Children- would you do it again?

[AtWitsEnd21]

I was scrolling the other day and came across a viral video of a mother saying her dream was to be a mother but it hasn’t been what she thought it would be and wished she had dreamed bigger. Many of the comments were from mothers saying if they had the choice again, they would remain childless.

Personally, I have mixed feelings. Having children has meant extreme sacrifice- stress, sleep, money, interests, an always clean and tidy house, nights out and away, my appearance has suffered because I’m so sleep deprived I look about 10 years older. I love my children more than anything but it has been so hard.

Just interested in what other people’s feelings are

There was a really lovely thread about teens not so long ago. Turns out lots of mnetters have fab teens and enjoy this phase, it's just not cool to be parading that fact on threads when other parents are struggling.

You can have both.

I'm nc with my surviving parent due to abuse.

I did things differently.

People go NC for all sorts of reasons, not just abuse.

No parent here knows if their beloved child will go NC when older.

Loads of threads where people contemplate going NC for ie, not getting enough childcare, not being given a house deposit or as punishment for a slight.
Feeling they were exploited by their parent posting photos on SM without their consent etc.

Most parents do their best and differently, but whether the child sees it the same way is a waiting game and whether they voice it or not.

Mine are my favourite people.

I’m on the fence. I have 4 who are all amazing in different ways. Current ages are 15,14,10&8. It was obviously really hard when they were young and it’s hard now, mentally more than physically but that doesn’t bother me. Having teens is so much fun! I had them young and don’t feel I missed out, I just did things the other way round, now they are getting older I’m able to do lots more for myself. I travel for work so haven’t missed out on seeing the world. But the main thing is worrying. As a parent you worry so much, they all have different things going on that you need to navigate. And also like others have said this world isn’t the kindest or nicest place to grow up in unfortunately.

nope.

Just to add that I don't understand at all the comments about "why did you have another if you found you didn't like parenthood after the first". It's not as though you can ever go back to being childless, so once you've had one, you might as well have a second or more. Either way, you're committed to parenthood for the rest of your life.

The real problem is the cultural assumption that female = maternal. I remember saying to my mum that I wasn't sure I wanted to have children and she was completely astonished (even though she didn't exactly seem to have enjoyed motherhood herself) and just brushed it aside with an airy, "Oh, you'll change your mind once they come along." So I thought it was normal to be reluctant to have children and then to find that you were wrong and loved it.

There needs to be more honesty about the fact that it's not for everyone, and about the vast spectrum between people who long to be mums and find it deeply personally fulfilling, and people who frankly could take it or leave it. Women are gaslit into thinking that the former is the "normal" position and that they should, and indeed will, transform themselves into that woman once they give birth to their own.

Yoir first point makes no sense, @BarbaricYawp. It’s as if you discovered you’ve ordered a dish you don’t like at a restaurant where you are compelled to finish what you ordered — why would you order a second of that same dish and have to chomp grimly through twice as much, because you ‘might as well’ as you’ve ruined dinner anyway? It’s ridiculous to pretend that having one child is the same as having two or more. Plus unhappy parents are damaging. Limit that damage.

Sorry, I think that's a really poor analogy. You don't "order" a child and then have the option of sending it back or just not finishing it off. Once you've had a child you're a parent. You can't turn the clock back and not be one. Parent of one, parent of two, parent of three - they're all parents. If you wish that actually you had not become a parent, they basically are all the same predicament.

My analogy specified that you were compelled to finish what you’d ordered. My point is — why would you order another helping of something you’d hated first time around, in the full knowledge that you couldn’t send it back and had to finish every bite?

I have one child. I am thereby definitely a parent. My life as a parent, however, is completely different to that of friends with several children. My life is even completely different to that of a friend who, after a long battle with infertility, had twins. I have more emotional, financial and logistical resources to dedicate to him while not short-changing myself and my own social or professional life, or my marriage. In fact I’ve enjoyed and am enjoying being a mother, but it’s ridiculous to think that if I weren’t, having more children I didn’t want and didn’t enjoy, wouldn’t make things far worse, for me and for all the children involved.

Nope. I could never wish mine out of existence, but realistically if I had genuinely known the exhaustion expense and stress I would not have done it.

Well, look, whatever, you're entitled to your opinion, I just don't agree.

