When a relative bites your child

[Roberta2020]

I don't want to delve into details, because I am still angry about it.
Let's just say that a relative on my husband's side bit my child to teach them 'how it feels when you bite your brother'.
I was raised to be respectful of elders, so obviously I said nothing and consoled my screaming child, but since then I have felt unable to leave my child alone around that relative.
The relative in question, after saying 'I did it for his own good', changed their tune and started saying they did not do it in front of my husband. My child is adamant he was bitten.
I trust my child. I am not willing to leave him alone with that relative again.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being too much? Should I give them the benefit of doubt?

Well, exactly. Full on biting a child isn't a 'gentle' bite that pp was claiming provides the shock needed.

It seems to me that there's a choice to make. You can give your child a mild bite through clothing (No - not a painful bite. A pressure bite). Or you can give your little one a lecture and accept the danger that your child will continue to bite other children and lose friends over it. One of my children was bitten so hard through a jumper, shirt and vest that he was left with teeth prints and bruising. The mother gave a gentle telling off to her boy but I never visited her again.

Of course there's more than 2 options. You can tell a child off and they can have consequences that doesn't have to include biting a child.

I don't believe 'a mild pressure bite' would stop a child, you have to harm them for it to cause the 'shock' that kind of parent looks for. And there is a danger to taking that choice too, the danger that it will be deemed that you are ill equipped to parent a child or keep them safe.

Which would be an accurate thing to deem, in relation to a parent intentionally causing harm to their child.

I told my daughter that if another child hurts her physically to first tell them to stop. If that doesn't help push them away gently. Then harder and finally if none of those work she can hit or kick then. This includes her little toddler brother. I think girls in particular need to learn that they have every right to defend themselves even against someone who they believe they are close to or loves them.

If an adult assaults her the best thing is to scream as loudly as possible and get away but if they are holding her she can kick scratch bite whatever.

I'd never ever allow an adult to get away with physically hurting one of my kids. Violence is only allowed to defend yourself or someone else. Not for anything else, including teaching a lesson.

Absolutely.

Are social services overstretched. They don't seem to be able to deal with very serious abuse cases or sort out teenage murderers

It seems very trivial to me in comparison

hear hear.

flaky parents having no control.
teachers having no control.
police having no control.

this is the reality. I see it the little angels everyday at work.
cant even shout at the little darlings to actually sit down and do their work - then you get the parents phoning up and saying their little cherub is being...wait for it...bullied by staff.

maybe going old school might b a better approach? clearly the softly softly approach is working soooooo well.

As mentioned up thread, there is a GULF of difference between being a flaky parent and actually biting your child!

It is perfectly possible to be firm with your kid, teach them not to bite or hurt others without actually biting them yourself!

It is your job to protect your child but also to train it. How close is this relative?
Some of the advice on here is OTT if it is a parent in law (report to police), I can just imagine the trouble that would cause you.
A mother bear will protect its young but give the cub a clout if it out of order.

i can just imagine the response you'd get !

Because I seriously doubt you'd get a response at all for one, and hat happens next if they do? Ruptured relations between the people involved, something that could be fdealt with and forgotten about causes problems that ripple on and on. Get a grip..I'm amazed how many people think involving the police is appropriate as a first course of action here and in many other instances. Adults should be adulting. Discuss.

This ! NOT 'call the police'

I'd be very concerned if the police didn't take child abuse seriously.

You assume many things here, including defining child abuse

I can see your point up to a point! My parents often had my children and were told that they were to do whatever was necessary to discipline them if necessary. I did know though, that any punishment would be a last resort and they would never, ever, hurt them. I didn’t need to tell them that it wasn’t allowed. They had never hit me so I had no reason to believe they would suddenly become monsters. Any discipline required would take the form of treats being withheld or some such, never violence.

How else would you describe biting a child? I'm very confident that the police wouldn't tell me that it isn't a police matter.

Severity and intent are all. A play bite to show the child that this is wrong is one thing ( and my parents did it to us). Breaking skin, bruising -something else entirely.

I was bitten so much by my 15month old DD I looked like I was being beaten. I never bit her back but god I considered it when at my absolute wits end trying to get her to stop. I ended up covering my arm in English mustard, that was a nice little shock for her and she never did it again.

in my former job in safeguarding I know of two instances of a toddler being taken into care because a parent bit them back ‘to teach them a lesson’ this ended up in lengthy parenting assessments and court proceedings. This is considered child abuse.

@daleylama

You assume many things here, including defining child abuse

Severity and intent are all. A play bite to show the child that this is wrong is one thing ( and my parents did it to us). Breaking skin, bruising -something else entirely.

If someone bites a child to teach them not to do it to others, they have to do it hard enough that it hurts the child otherwise it would be pointless.

Biting a child hard enough it hurts is abusive.

If your husband bit you hard enough that it hurts, would you not think that was abusive?

What low standards you must have to not see it as an abusive act.

Calling it a 'play bite' is just a cutesy way of down playing what they are doing to the child, it's the same when people claim they 'tap' their child where really, it is still a smack.

It isn't a 'play bite' to bite a child hard enough to show that it is wrong. If you aren't hurting them then you aren't showing them why it is wrong which is the whole point.

You're not biting your dh in the first place though

You clearly haven't tried it. No pain necessary. Try raising 4 children and see how you go