Children- would you do it again?

[AtWitsEnd21]

I was scrolling the other day and came across a viral video of a mother saying her dream was to be a mother but it hasn’t been what she thought it would be and wished she had dreamed bigger. Many of the comments were from mothers saying if they had the choice again, they would remain childless.

Personally, I have mixed feelings. Having children has meant extreme sacrifice- stress, sleep, money, interests, an always clean and tidy house, nights out and away, my appearance has suffered because I’m so sleep deprived I look about 10 years older. I love my children more than anything but it has been so hard.

Just interested in what other people’s feelings are

Yes, but would do some things differently. Haven't lost myself.

I relate to the the poster that said this and I think I know what she means (although I expect I'm considerably older than her)! I had my child in the late 70's but by the mid 80's there were far more options for women, along with new types of jobs and travel opportunities. Things I'd never even thought of. I found myself working with women around 5 years younger than me in an exciting environment but I was constantly on the periphery because I had parental responsibilities. It was such an eye opener to hear how differently these younger women viewed the world.

i think the person who made the video meant she wished she’d identified a career or a passion to pursue outside of motherhood. I don’t actually identify with that aspect, i knew being a mother would be part of my life but I wouldn’t say it was my “biggest dream”. I have a career and a high level of education. I have travelled and had great experiences before being a parent

As I said I have mixed feelings. I adore my DC, they are well loved and looked after but I couldn’t have imagined the overwhelming worry and stress and the effects of sleep deprivation. The youngest DC temperament is such that he spends the vast majority of the time crying or whinging and the constant sound of that ever day over 18months has also taken a toll.

I would do it again, mine are young adults and an absolute joy. I've loved every stage. And there have been challenges to overcome, but mostly it's been great.

My dh says it's his biggest regret. He wishes he'd never had his dd. ( we don't have any together)

In an instant. I genuinely enjoy being a mother. Yes there's sacrifices (alot of then) I miss some of the freedoms of being childless for sure. But i still get those now and again now she's getting older and appreciate them so much more.

It's such a relatively short period of your life that they're full on for, it's a time i'd give up again. In hindsight i'd maybe have had her a little earlier by a year or two. But don't regret anything.

I will caveat this by saying I only have one and DD has generally always been a good sleeper, although has had her moments. So i'm not as sleep deprived and worn out as those with more children.

I didn't have kids; a combination of factors really, but I have to say I don't regret it. I'm 60 this year and have a full, interesting life, DH works away a lot but I have so many interests and enjoy space & solitude that I don't think I'd have coped well with a child. I need time to myself to decompress and that's not compatible with children. I have lots of child free friends & acquaintances so not having children is not something that crops up at all.

Friends that have regrets about children are the ones with a shit DP/DH.
The attitude of the father has changed their whole child-rearing experience for the worse. They might have a more positive attitude to being a parent if the father stepped up more.
Unfortunately these men didn't show their true colours until after the children were born...

(I don't have children - never met the right man - so I know I shouldn't be posting but was perusing the thread & this comment stood out)

Yes! As I get older I realise how important family is.

It's interesting how frequently the worry comes up as a reason not to have them again. I don't identify with that at all as I actually found that my - clinically diagnosed and controlled with medication- anxiety improved significantly after I had my children, but I know that's not typical.

If I'd realised it would mean I wouldn't be able to help other children to the same extent I would have thought long and hard. But ultimately I would give up every other thing to have one more day with my children.

I love my kids more than anything on earth but if I could live a second, parallel life it would be as a single, child free person. The stress and worry with children seems to be constant no matter what their age. New age range, new set of worries. I know a lot of it is because I am a natural worrier but it’s been exhausting at times. And don’t even get me started on relationships.

I have been able to travel and have many hobbies with DC. Lucky, I know. But also I dont believe that every weekend has to be family time. We always took it in turns to pursue hobbies and I am very glad I did that, now I am in empty nest territory
OP, you are in the trenches. It will get better.

I would but I didn’t find it at all easy!

I love having dc now they are young adults, they are such great people and good company, although I do worry about their futures, especially in light of recent events in the USA.

But the world seemed to click and made much more sense to me once I had them.

