Children- would you do it again?

[AtWitsEnd21]

I was scrolling the other day and came across a viral video of a mother saying her dream was to be a mother but it hasn’t been what she thought it would be and wished she had dreamed bigger. Many of the comments were from mothers saying if they had the choice again, they would remain childless.

Personally, I have mixed feelings. Having children has meant extreme sacrifice- stress, sleep, money, interests, an always clean and tidy house, nights out and away, my appearance has suffered because I’m so sleep deprived I look about 10 years older. I love my children more than anything but it has been so hard.

Just interested in what other people’s feelings are

I didn't want children either, then I had one, loved it so much, had 2 more and have no regrets whatsoever.
Life has more depth. Yes, the worries and stress can greater but so is the joy and fun.
I didn't sacrifice much either. I married a decent man who was happy to pull his weight and encouraged me to continue a social life and follow goals.

Yes, absolutely.

I had my son at just shy of 35, and probably won't have another. I thoroughly enjoyed my 20s and early 30s, and although I have had a setback in personal ambitions such as publishing my novels, and I never saw myself as especially motherly, I have absolutely thrived as a mum.

I earn a decent wage and have no big career ambitions. I'm happy to save and invest, and enjoy exploring the world with my son as he grows up.

Have I been tired, and has my relationship suffered? Yes, sure. But only in temporary ways.

I love having my boy, and I can't wait to teach him so many things.

It possibly has helped that prior to having my son, I went through a medical crisis, and an acute phase of anxiety/burnout. Any difficulty I've had as a mum could not compare to those in the slightest. I have never been as tired, scared or unwell as I was in those times, so having a baby was a doddle by comparison.

If you didn't have DC you wouldn't be the person you are now with a career/better travelled, you'd be another person (potentially curious about who you'd have been as a parent).
I would have been more selfish and materialistic and accepted my exH narcissistic behaviour.
My DC have needed me to be a better version of myself.

I would still have been a mother but because of CoL I would have probably only had one child. I’m very lucky to have had kids before CoL took off.

Yes i would, she's been the best thing to ever happen to us. Very happy we stuck at 1, she's been an easy kid and at age 8 it just keeps getting easier (for now, who knows what teen years might bring!)

My feelings have changed as mine got older. I loved the gruelling early days and enjoy my 3 kids now but I'd have had them younger and maybe just one?

Feel terrible for even thinking like that!

This nails it perfectly. I worry a lot about how the world will be when they need to make their own way into it. If I could turn back time I probably wouldn't have them just on that basis.

I never have done, neither did I ever have the need.
I get bashed a lot when I say children take everything and give nothing, in one thread I said they ruin lives.
Since my own very strict childhood, where we were supposed to be seen and not heard, where cuddles or hugs were seen as weakness, I quietly observed other women.
The happiest were widows, singletons or child free ones.
The most tired, crying, haggard looking and laughed at (yes, like us kids) were the ones with husbands and small kids.
Most men were really off putting, shouty, nasty, stinky, drunken bastards.

Married, 46, born in a former Communist country.
Life for women was dire and I couldn't wait to escape both "home" and the emotionless robots my "parents" were.
All good. 😊

Yes, but I had one by choice, and at the end of my 30s, so didn’t miss out on fun.

Although I’ve found raising children incredibly tough, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. My husband died young and I don’t think I’d be here today if it wasn’t for my children.

Absolutely I would. I spent my 20s doing things like travelling, living with friends, going out a lot etc. So there weren't any things I felt I was missing out on. Any goals or bucket list items I had left are ones I can do with my son. I don't feel I'm missing out on anything.

The day to day life with a young child is obviously tough a lot of the time, but never so tough that I regret doing it. The good bits more than make up for it. And the "tough" bits aren't that tough really, I'm very lucky in that regard.

I do think if we'd had a second child, I'd have massively regretted it. So I'm glad we're stopping at one.

I'd do it sooner so I could have had more than one.

Raising a disabled daughter hasn't been easy, but it is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I'm a better person for having done it.

