Children- would you do it again?

[AtWitsEnd21]

I was scrolling the other day and came across a viral video of a mother saying her dream was to be a mother but it hasn’t been what she thought it would be and wished she had dreamed bigger. Many of the comments were from mothers saying if they had the choice again, they would remain childless.

Personally, I have mixed feelings. Having children has meant extreme sacrifice- stress, sleep, money, interests, an always clean and tidy house, nights out and away, my appearance has suffered because I’m so sleep deprived I look about 10 years older. I love my children more than anything but it has been so hard.

Just interested in what other people’s feelings are

I'd like to see the difference in answer depending on the ages of your children

I found the teenage and young adult years the hardest by a long, long way

Absolutely, they're the best part of my life.

You can’t ‘fix’ your childhood. You can work hard in therapy, make a free choice to have a child, and to parent that child better than you were parented, acknowledging that you will make different, but hopefully better errors..

I never understand the 'I wish I hadn't had them' thing because surely the first child is your reality check re the demands of parenting. Having more when you already know what it's like and what your partner is like is an entirely informed decision.

My friend had a second with her twat boyfriend, she has no regrets and adores her kids, but she gave a decade of her life to 100% parenting and had absolutely nothing for herself.

This is exactly what I was going to say. My entire 18-30 years were spent travelling, either working abroad or having fun backpacking. I had an amazing time and was completely care-free, and had I not had been able to have a child (and now trying for a second) I would have continued this lifestyle, but I definitely felt ready for settling down, and I’d have my child again 100%, and in the same timeline that I’ve done.

I de-aged once mine both got over 5 😂 I thought it was permanent aging but it was just tiredness.

I would definitely still have them. I think seperating has made that a firm yes though as I get regular breaks.
I might change my mind if they had additional needs or a difficult personality

I kind of agree here.

I split up with ex not long after child was born. He was rubbish. No help with anything, incompetent when he had to do anything and complaining about me not prioritising him first. It was stressful and a lonely time. DC on the other hand is a pure joy and surprisingly I feel I have the time and focus now to appreciate them more without a useless, selfish DH. We have lots of fun and I love that I have been entrusted with such a special little person ❤️

I would always choose to be a mother but the reality of parenthood was the reason why we stopped at 1.

It was harder than I thought it would be and I knew I was struggling amd would have been a worse mother to 2 kids.

I have an amazing and easy child so I honestly couldn't risk rolling the dice.

I definitely would have them again. I didn’t particularly want children and had my first mainly because my DH wanted kids. But I have honestly loved every second of having kids. Should have had more in retrospect.

That said, to date, we’ve had a pretty easy ride with our 2 so we’re very lucky.

Yes I'd absolutely do it again. I'd love to have a 5th but at almost 37 I worry about the quality of my eggs. I know my fertility is still good but I worry about the risks of a disabled child. And Dh is even older in mid-forties. Looking back, I wish we'd not had 3-4 year gaps between each one but just got on with popping them out!
The only part I truly hate about motherhood is the chronic worry, and I'm not even anxious by nature. But even minor issues like dyslexia, dyscalculia, crooked teeth, a tooth that looks like it may get a cavity, a stutter, febrile convulsions, a phase of siblings hitting, a child crying before school in the mornings etc etc over the last 13 years.. all these things do wear you down with all the worry and laying awake at night fretting. That's without even the stress of the expense, normal illness, trips to a&e, friends picking on them at school and resulting loss of confidence and most of all - worrying about their future and the state of the world which seems to be getting much worse all the time.

I have this fantasy that I can time travel my family back to approx 1990 and raise them there. It wasn't perfect, but it was so much better.

I don’t think this is an accurate view to take. My first DS was a very easy baby, he never really cried, was almost always happy and content, played easily, I was able to take him to all manner of activities and family events. All of which remains true now at 3.5. Second DC is the complete opposite, and always has been since birth. Their temperaments could not be more different. The demand that caring for a child that cried all day every day for almost a year and even now cries and complains much more than is typical, is at times totally overwhelming. Nothing about my first experience of being a mother could have prepared me for second DC

I think answers will depend on circumstances. How helpful partner is, whether grandparents are involved and helpful, whether you work
PT/FT, how much money you have, if you’re a SAHP, the disposition and personality of your child/ren, if there is any SEN etc…

Yes I would do it again. I would have liked to have them a couple of years earlier (but it wasn’t to be) . I would also prefer to have worked less in the early years - but economic reality dictated that one.

Its hard to say now that my child is actually here, but I certainly wouldn't want to handle the stress, the sleeplessness, all the negatives of having a child.

I wouldn’t. It’s too hard, I feel like it’s changed my whole personality.

I wish I’d aimed higher than just giving birth, there’s more to life than that.

I honestly wouldn’t. I’ve loved being a parent but despite that I’d do life differently if I can a replay.

Mine are older - young adults & teens - and life is just so tough. I can’t see much good for them in the future.

Yes I would. I was never particularly maternal until I had them. But they are my biggest achievement, and now my grandchildren are continuing the joy.

No 😂

Yes, I'd still have children. I'd choose a different father for them though, if I could. Our joy would have been much increased if they had a father who was emotionally and physically present for more of the time. I don't feel guilty or that I've let them down because I see so many useless, self-indulgent fathers and so few that I'd actually swap theirs for (he's in no way Dad of the Year, but he provides for them, takes them places, occasionally cares for them and occasionally engages with them on some level).

I also don't understand the "if it was so tough, why didn't you stop at 1?" arguments. I can totally understand why some people might prefer to have one child, but not all of us would have found one easier. It's a different family set-up. I had a fairly large age gap between my two so my older one was an only child for a good long while before the younger one came along, and although two have been physically and logistically more challenging, they have also been easier emotionally for me as I don't have to constantly 'make the party'. I get more downtime with two than I did with one. Ultimately, it's personality-dependent - it depends on the children and it depends on the parents.

No I definitely wouldn't do it again if I had my time over.

I find the anxiety that having children causes me crippling.

I'm not surprised with such views - the tendency in today's Western world is to promote your own happiness and focus on yourself. I have a more traditional approach - life is not about you but about the future and making the future best for next generation and our job is to prepare our kids for the future the best we can. Having my kids was very hard, especially first 3 years with the eldest one who was hyperactive, but it has paid off in the end - I can see how intelligent and clever he is, how he starts to develop hobbies and can see a successful future for him - I'm really proud and happy for him. There will be a time when he grows up and then I can do something for myself and I cannot think why I would resent having him.

Yes, but only if I could start fairly young and had a very stable situation financially and a great partner.

I had my daughter at 36 with a monstrous narcissist and had to move out and start again. This has really set me back in a lot of ways.

I've never regretted having kids. There have definitely been challenges along the way but, now they've both just about reached adulthood, I often think what a privilege it is to be their mum and how much motherhood has taught me. I also think it's impossible to feel the love you have for your children in any other relationship.

Having said that, I'm looking forward to having a bit more money and hopefully a little less stress.

Yes. I love being a mum and I’ve found it very fulfilling. Nothing else has brought me as much happiness and contentment.

My children are older teens and young adults and I do worry about the world they’re going into though. If I was thinking of having children now, that is the thing that may make me hesitate.