When a relative bites your child

[Roberta2020]

I don't want to delve into details, because I am still angry about it.
Let's just say that a relative on my husband's side bit my child to teach them 'how it feels when you bite your brother'.
I was raised to be respectful of elders, so obviously I said nothing and consoled my screaming child, but since then I have felt unable to leave my child alone around that relative.
The relative in question, after saying 'I did it for his own good', changed their tune and started saying they did not do it in front of my husband. My child is adamant he was bitten.
I trust my child. I am not willing to leave him alone with that relative again.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being too much? Should I give them the benefit of doubt?

' was raised to be respectful of elders, so obviously I said nothing and consoled my screaming child, '

Translation - I won't stick up for my child as I don't want to appear rude.

There's no obviously about it, you've sent a clear message to your child that you will keep quiet if they are hurt by anyone!

It's hard to comment as I don't know your relationships...but has it stopped your child from biting his brother?

Maybe the relative in question saw the little shit bite his brother badly and had to deal with the aftermath. Poor parenting brings all this about.

Ate you serious ? Report to social services is a ridiculous suggestion . A talk with the relative on how you deal with your child and how it’s not upto others to discipline in any way , unless agreed with you , is enough . While it is wrong, your child is fine and to be honest probably won’t bite again . Either talk to them or move on and don’t see them again

Oh I don’t disagree in that sense, I had a biting situation with my daughter when she was a tot, I tried every which way to get her to stop but nothing worked, and many people said to me “you need to give her a taste of her own medicine” but I didn’t want to entertain that idea until I was out of options. And low and behold nothing else worked so I bit her, she never did it again thankfully. But the point I was making is that it wasn’t that relatives decision to make, I wouldn’t have dreamt of making that choice if it was one of my friends children, that would be their decision.

@daleylama

Over reaction much !!

If a stranger at soft play bit your child because they had bitten theirs, would you honestly not report it? Why is it acceptable to bite a child just because you're related to them?

Given the number of other posters on this thread who have also said they would report this to the police, I don't think it is an overreaction, no.

Biting someone is assault, and an adult biting a child is child abuse. Both of these are crimes. The police exist to investigate crimes. Why would you not report a crime against your child to the police?

It cuts both ways. If OPs child is going around biting people. OP can be reported to social services. They will get involved and could pull the child due to parenting concerns.

The number of people supporting what this relative did (and even confessing they did the same thing when their child was little) is very concerning.

A 2 year olds brain does not work like that. All they are learning is this adult is not safe, it’s okay for people to hurt me, my mummy and daddy will not advocate for me if I am hurt.

This is assault and is cruel what your relative did. If you tell your GP I believe they will have to make a safeguarding report and Social Services may get involved. I strongly think you should as this needs to be recorded.

What has your husband done about it? Especially as his side of the family.

Do not leave your child alone with this person again. Or anyone in the family that supported their behaviour. Send a strongly worded email to them and all involved that it was a serious breach of trust, they should have come to you, and any further violence towards your child will
be reported to the police. You HAVE to start advocating for your child, even if your husband won’t.

Also, re biting sibling, try to figure out why it is happening: are they trying to get siblings or your attention, get a siblings toy, is child teething or anything else. Then help them meet that need in a more functional way - using words or sign to ask for the toy or practicing turn taking, asking for hugs etc to get siblings attention, chewies or crunchy foods to meet any sensory needs etc.

Punishment is less effective than getting to the bottom of why the behaviour is occurring in the first place.

You think it is normal because it was your normal. Because it happened to you, you think child abuse is OK. But it isn't and most people don’t go through what you did.

It doesn't. SS know that a 4 YO biting in the realms of normal development. If the parent mentioned they were struggling, they could refer back to the HV or early help to support the parent. The would not be concerned about the behaviour though. A parent biting a child is not normal and would be concerning to them, rightly so.

Seeing as OP has said that she didn't challenge the relative at the time because she was taught to respect her elders, it's obvious that the relative is older than OP, so not a 4 year old.

That's rubbish and you know it. Not all small children bite, but it is within the bounds of normal behaviour and there are lots of other ways to stop a small child from biting that doesn't include an adult biting a small child.

The threshold for removing a child from their parents' care is high and includes physical, emotional and sexual abuse and neglect which would not be the case here.

What difference would that make a toddler has been assaulted. It is very serious. If the relative has children, they are at risk of investigation as this is the worst possible example of parenting.

"It cuts both ways. If OPs child is going around biting people. OP can be reported to social services. They will get involved and could pull the child due to parenting concerns."

Don't be so ridiculous.

Children biting is a problem and needs to be addressed. It is not acceptable. I’m saying this as a mum whose daughters were bit reportedly by my nephews. My own sister’s children. I’m still angry about it almost 20 years later (this post stirred that up. It isn’t something I ruminate on.)

I can certainly tell you I was tempted in my frustration to give the kid a little nip but would NEVER EVER do it.

you’re not actually teaching them it is wrong if you bite them.

but the kid needs to be punished.

the relative is clearly in the wrong and that they jumped to physical punishment quickly is real concern. This can be addressed with discussion, boundaries and education. Things have changed since they were kids. Lord knows my parents used to beat me. It was acceptable (to a certain extent) when I was a kid. But it wasn’t “right”. I didn’t best my kids. I would NEVER attempt to physically reprimand my grandchild.

That the relative LIED about it afterwards is even worse. The LYING means you never ever leave them alone with the kid. The lying could move on to so many things. You could never trust what they say.

Encouraging the child to bite back? Where does it end?

Threads like this really make me worry what goes on behind closed doors in people's houses.

@imarchtoadifferentdrummer

I agree with the parents biting the child to teach them, or encouraging the child they bit to bite them back, but not with some random person - relative or not - just taking it into their own hands and biting a child!

So it's logical to you for the child's safe person (parent) to bite them but not for a stranger or non parent relative to?

It's even worse and far more confusing for their safe person to harm them intentionally than for a stranger or non parent relative to do so!

Unacceptable for an adult to bite a child. Ever. I can't believe so many people on this thread are condoning it.

Let alone people recounting being burned or having their skin stapled by parents without realising this was abuse.

I know 😅 what planet do some people live on

I cannot get over the dangerous and twisted teaching logic on this thread, it goes against every teaching principles, commonsense, nurturing, early years work there is and more.

I don't agree with the old school physical abuse approach. I was a biter as a child. I have issues, learning difficulties, didn't make friends easily and was bullied. My retaliation was biting although it wasn't too often just a phase. My parents weren't overly strict ( it was the late 70s) but gave me a stern talking to about my behaviour and being grounded, sent to my room etc. But they did realise I had issues and was being bullied too which they told teachers. So there may well be some underlying issue as to why your child is bitting which needs to be addressed. And as for being bitten back as punishment when it's not your own child is n in no way acceptable as they're not the child's parent and have no right to decide on the correct punishment other than telling them it's wrong and that there going to tell you what they did. It's up to you to not them to punish your child.

@PuttingouttheFirewithGasoline
I don't understand why you're saying that it's twisted logic ?
Surely it's very basic logic, teaching someone that if they don't want something unpleasant happening to them, they shouldn't do that unpleasant thing to someone else first.
It's absolutely natural consequences.

A child getting bit back after first biting another child is natural consequences.

An adult biting a child to teach them not to bite is twisted logic.

😮There is respecting your elders then
being a parent to your child that you are supposed to protect!
So now it’s okay for adults to assault your child?
Where is your backbone.