty and doing well. I still think the teacher went in too heavy with us when he was just a 4 year old but there was some truth in it all in the end.

OP please don’t let people telling you it was a mistake to take him out of preschool make you feel bad. School and work life is long and you gave him another lovely year at home with you which is worth more than anything. Your little boy will catch up, don’t worry! I would be careful about pushing him too hard to catch up straight away. He may be very tired after school. See what he can manage and yes if he has the energy do a little bit of reading every day. Also, find some fun games to strengthen his fingers, rather than necessarily jumping to handwriting practice if his fingers aren’t strong enough for penci grip. Reception children are 4 abd 5. That’s tiny! There’s a life time of learning ahead . Slow and steady wind the race. And yes, definitely ask to meet with both teachers. That parents evening doesbt sound great. And even if the bees had been delivered better a follow up meeting would still be helpful

So this teacher sees him two days a week? Hmmm you definitely need to talk to the other teacher. Either way he's only 4, how he draws or forms his letters now is no predictor of how well he will do in life! My ds was still struggling with hand writing in year 2, he's now in GCSE year and is predicted to get really good grades. He still can't draw for toffee - but neither can I!

This exactly. My DS's writing wasn't great in reception (left handed which didn't help) but he's now year 1 and the improvement is unbelievable.

This teacher's people skills are lacking for reception. There's no need to be showing you other childrens' work to make a point.

Believe what your gut is telling you.

I had exactly this situation.
After the first parents evening I came away with a cold lump of fear in my gut. Not only was my child horribly behind the other children but they showed no interest.

To cut a long story short I found a prep school I liked, had a long chat with the headmistress who was also SEN qualified. She then met with my child and spent a LONG time with them..
Her verdict was boredom and didn't like to rock the boat. In other words, not a squeaky wheel.
I moved schools and they were a different child. Their reading age went up 6 years in one term (apparently only volunteer readers read with the children at the old school) and a problem with their eyes was identified (a tracking problem which once identified was easily fixed).
That child got a first at a major uni a few years ago, bought into a startup company and is now earning 6 figures under 30 years old.

My child could have been labelled as "a struggler" and gone nowhere, but instead, flew.

It's hard to read that people felt we did the wrong thing taking him out of preschool but I just couldn't see the benefit of taking him somewhere he wasn't enjoying and didn't need to be.

Surely with hindsight you can see the benefit though?

@Nant90 back in the old days dc didn’t do nurseries. Most dc starting school we’re lucky if they’d been to a playgroup.
Of course because they all had the same start their abilities would probably be similar and the teachers would expect different outcomes to now.
These dc learned to read and write and some became educators themselves. The only thing I struggled to learn in the 60’s was how to knit and that’s because I’m left handed.

I can’t think of a better place for a dc to be than with a good mum who is chatting and reading to her dc.
You've done nothing wrong.
Your dc is happy and he will progress in his own time.
When he’s doing GCSE’s you’ll wonder why you ever worried about reception class.

As ever in this like, extroverts are rewarded and introverts are scorned. Your son sounds lively and the teacher sounds like a bully. "The other silent one"? What's wrong with being quiet? Definitely call a meeting and ask her if she judges all the children in her class that way.

Your son sounds lovely. So what if he's not an artist, maybe he's the next great thinker. He'll catch up but clearly has preferences already. He sounds intelligent to me.

He was always going to be behind those that went to preschool - as they've spent a lot of time preparing for school, which isn't something he has done.

That's not a judgement or anything, it's lovely he's been able to spend time with you both while he could - but he just won't be as ready as them.

I don't think pulling him out and moving him is the answer because you don't really agree with them, they're the trained professionals and if you move schools you will probably just get the same response from that school.

Hi OP. Just to say being behind with writing / painting doesn’t mean your DS isn’t clever or intelligent. It’s a physical skill and takes practice that’s all. My eldest went to nursery and couldn’t hold a pencil when he started. He never enjoyed colouring etc at nursery so just didn’t do it. He could read well and he just caught up with writing with the enforced practice at school.

The only reason I’d move him is for a smaller setting if you think that would suit him.

It will all come with time. If he’s happy to go in I’d be happy for now.

P.S some of the replies are awful. You haven’t ruined his life by pulling him out of preschool.

Dear OP, please don’t get disheartened just yet. It was not a mistake to take him out of preschool, it was a choice that made sense for your family in your individual circumstances. From what you said it sounds like it allowed your son to develop other skills better than children in childcare (e.g. sounds like he might know more about nature and dinosaurs than an average reception age child) but not develop some of the other skills just yet e.g. letter writing. And that’s okay! Children of that age develop and catch up really quickly. Just get the feedback from his teachers trying not to get too emotional about it and support him in working on the areas where he hasn’t got enough practice yet. When they start covering content areas that he knows a lot about - it will be his time to shine.

Of course it could be the setting if he doesn't feel safe there. He felt safe at toddler groups because his mum was there. Completely normal for a small child to feel safe with his parents.

The teacher did a bad job of parents' evening. She shouldn't have been comparing to other children or making comments like that. Saying that, if he is happy, try not to worry too much. Chatting with the other teacher is a good plan.

We found DS's Reception teacher a bit odd. He was doing very well academically but very quiet, I think because he didn't quite 'get' her and partly because he would get absorbed in his play. He was happy enough though. He's moved to year 1 and it's much better. Partly I think the teacher is more predictable in her responses and partly the increased structure suits him. When all the class are sitting at tables writing, it's easier for him to focus than when some are writing but most are off playing. He is growing in confidence and they are starting to see more of the boy we see at home.

Change schools asap.

This. Being quiet doesn’t mean he isn’t intelligent.