Also, being expats, the country we are in made more sense once I observed my dc going through the school system and discovering life here through their eyes.

So, so true. Must be a very different ball game when you have a wonderful partner to parent and live your life with.

I wpuld. But then I'll also admit to being an 'accidental' rather than an 'intentional' mother.

I had no romantic, idealised view of motherhood. It was certainly never my dream and I was quite ambivalent about it all until I became pregnant.

I didn't sacrifice myself or my identity after having them. I went to university full time when each of them was of nursery age, I kept up my hobbies, they've both been to see.my bands play over the years and been told no as often as was necessary.

We've done camping at festivals together, they could both use the washing machine by the time they were 6 and I've not changed either of their beds or washed their bedlinen since then. We've spent Saturday mornings and 3 nights a week at gymnastics and dance and ferrying around to competitions and dance shows so my life hasn't been prioritised over theirs. I always recognised that I had a responsibility to them and their development, of course, but we were all prioritised at different times.

It's paid off. One graduated a couple of years ago and earns more than I do 🙄 the other is at university where she is thriving, still competing and will be training to coach too for next year. And the three of us are really close. I've spent most of it as a single parent, which, I think, helped.

It hasn't always been easy and we've never had loads of money, one is ND (but not severely) and the other was premature and diagnosed with some hearing loss at a young age but I'd do it all again with them (only them, mind). It's been a blast ❤️

I absolutely would.

Being a mother was never my dream, just an assumption. I love being a mother.

But. They aren't my only thread. I've never "sacrificed". Money, travel etc ...it's all just been what's it been.

As they get older, I enjoy them more. I always knew I'd love my children, but I was surprised by how much I actually like them. My 16 year old is a blast.

I wouldn't do it again, but only because my kids are grown up now so I'm far too old and knackered. However, I don't regret them at all and I don't think I sacrificed much. It was bloody hard work when they were small and didn't sleep, and every stage has brought it challenges - in fact DC 2 is currently giving me more grey hair because I think he's about to bomb his A level mocks - but they are also fabulous young adult human beings - funny, caring, great company etc and I feel ridiculously proud of them. It doesn't stay quite as gruelling as the early years, and the challenges become more emotional and less physical as they hit the teens, but as they get older you get more of yourself and your own interests back. Obviously I can't assume that they will look after me when I'm old and frail, and I have no right to expect that of them, but I know they love me and are good people, so I feel less scared about growing old in the relative certainty they they will at least come and visit sometimes and bring me joy.

Not everyone is “wired” the same, I honestly don’t have a maternal bone in my body for anything other than a dog, but I recognised this very early on, and was lucky enough to meet a mate not bothered the same, so things dropped into place very well. I had a good career, travelled, holidayed, we did up our big old house, bought a horse, and I actually retired from my career at 45 and did something else that was very different and enjoyable. Life is on hold at the moment as I am sharing full time care for my Mum, but we still get out a lot, enjoy ourselves. And no, I don’t worry about there being no one around to look after me, because it’s not something I would expect a child to have to do. I am getting all my ducks in a row as much as I can, and prefer quality of life to quantity.

If I knew then what I know now......wow! I'd do SO many things differently.

When you know better you do better!

Would I have children ? Thing is, I wouldn't have married my ex husband (in this world where I'm 25 and I know what I know now!) .....so no, I guess not!

I didn't want to have children, but DP persuaded me it would be fun so now we have two. So I didn't go into it expecting it to be the ultimate fulfillment, I did think it'd be hilarious though which it mostly is. I was surprised at how much more interesting the bits I thought would be boring are (e.g. glacially slow baby development). I think my childfree life would also have been good, but I don't fantasise about having it back.

I was one and done had him when i was young i was 16 wouldn't change it for the world.
Hes now moved out and im free.
No regrets.
Im not 40 yet.

Absolutely no regrets. I have regrets about some of the big life decisions like certain houses we moved to, and not investing in a house when I was young free and single, and certain jobs and not being able to afford ski holidays, or even holidays abroad. But no regrets about having DC.

No

Absolutely but I enjoyed my 20's thoroughly and don't feel like I've missed out on anything.

I did think it'd be hilarious though which it mostly is.

I think's thats how I approached it too really. Like an awfully big adventure!