When a relative bites your child

[Roberta2020]

I don't want to delve into details, because I am still angry about it.
Let's just say that a relative on my husband's side bit my child to teach them 'how it feels when you bite your brother'.
I was raised to be respectful of elders, so obviously I said nothing and consoled my screaming child, but since then I have felt unable to leave my child alone around that relative.
The relative in question, after saying 'I did it for his own good', changed their tune and started saying they did not do it in front of my husband. My child is adamant he was bitten.
I trust my child. I am not willing to leave him alone with that relative again.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being too much? Should I give them the benefit of doubt?

Meh. He won't bite again

I don't think it's great if someone does this who isn't the parent but I'm not concerned about a dp showing their dc how it hurts and isn't good to bite people

What's omg method?

Your parents stapled your finger??! Jesus.

I would definitely never leave any of your children alone with this person again. I need some clarification. Were you at the visit when your DC was bitten or was this person babysitting? Had your DC just bitten his brother or was this relative responding to past incidents? How old is your DC? There may be even more issues with this person depending on the answers. Also, what does your DH think about his relative assaulting your DC?

I was raised to be respectful of elders, so obviously I said nothing and consoled my screaming child, but since then I have felt unable to leave my child alone around that relative.

That's shocking, and something you should probably talk to someone about. Respecting elders is one thing, allowing your child to be bitten and saying nothing is not that.

My child wouldn't be seeing them again.

But it's fine for your dc to hurt them in the first place and for you to punch the offender in the face

Surely there are degrees of retaliation

Were you there? Was your child hurt?

There a huge difference between demonstrating biting isn’t nice and biting to hurt.

Watch puppies and their mum. If they leave their litter too soon they don’t get taught how to control their bite strength because we don’t protest nip them back!

oh my god, how could they do such a thing

I am 65, I would never ever in a million years have attacked my children in this way, neither would my parents born in the 1920's.

Please don't perpetuate the myth that all older people are violent and mad.
Some people are just nasty inadequate parents, age is irrelevant.

Openly admitting to the abuse of your child is a wild one.

Hardly abuse

When you look at the horror stories in the media such as Sara Sharif or baby P

However you see fit to punish your own children for biting is up to you......NO ONE has the right to 'teach your child a lesson in that way' .......completely out of order and you have the right to be furious.

This relative's judgement is clearly off if they think they can physically harm your child as a reasonable form of discipline without your consent, and then later when they start to think it might be unreasonable, starts lying about it to your husband to avoid consequences.

Batshit, avoid.

Dear God, if you can’t see that’s a separate issue you’re as bad as the relative!

Hear, hear.

I don't think it's necsaary to bite a child to stop biting - but it's especially inappropriate to do that to someone else's child - it's not your call to make and you don't have the same relationship a parent does.

So yes I'd make sure they aren't alone with child again but you also have to step in and speak up when they do stuff you don't agree with.

Had to do that with IL - over safety concerns rather than hitting - for years till it got through to them that unless their attitude shifted they weren't getting kids alone - it was exhausting at times being on constant vigilance but going NC wasn't going to fly with DH and so it was best I was there to advocate for my kids - and attutides did slowly change.

Its an old school method and they may think you're lacking in trying to stop it happening. I wouldn't like it but you need to keep an eye on your child to ensure they don't do it in the first place.

No matter who it was, they admitted it at first so they definitely did it and I would have torn a strip off them right there & then & not have my children around them again.They have absolutely no right to bite your children, discipline is your domain not theirs.

Okay so before everyone derails the post, this was not abuse, it may be considered abuse now by the flaky way in which we parent, as in we have no control over our children, the teachers have no control of the children and the police have no control over children.

When this happened it was over 30 odd years ago, this is not an excuse and I will not be apologising for teaching my daughter a valuable lesson.

As the saying goes opinions are like arse holes and everyone has one.

You don't have to like or agree with what I did, but at the time it was the correct thing to do for me.

They can but you don’t need to bite them to show them.

You going to run them over to make sure they know why we look both ways?

Pour boiling water on them to show them we are careful with that?

Or is biting your kid the line you won’t cross?

Regardless on what your are doing to curb your child’s biting, there is no way on earth any relative should be chomping on your child in retaliation to ‘teach them a lesson’. I’d also be very concerned that they are now denying it.
Apparently I was a biter as toddler and my Mum bit me back, hard enough to make me cry and I apparently I never did it again.
One of my children was a biter when frustrated/angry and I can hand on heart say that I NEVER bit him back. I do not understand the concept of ‘it’s wrong to do something but I am going to do it to you’… Older relatives advised me to bite back, however despite me not doing it, once his speech improved so he could verbally say why he was cross etc the biting stopped, it was just a case of recognising the signs until then and stepping in before he could do it.
Everyone I know was brought up to respect their elders but I can’t think anyone would just not say anything in this situation.
You are your child’s advocate, and I would be making it very clear that you believe your child’s and that in future they are to consult you before taking any form of parenting steps they feel the need to take.
For me the lying and back tracking would mean that they would not be allowed unattended access to my child, it’s one thing to overstep and make a mistake as a close family member and apologise but to deny it is awful.
I would also get a little bit ahead of the situation and report it to your child’s relevant safeguarding person at nursery if they go etc because regardless of this was acceptable years ago, it’s definitely not deemed acceptable now.

Doesn’t matter if it happened 30 years ago or 30 mins ago it is, and has always been, abuse.

I was a child 30 years ago and my parents would never have done this to me, because it was abusive.

But whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better I guess.

My daughter bit me once around the same age, I said ouch, no, that hurt mummy with a stern voice and she also never did it again. It was likely an impulse thing because she’s a toddler. Biting your child back probably had zero effect on them biting/not biting again, you just hurt your child.

Jesus absolutely no way would I have this and I would've hit the roof as soon as it happened, I would've been out of there immediately and told said relative that they will not be having any further contact with my child. Bite my child?! I don't bloody think so, elder or otherwise no one is going to be biting my children