But you’re letting your own childhood skew your thinking. /By all means don’t have a child, but your experience of patent hood certainly isn’t mind. My own childhood was poor and unhappy, and my parents weren’t good parents, though they did their best, but it’s perfectly possible to do things differently, and I have. Having a child for me was a deliberate choice, when I was financially and professionally secure, and was happy to take some time out. DS has been a lovely addition to my life, not a source of drudgery and sacrifice.

I never wanted children but had one in my late 30s because of FOMO.

It was the right decision for me and I don't regret it, but the toll it took on my relationship was nothing I could have imagined. If I'd have known truly what the emotional burden of parenting was like, I doubt that I would have done it.

I don't really think you are in a position to make the blanket claim that children ruin lives. They certainly may ruin SOME people's lives- may have ruined yours perhaps- and nobody should feel compelled to have them. But they are not pointless wastes of space for everyone.

My parents were immigrants and didnt have much when they first came here, but I always felt loved and cherished. I am very close to my mum.

My experience of parenthood is not unrelenting drudgery for no reward. My children give back almost daily. Just been discussing a professional achievement with DD who is really proud of me in a way that no friend would be.
.

Okay - thanks for not bashing.
I don't make a blanket statement, definitely referred to my own feelings.
As I said, all good.
Next step is, hopefully, solitude by choice and no financial worries.
👍

I wasn’t able to have children,but if I had my life again I’d be childfree by choice. I regret wasting so much time and money on IVF which was never likely to work. I’m 63 now, I was able to retire at 58 and I’m enjoying my freedom so much. No regrets about not being a mother at all. Life has never been better.

I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Having children was never really on my to do list, I never felt that maternal, but I fell pregnant unexpectedly with our first in my 20's and it felt like it was meant to be. I've just had our 6th baby at 42, and I can't imagine having done it any other way now.

Yes definitely.
I had my 2 at 39 and 42 and they're now 7 and 4. They're the most amazing, best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm glad I was older as I got to do everything I wanted to do with my life while I was younger and free. I have 2 degrees, a career, travelled the world and now have the confidence to show my children the world. We make the most of all our free time.

I adore my son, but him being slightly on the spectrum and the absolute shitshow we had when he first started school, I could never do that again.
Postnatal depression too was absolutely awful and I could easily have lost my marriage if I hadn't gotten help, pnd is why I've stopped at the one child!

I miss spending evenings cuddled up just me and my husband as now there's always someone else there sitting between us on the sofa.
I miss holding hands with him when we went out and not having to always hold hands with a child instead.
I miss when they were younger and I'd put them to bed at 7pm and our evening was just us, now the older one goes to bed when we do.
I miss being spontaneous and having energy for each other.
I miss being able to have a conversation without someone else listening/chipping in.
I miss being able to watch a film that isn't age appropriate and doesn't have to interest them.
I miss time alone with my thoughts.
I miss being able to go for long country walks without someone complaining their legs are aching.
I miss being able to lay in bed on a Sunday morning until I felt like getting up.
I miss being able to grab and eat something from the fridge and not bother to cook a meal.
I miss being able to pop out together in the evening without any planning.
I miss having the money to buy nice clothes for myself.
I miss when we were each other's priority and nobody else mattered more.
I miss my pre-pregnancy body. (Looking at you pelvic floor)

Would I do it again? Yes in a heartbeat.

I wouldn’t be without my dd. She enhances and improves my life immeasurably. I also have lots of fun without her too

In a heartbeat.

I am the stage where I do all these things and do you know what, I sometimes miss the days when they were glued to me!
It would be so ideal if one could have a week of little kids and then a week of young adults. The two are so apart.

I know plenty of mothers who have had kids to try and "fix" their childhood and create the family they wish they had.

They are miserable and so are their kids. They went into it for entirely the wrong reason, and found out too late that their kids will wish they parented differently in the same way they felt about their own parents (the kids can't express it now through anything other than frustrations and meltdowns but will be able to articulate it when they're older).