When I had my second child, I didn't become doubly dissatisfied with my choice to become a parent, or triply dissatisfied when I had a third. Rather the reverse, in fact, because the eldest transpired to be autistic and was - and still is - exceptionally hard work, whereas the second was very much easier and frankly kept me sane. Plus, these things are not black-and-white, and don't unfold evenly. Early parenthood is tough for everyone, generally speaking, and you tend to make a choice about whether or not to have a second before you've had time to develop much insight into why you're finding it all such hard work ad whether that's normal.

It sounds like you were much cleverer than me and are a vastly superior parent, wife, worker and possessor of "emotional, financial and logistical resources" though, so well done you. I muddled along as best I could, and love my children, but, with hindsight, I know I would have been happier if I had made different choices.

Well considering I brought up my only child as a single mum (divorced) and he had a wonderful childhood and did brilliantly at school etc, but then went on in adulthood to treat me like dirt, I definitely wish I’d never bothered 😢. We’re no longer in contact and I feel I wasted 20 years of my life working hard and doing my very best to give him a good start in life.

I really think there is some nuance missing from the debate around having a second. My firm belief (based on my experience) is that a lot of early experiences of motherhood can depend on things totally outside your control like a child’s temperament and the level of support you have. My first child was a very typical baby and toddler I absolutely loved every second with him and still do. My second was completely different. He had reflux and was extremely high needs (still is some regard). He cried incessantly for almost a year. How could I have possibly predicted that based on my first easy experience. I only said to DH this morning you could easily look after 10 of DC1 but just one of DC2 is enough to push me over the edge. It massively affected my mental health and probably continues to do so. I don’t think I would feel so challenged by motherhood if my second DC had the same or similar temperament to my first.

@AtWitsEnd21 . I agree. I think often people assume two children means double the work or at least more work, whereas actually it's entirely child-dependent. The second child is not a clone of the first one (and neither are any subsequent ones!) , and you can't predict how a sibling group will interact.

I also don't recognise the narrative that having one is always going to be much easier and more enjoyable than one. I don't find that at all, personally. There's obviously a lot of luck in that - I have two that are close in age and get on very well - but it's also just not what I see looking around me. I don't see a clear correlation between how many children someone has and how likely they are to be struggling.

Exactly. I could just never have predicted how hard it was going to be. Don’t get me wrong second DC brings us all a lot of joy. He is extremely bright and curious- a doctor once described him as an intelligent being trapped in the body of a baby. But wowsa he is nothing like first DC. He is routinely bossed around by his younger brother but seems to adore him completely and owing to his gorgeous personality has never once complained

Yes, this is the point I was trying to make - that the life of a parent of one really isn't completely different from the life of a parent of two/three/more. The only thing it's completely different from is the life of someone who isn't a parent at all.

It’s really hard to say in all honesty.

I love my DC so much and really hate the thought of them never existing, and I was desperate to be a mum so I think I’d have felt unfulfilled if we never had them.

But it has been really hard, especially with DS SEN, and not really what we anticipated life would be like. Every single part of every day is a struggle.

on balance, I probably still would.

Our life would have been infinitely easier if we’d stopped at one instead of having 2.

4 year age gap, DS SEN has huge detrimental impact on DD despite our best efforts. they can’t play / interact very well at all. Childcare went from being easy to being a nightmare due to DS needs.

But…. I just love DS so much that I can’t bring myself to wish we hadn’t had him, despite the extreme difficulty.

I like teenagers, my own (all grown up now)and other people's (I was a teacher). Teens get a lousy press because the media focus on the bad ones never on the good ones. I spent my working life surrounded by teens and enjoyed it. My home life was satisfying with my own 3 teens. With all the ups and downs, teens are very worthwhile.

Mine are 10 & 13 and right now I have absolutely no regrets. I can't imagine life without my DSs. In some ways it hasn't turned out as I expected - I didn't expect to end up being a single parent thanks crappy ex DH, but I still wouldn't change anything. Ya, I could have had more holidays and a shinier career, but I wouldn't swop those for two loving interesting funny people and all the new emotions and experiences they've given me.

Every generation has its challenges though. I was born into a low income family in Ireland in 1980 - the Irish economy was totally shot, every second person was immigrating, there was a civil war in the north of the island. Further afield the Cold War was still ongoing & nuclear conflict was still very much not impossible, while the bottom was falling out of many traditional sources of employment across the West. And every generation before that had its own massive issues. I genuinely don't think the future now is any scarier than it ever was I guess.

I need to be your friend @UsernameMcUsername as you speak a lot of sense & I could do with a sensible head reminding me of this!

The very planet beneath every generation's feet has never been in such a perilous state though, with weather catastrophes and utterly diminished habitats and resources. Never have so many people been living on it either.